Father Jack quotes from Father Ted

Me please, Mrs Doyle!

Father Jack

Tea?! Feck!

S1 Good Luck, Father Ted

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(Bishop Brennan has arrived to give the priests an important task)

Well, I hope you're not doing too much damage here, huh? Jack, are you behaving yourself?

Father Jack

Feck off.

What did you say?! [stands up]

Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?

Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]

Yes, but surely I'm alright.

No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.

I didn't know what happened to that money-!

Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...

Yes, that was unfortunate!

The amount of peoples' lives irreparably damaged!

They were only nuns.

Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!

Film? What film?

This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing is showing on this godforsaken dump!

Oh yes, that's right. Eh, is it any good, do you know?

I don't care if it's any good or not; all I know is that we have to be seen to be making a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.

What do you mean?

Well, I know that normally you wouldn't be able to organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!

Oh, thanks very much.

Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.

Your Grace, this isn't really my area.

Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some kind of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!? [storms out]