Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?
Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]
Yes, but surely I'm alright.
No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.
I don't know what happened to that money-!
Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...
Yes, that was unfortunate!
The amount of peoples' lives irreperably damaged!
Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!
This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing's being shown on this godforsaken dump!
Oh yes, that's right. Is it any good, do you know?
I don't care if it's any good; all I know is we have to be seen to be taking a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.
Well, I know that normally you couldn't organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!
Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.
Bishop, this isn't really my area.
Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some sort of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!?
Right, now I think it would be best for ye three to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters outside my jurisdiction! Now Ted, I thought you might like to go to America. What part, do you reckon?
Oh, I'm sorry Ted, I meant South America. Ah, there's a lovely little island, off the coast of Surinam and, [starts laughing hysterically] they have a couple of tribes there- you're going to love this!- and they have been knocking the shit out of each other since 1907! And we have never found the right man to bring them to gether in the spirit of Christian harmony, but I think that you, Ted, are the man!
[discomforted] Well, thanks very much-!
No need to thank me- by the way, do you know how to make arrows?
(Ted, Dougal, and the visiting Father Jose Fernandez are playing Cluedo)
FFFather Fernandez
[translated in voiceover] I think it was... the Reverend Green, with the knife, in the drawing room.
Ha, those Protestants. Up to no good as usual.
(Bishop Brennan has arrived to give the priests an important task)
Well, I hope you're not doing too much damage here, huh? Jack, are you behaving yourself?
What did you say?! [stands up]
Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?
Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]
Yes, but surely I'm alright.
No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.
I didn't know what happened to that money-!
Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...
Yes, that was unfortunate!
The amount of peoples' lives irreparably damaged!
Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!
This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing is showing on this godforsaken dump!
Oh yes, that's right. Eh, is it any good, do you know?
I don't care if it's any good or not; all I know is that we have to be seen to be making a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.
Well, I know that normally you wouldn't be able to organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!
Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.
Your Grace, this isn't really my area.
Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some kind of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!? [storms out]
(Hardly anyone has turned up to watch the film. Michael, the cinema owner, is giving an introduction)
MMichael
Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to say how we have a real treat in store for all ye fans of French cinema.
OWOld Woman
Is it subtitled?
OWOld Woman
Is it subtitled or is it dubbed?
OWOld Woman
Ah Jaysus! (leaves)
(Bishop Brennan decides he must punish them)
Right, now I think it would be best thing would be for ye three to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters outside of my jurisdiction! Huh?! Now Ted, I thought that you might like to go to America, hm? What part, do you think?
Oh, I'm sorry I’m sorry, did I meant South America. Oh look, see, there's a lovely little island, off the coast of Surinam and, [starts laughing hysterically] they have a couple of tribes there- you're going to love this!- and they have been knocking the shit out of each other since 1907! And we have never been able to find the right man to bring them together in the spirit of Christian harmony, but I think that you, are the man!
[discomforted] Well, thanks very much-!
No need to thank me- by the way, do you know how to make arrows?
Well not to worry, not to worry. It'll come to you. (laughs softly before facing Dougal) Now, Dougal, over to you. Isn’t it funny, how, some of these places in the Philippines can keep on going without a proper sewerage system, hm?
I’m right there, your Honour.
Now, Jack, where are we gonna send you, huh? Jack, wake up!
Bishop, I wouldn't do that!
You shut up. Jack! Wake up!
[Suddenly, Jack opened his right eye, revealing his cataracted eye before violently punches Bishop Brennan in the face] FECK OFF!
(Now shocked and angry, along with a severe nosebleed in his nostrils) I got you all, Jack! I got you! Oh, my God! If you think this place is bad, wait ‘til you see your new parish! JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE!!! (He storms off)
