Father Jack quotes from Father Ted

Father Ted

I suppose, I made your vow for you. But I know that deep down inside you'd like to make a little sacrifice.

Father Jack

Sacrifice?! Arse!!

Father Jack

(having sobered up) Where are the other two?

Father Ted

"Other two?" Oh, the old vision's back to normal. No, it's just us Father.

Father Jack

And what do you two do?

Father Ted

Well, we're priests.

Father Jack

What? Priests? Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!

Father Ted

How are you feeling, Father? It must be great to be sober every once in a while. Or... every twelve years.

Father Ted

Father Cave, do you want to go first?

I haven't written this down, because this comes from the heart. Father Gallagher, I've known you and been your friend for many years. And I think it's important to say, I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever loved! I don't want the parachute, give it to him! [sits down and bursts into tears, while the other priests look taken aback]

Father Ted

R-right, well done, Father Cave. Father Fay?

Father Ted

Well, beat that! Joe?

I think I should get the parachute because I'm great. In fact, I think I should get both the parachutes, in case one of them doesn't work! [disapproving grumbles from the other priests]

Father Ted

Not a popular one, Joe. Father Flynn, what did you write?

I haven't written anything, because I'm not really good at that type of thing. But I did a drawing.

Father Ted

Right, well, can we have a look?

What do you think?

Father Ted

Well, er...

It's me, in the nip, with a dog!

Father Ted

[bewildered] What... how... how does that help you win a parachute?

What do you mean, parachute? I wasn't listening at the start, there. Why would I want a parachute?

Father Ted

The plane's in trouble, and there's a competition to see who gets a parachute.

Ohh... [sits down, looking shellshocked]

Father Ted

Okay, er, Father Jack, you next. [there is no response. The priests look around, but Jack is nowhere in sight] Father Jack? Where's Father Jack?

The parachutes! The parachutes have gone!

Father Jack

[echoing] DRIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!

Dougal

God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something.

Father Ted'

Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?

Father Jack

A pair of feckin' women's knickers!

Father Ted

Who knows...

Father Jack

Knickers!

Father Ted

Yes, Father.

Father Jack

Women's knickers!

Father Ted

Yes, Father, Yes! Message understood.

Father Ted

"If there's one place he can be absolutely assured of peace and quiet..."

Father Jack

AH, FECK! [Father Jack falls down the stairs shouting] Feck, feck, feck, feck, feck!

Father Ted

"I think it would be an insult to you if I were to finish that sentence."

Father Ted

[trips over a brick Jack is dragging round on a piece of string] Wha... what's going on!?

Mrs Doyle

Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him! He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground!

Father Jack

I love my brick!

Father Ted

Ah, that's nice. Maybe we're seeing a new side to Father Jack? A more caring, considera--

Father Jack

Ah, feck it! Fed up with "briiiiiick"!

At that stage, I was drinking over a pint of vodka a day.

Father Jack

YES!

Yes. At that point, all I could think about was where the next drink was coming from.

Father Jack

DRINK!

I didn't give a damn about my wife or kids.

Father Jack

Blehhhhh!

Father Jack

Pub! DRINK! [goes inside the pub and starts pounding on the bar] DRINK, DRINK, DRINK! DRINK!

Don't do it, Father! I won't let you do it! I know it hurts, but believe me, you're going to thank me for--

Bishop Brennan

Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?

Father Jack

Arse biscuits!

What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately!

Father Jack

[in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.

Father Ted

[addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.

Father Jack

They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting. Interminably waiting. And then...

Father Dougal

He's right, Ted.

Dougal

(genuinely excited) You know Ted, all my life I've dreamed about something really special happening to me, and now it is! I think this is the greatest moment of my life!

Mrs Doyle

(her head popping up behind Dougal) Me too!

Father Jack

BIG BRAS!