Mrs Doyle quotes from Father Ted

Mrs Doyle

[quoting Polly Clark's books] "Eff you! Eff your effing wife! I'll stick this effing pitchforkup your hole", oh that was another one, oh yes![...] "Bastard this" and "Bastard that", you can't move for the bastards in her novels; it's wall-to-wall bastards![...] You bastard, you fecker, you bollocks! Get your bollocks out of my face! [...] "Ride me sideways" was another one!

Mrs Doyle

It doesn't matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn't our Lord himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world?

Mrs Doyle

(While Ted is trying to eat a sausage) They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?

Mrs Doyle

(hesitantly, while watching football and reading from the book "Understnding football for women") Go on... my son.

Mrs Doyle

I got someone to come around and take away all the furniture and burn it in a big fire!

Mrs Doyle

Go on, go on, go on, go on...

Mrs Doyle

Maybe I like the misery!

Mrs Doyle

Tea-rific!

Mrs Doyle

Who's for tea?

Father Jack

Tea?! Feck!

Mrs Doyle

Now... (pouring Jack a cup of tea) ... and what do you say to a cup?

Father Jack

Feck off, cup!

Mrs Doyle

Who's for tea?

Father Dougal

Me please, Mrs Doyle!

Father Jack

Tea?! Feck!

Mrs Doyle

Here you are, Father. It's a beautiful day out.

Father Jack

Me arse!

Father Ted

Mrs Doyle, have you got your contacts in?

Mrs Doyle

No, a dog ran off with them.

Mrs Doyle

Do you think our new guest would like a cup of tea Father? The little sheep fellow. (laughs simperingly)

Father Ted

I don't think they drink tea Mrs Doyle. Not unless you have some sheep tea (laughs)

Mrs Doyle

Yes, we do have some sheep tea.

Father Ted

Oh. Well... you'd better... give him some of that, then.

Father Ted

[trips over a brick Jack is dragging round on a piece of string] Wha... what's going on!?

Mrs Doyle

Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him! He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground!

Father Jack

I love my brick!

Father Ted

Ah, that's nice. Maybe we're seeing a new side to Father Jack? A more caring, considera--

Father Jack

Ah, feck it! Fed up with "briiiiiick"!