Scenes with Glenn Quagmire 58
[deleted scene on DVD; Chris marches up to Quagmire, who is watering the lawn]
QuagmireHey, Chris, what's going on?
Quagmire
Huh? What for?
[furiously] I said GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS!! [starts yelling while beating Quagmire up with headbutting, kicking and punching, then knocks him to the ground and pounds him] It didn't have to be this way, Glenn! [takes Quagmire's car keys] You should've given me your keys. [gets in Quagmire's car and drives off]
[enters the scene] Quagmire, what the hell happened to you?
Quagmire
Your damn kid just totally kicked my ass!
Quagmire
No, you dummy, Chris! He came over here, beat the crap out of me and took my car!
Well, Chris is gonna get it, as soon as I get my hands on him.
[Lois is sitting on the couch reading a book when Peter calls her from outside]
Lois, can you come out here for a second?
[Lois opens the door and sees Peter sitting on top of a giraffe]
Hey, Lois can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat?
Uh, this would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. With Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want.
Peter I don't care what Mayor West has done, you can't just break the law.
Sure I can, I've been doing it all week.
Peter you take that thing back where it belongs immediately!
Alright, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Alison Janney. Alison Janney?
[the giraffe's head is seen peeking into Quagmire's house]
Quagmire
[from inside the house] Good morning, honey. Oh, yeah, that feels so good. Wait, HEY, HEY, HEY! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get outta here!
[the giraffe runs backward, kicking its hind feet into Cleveland's house. Cleveland is, once again, taking a bath]
What the hell?! No, no, no, no, no, NO! [Cleveland and his bathtub fall to the ground] I gotta stop takin' my baths durin' Peter's shenanigans...
Oh my God, that was so much fun!
You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot!
[Peter grabs Joe's gun, cocks it, then shoots himself in the mouth. The scene cuts to a close-up of Peter's face]
Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.
Quagmire
It's the best show you're not watching!
I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.
[cutaway to Hitler juggling on a unicycle]
[Peter comes into the bar with the parrot on his shoulder]
Hey, guys, what's going on?
Quagmire
Cool!
That thing don't bite, do it?
Guys, say hello to Adrian Beakey.
PParrot
Pick a lane, bitch!
Hey, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.
PParrot
I gotta pee! Where's that Snapple bottle?
[Peter laughs]
PParrot
I had a gay experience at camp!
[uncomfortable] Uh, yeah, I had the radio on in the car and they were talking about some crazy stuff... So what are you-what are you guys drinkin'?
Peter trying to get out of class, sees Quagmire through the door window, and smiles
Quagmire
Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son.
TTeacher
Really, because you like you belong to that boy over there.
Quagmire is shocked and horrified at seeing how many impregnated women carried his babies
Quagmire darts out of the room, down the hall, and accidently runs into another classroom
An average kid, that's just like him, thinks and asks if he's his papa
Quagmire shocked and horrified, "Oh, GOD!"
He accidently runs into another room, and sees a mixed Mexican child that looks just like him, and he shouts, "Oh, GOD!, again
He makes another way into to another classroom, and finds an appearently Downs' Syndrome child asking if he's his daddy, and Quagmire shouts, again, "Oh, GOD!"
Quagmire then runs into a hot chick, who he asks, "You don't have any kids, do you", she shakes her head, and he says, "Good... Hey, you wanna do it right here by the trash can?", and she gives the 'IDK', bashfully, and he smiles, with both of his thumbs up.
That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spin-off.
[cut to Quagmire walking down Spooner Street]
Quagmire
See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?
Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby.
Quagmire
Oooh, I say that...
I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?
Quagmire
Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. [sighs] Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak.
Quagmire
Dad... Are you gay?
Quagmire
Are you gay, Dad?!
No, Glenn. Of course not.
Quagmire
Just tell me the truth!
I am telling you the truth. Now, calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls.
Quagmire
Oh, come on. That's not helping.
Glenn, you have my word. I'm not gay.
Quagmire
You promise?
Quagmire
All right. I believe you.
But I am a woman trapped in a man's body, and, while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation.
Quagmire
[stunned] Oh, come on. Just be gay.
[two men in a car shoot Peter's back window]
Quagmire
What the hell was that about, who were those guys!?
I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend.
You think they were following us?
Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield.
Quagmire
Aw, Joe, that's so dumb.
If you will all please follow me to third floor, I show you to your rooms. You are all expected for dinner at 8 o'clock.
SStephanie
Oh, good! I'm starved!
Quagmire
Settle down, will you?
[Peter, Joe and Quagmire are all in a Japanese Zero with Quagmire flying it. Joe and Peter admire the view from above]
Whoa! Quahog looks beautiful from up here!
Quagmire
Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. [loses his smile] Feels like... something I was kinda meant to fly, y'know?
Hey, there's Quahog Harbor!
[Some naval vessels are shown]
Look at all those old naval vessels!
Quagmire
Yeah... look at them all... [suddenly, he starts taking the plane to fly downward]
Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doin'?
Quagmire
I dunno, Peter. It feels like... something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins... [lowers the lever to take the plane down faster, scaring the crap out of Joe and Peter]
[scared] QUAGMIRE, WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!?
[also scared] WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS!?
Quagmire
Shut up, round eye! [makes the plane do barrel rolls]
OH MY GOD, STOP, QUAGMIRE, I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!
Quagmire
帝国空軍の誇りと名誉、俺の先祖のために俺は逝くぞ！万歳！！！ (I DO THIS FOR THE HONOR OF THE IMPERIAL AIR FORCE AND FOR MY HONORABLE ANCESTORS; BANZAI!)
[The Japanese Zero is near a naval vessel's plane landing pad, getting ready to crash it. Peter and Joe scream in horror.]
Quagmire
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THIS IN MY COUNTRY!?
Quagmire
PAYBACK!
[Quagmire lifts the lever up and avoids hitting the ship. The trio continue their ride as they ride across the ocean. Peter and Joe are completely scared crapless out of what happened. They take deep breaths.]
Quagmire
PRANK'S ON YOU, (censored)! I'm not Japanese!
Quagmire
No! THAT WAS FOR MAKING ME HAVE SEX WITH JOE, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!
[turns to Joe, surprised] You guys actually had sex?
Yeah, I kinda went rouge with that one.
[Stewie and Brian run into Quagmire and his niece Abby in line to see the mall's Santa]
Glenn? Glenn Quagmire? Wow! What are you doin' here?
Quagmire
[not surprised] Oh, hi, Brian. Just waitin' for Santa, like everyone else.
Cool, cool. We'll just hang with you guys. [approaches Quagmire's niece] Hey, who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy! Are you excited to see Santa? Hope you've been a good boy this year.
[her eyes fill with tears]
Quagmire
That "little guy" is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy.
Quagmire
Do you know how much talking it took to get her outta the house because of her no-hair?
Gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.
Quagmire
Oh, you're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient?
Aw, c'mon. I didn't know she was dying.
Quagmire
Who said anything about dying?
AAbby
Uncle Glenn, am I dying?
Quagmire
[holds her close] No, sweetheart, you're not dying, 'cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna give you a new brain. [turns to Brian, angrily grinding his teeth] Get outta here, Brian. Just get out of here.
[Brian and Stewie do so]
Should've gone into politics, Bri.
[after the fight and breakup]
Quagmire
Yup. Just waiting for my car.
[Brian climbs up onto the bench next to him and stares out a few moments before speaking]
Look, I'm sorry I did what I did. Cheryl's great and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her.
Quagmire
No. I'm never gonna get that chance again. I blew it for good, Brian, and you know what? I deserve to be lonely. I'm no saint, I dated Jillian just to hurt you.
It's okay. It probably wouldn't have worked out like everything else. Hey, you know, maybe it took us stealing each other's girls to finally become friends.
Quagmire
[admittedly] Yeah, maybe.
Quagmire
Guys, what the hell am I gonna do? She can't marry that bastard. He's just gonna keep beating her and he's gonna beat the kid too. God, I wish she'd never met Jeffery Fecalman.
You know, I was thinking... Wait, what?
Quagmire
What?
Quagmire
Yeah.
Huh-larious. But you know what, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days where a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?
Boy, that'd be satisfying.
Quagmire
Well, why not?
Quagmire
The three of us, we go over there and we do what's right. We kill the bastard.
Woah, woah, Quagmire. You know, I could arrest you just for saying that.
You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster.
[cutaway to a man and a rooster near a farm]
MMan
I don't know what this "cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and scatological. [pulls out dollar] I'm in.
RRooster
You're about to have a neat day.
[back to the scene]
Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder.
Quagmire
No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change! Y-You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways and clean up their act? NO! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without them!
It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. [hears Brenda screaming in fear, the three look out the window].
WHAT THE HELL?! DID YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHILE I WAS GOING TO GET A BEER?!
BBrenda
Oh yeah, I'm sorry honey. I just wanted to see who was on Letterman.
WE'RE WATCHING LENO, YOU BITCH!
HIS SOFT GENTLE HUMOR CONNECTS EFFORTLESSLY WITH MY MAINSTREAM CAPABILITIES! [Brenda screams as Jeff hits her].
Family Guy · 775 quotes
