Glenn Quagmire quotes from Family Guy

Jeff

[Last Words] What the hell?! I killed you!

Quagmire

I choke myself everyday you bastard!

Quagmire

So, where is the birthday girl?

Meg

Oh. Hi, Mr. Quagmire.

Quagmire

Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg. That's a very important milestone in a young girl's - I mean, a young woman's life. Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? And you know what? You got another member right next door if you ever wanna talk and stuff. Happy birthday. [pats Meg's left leg. His little finger wiggles] Hey...hey, where's that pinkie goin', huh? Where's he goin'? What-what's he doin'? Get back here! There you go. [Meg smiles then looks at Quagmire]

Peter

Heh-heh! Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal.

Peter, that skank is your daughter.

Peter

Oh my God, You're right!

Quagmire

Y'know, Meg. I'd love to see you without your hat on. [lifts pink beanie. A green hand emerges from her scalp, pulls beanie down] Okay.

Stewie

Don't worry, Dad. I'll take care of him! [punches Quagmire's legs] Stay away from my sis!

Peter

Meg, get in the car! We're going home!

Meg

I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore!

Peter

Meg, I'm only gonna say this once! You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners! So I don't care how old you are, you're gonna do what I say and GET IN THE DAMN CAR!

Meg

Yes, Daddy. [walks away sadly with Peter following behind her, Lois walks up to Quagmire]

Lois

If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian!

Quagmire

Okay.

Lois

And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month! Do you understand me?

Quagmire

Yes, ma'am.

Lois

Peter, I got us the cabin!

Peter

Yay!

Lois

[Back to Quagmire] I don't ever want to see you on our doorstep for at least a month!

Quagmire

Would you sign the guestbook on your way out?

Lois

[sighs angrily and writes] Lois Griffin. Peter Griffin. We heard a loon.

Quagmire

I don't like this, you guys – uh, this is bad... Joe's gonna find out, I just know it!

Peter

Geez, Quagmire. You need to relax – and I know how to help. Calgon, take him away.

Quagmire

THIS IS WORSE, PETER!

Peter

Relax! This is supposed to be your time! This is the right way to deal with your problems.

Lois

Peter, what's going on?

Peter

Quagmire's havin' a sleepover with me.

Lois

[giggly] You can't be serious.

Peter

[deeply concerned] Look, Lois, I told ya that I need to have somebody sleepin' next to me. Alright now, if that's not gonna be you–

Lois

Fine, do what you want, I don't care, but I think it's very strange.

Peter

Okay, that's the one thing that's not.

Quagmire

Yeah, it's not strange.

Lois

I already told you, I don't care. [switches lamp off and lies down]

Quagmire

[to Peter] It's not strange.

Peter

I know.

Quagmire

Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom?

Peter

Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down!

Quagmire

I need you to have sex with me while she watches.

Peter

I have some demands.

Joe

Hey, Quagmire, do yourself a favor: don't get married.

Quagmire

I wasn't gonna.

Joe

Good. Don't.

Quagmire

[Impatiently] I said I wasn't!

Joe

Good. Don't.

Quagmire

Joe, you telling me not to does not affect me whatsoever. I will not get married.

Joe

[Defiantly] Perfect. ...don't.

Joe

Quagmire, you should never meet one of those sex operators.

Quagmire

[Impatiently] Yeah that's what I said... I wouldn't do it!

Joe

Good. Don't.

Quagmire

[Angrily] J-Joe, you realize what you're telling me not to do, I already am not doing! I know I should never meet one of those sex operators ever!

Joe

Good. Don't.

Quagmire

Whoa, is that Harrison Ford?

Peter

Yeah, it said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps.

[while throwing the passengers off the plane] Get off my plane! Get off my plane! Get off my plane!

Peter

Oh look, he even brought Calista Flockhart with him.

Joe

Uh, Peter, I think that's just a piece of paper.

Peter

Good, cuz she looks fat.

[throws Peter out the plane] Get off my plane! [throws Quagmire out the plane] Get off my plane! [throws Joe off his wheelchair and out the plane] Get off my plane!

Peter

There's only one drinking spot for us and it's the Clam.

Quagmire

But Peter, it's closed. We can't go in there.

Peter

Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't want to have sex with you, do you take that as an answer?

Quagmire

My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question.

Stewie

Oh, yeah.

Peter

Quagmire? I thought you were still out on the road!

Quagmire

I was, but what was Simon without Garfunkel?

Peter

Wildly successful?

Peter

Now this is a gun without safety. [shoots Quagmire, who screams in pain] Quite the difference, huh?

Quagmire

[angrily] DAMN IT, PETER, YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU SHOT ME!

Joe

Oh, my God! Peter, that must be the dumbest thing you've ever done!

Peter

No. The dumbest I ever did was open that can of whup-ass.

Peter

Lois, why did you buy this?!

Lois

It was on sale.

Peter

All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought. I need you to shoot me in the arm and we can be friends again.

Quagmire

Okay.

Peter

[after realizing what he just told Quagmire] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, I was supposed to offer, and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter, I'm not gonna shoot you, although I do appreciate the gesture."

Quagmire

You better hand me the gun, Peter.

Peter

I passed the test?

Quagmire

[sternly] No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal.

Peter

But just the fact that I would make the offer is so meaningful to you...

Quagmire

Your offer means nothing, Peter. The only thing that means anything to me is a bullet in your arm. Now give me that!

Peter

Stop! Stop! Quagmire, let go!

Quagmire

Come on! You're not leaving here without being shot!

Peter

Look, I was trying to do the decent thing, like you'd see in a movie!

Quagmire

I'm putting that bullet in your arm, Peter!

Peter

[gets shot in the arm] Ah! Son of a bitch!

Joe

It's over. We're all friends again.

Peter

What the hell, Joe?!

Joe

I'm just trying to settle this nonsense.

Quagmire

Nothing got settled! You shot him! I'm the one who has to shoot him!

Peter

Wait a second, then I get to shoot Joe! Alright, he shot me! If we're doing things fair here, then- [gets shot in the head and falls]

Quagmire

Alright, we're good.

Quagmire

C'mon, guys! It's game time!

Peter

Alright! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever...except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week. [cutaway to Peter in the Griffins' living room with various other characters for potential upcoming cutaway gags] Okay, my Great-Uncle Wears-A-Ski-Hat-All-The-Time Griffin will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey, where's the Monkey Rabbi? [the Monkey Rabbi walks into the room] Here's your Torah, you'll be here on Tuesday at 9:00. Check in with Shirley.

You gonna need me this week?

Peter

Uh, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the gays?

Over here.

Peter

No, no, no. The cartoony gay guys.

Yoooo-hoooooo!!!

Peter

There you are, we're gonna need you guys all week.