I can't believe you had a nuclear briefcase the whole time I've known you.
If what you said is true, this thing'll vaporize everything within a quarter mile. So we should probably set the timer for 30 seconds just to be safe.
[reading the sign] Oh, they're hiring.
Well, I do need a new job. I heard this place has great benefits.
What about the cookies? [angrily grabs Wally by the suit] Think of the cookies man!
I need to cut down on sugar anyway.
Fine! Run away! You are a disgrace to arms dealers everywhere! [sees Elise walking by] Elise, what are you doing here?
EliseTaking this place down. I hate what Gigundo-Mart's done to my husband.
Pssh! What can you do that I can't? [Elise shrinks a car] Awesome! Gimme, gimme!
Elise
Mitts off, little man.
Gimme! [they engage in SR51 tug-of-war, Elise's phone rings]
Elise
Hello? Chris, calm down. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Can you do that?
[using his foot as a hand on his phone to talk to Elise, he is having withdrawal symptoms] NO! Must...go...shop... So cold...
Elise
Chris, these are withdrawal pains from going cold turkey.
Oh, they have such great deals on cold turkey. Pickle relish by the drum... Six pack of lawn mowers... Psychiatric help five cents, the doctor's in.
Let me talk to him. Maybe I can help. [Elise hands Dan her phone to talk to Chris] Hey, Chris, buddy, havin' a hard time?
Good! That's what you get for letting me down!
Elise
Dan! [Dan gives Elise her phone back, gives the SR51 to Dan] Chris, hand in there and- [Dan runs off] Hey!
[Dan hijacks the shopping cart, Elise chases him, the kid laughs, they enter inside Gigundo-Mart, the greeter looks at Dan while Wally is showing his membership card]
[as he starts shrinking items] B-bye, bulk bargains.
Elise
Dan!
[gets scared and shrinks Elise] Wow.
Elise
Dan, you have dug your own grave.
Aawww, look at the itty-bitty Elise. Whose got the teeny tiny angry face? You do. Yes, youuuu. [Elise twists him and he traps her in a jar]
Elise
Dan! Turn me back right now!
I can't hear you! [puts the jar on the shelf] Stay there and be small and insignificant till I get back. [while the Gigundo-Mart Greeter seek revenge, Dan looks himself at the TVs] Huh, Chris is right, I do need a moisturizer. [he shrinks one TV and finds more to shrink but the Gigundo-Mart Greeter hits him by the flat stretcher leaving him wet] Hey! Whoaaaah!
You've breached our perimeter for the last time, sonny!
Back away, old man! And nobody gets shrunk!
I'll never abandon my post. I'll defend Gigundo-Mart until the day I die. Or 'til my shift ends. [he throws an heavy object to Dan as Dan shrinks it, hitting Dan in the head]
Don't say I didn't warn you.
[as Dan continues to shrink many items to defeat the Gigundo-Mart Greeter, Elise breaks the jar and frees herself out landing on Dan's head causing Dan to be knocked out, she looks at one of the mirrors and tries turns herself back to large]
Elise
Note to self: make the SR51 lighter. [the Gigundo-Mart Greeter finds her] Uh-oh. [turns herself back to large] Ugh. That's better. [she shrinks the cheese spray large as it lands on the Gigundo-Mart Greeter]
Ugh. Okay, Guess I'll take my break now.
Elise
Dan!
Now, Elise. Aren't you always saying that revenge is a small minded solution? Or something stupid?
Elise
Get out of my way! [Dan leaves as she shrinks the nuts jar]
CCustomer
Hey! That's not a good price for such a tiny amount of food. This place is lousy.
[Elise shrinks various items around the store which makes customers leave and complain]
[satisfied] Well, my work here is done.
Elise
Mine isn't. [she shrinks the Gigundo-Mart store]
[Chris and Elise arrive in their room as they see Dan sawing through the wall as he tries to get Chris' death ray out of the wall]
Hey folks! Almost done here, I'll be our of your hair in no time.
Elise
What are you doing?!
Reclaiming what is rightfully mine.
[angrily] What is wrong with you?! First you stink up my house, and now you cut it in half?
Elise
All because you're too selfish to let your best friend keep the measly little toy he won?
I'll have you know that measly little toy saved the entire human race from being enslaved by SPACE YETIS!
Technically, it was the monkeys that were first enslaved.
Elise
I know, Chris. You explained it to me on our wedding night.
As much as I'm enjoying this chit-chat, I do have work to do. [as he continues sawing through the wall to get the death ray out, Elise angrily kicks him out of their house] This isn't over! [Elise also throws a skunk at him too]
[Dan dresses up as a burglar at Chris and Elise's garage with a grenade]
Come on, lucky hand grenade. Don't fail me now. Whup! [he drops the grenade to the floor]
[comes in to the garage] Hello? Is someone in here? [the lights turn on as he stand on the letter X] Huh. Was this X always that big? Where did all this stuff come from? [he turns the light on and off, as the grenade gets stuck in the machine causing a disaster] Uh Elise? [runs off]
What I wouldn't give for 6 gallons of hummus right now.
[comes in his and Elise's room] Uh, honey? I don't want to alarm you, but where do we keep the fire extinguisher?
EElise
It's under the--wait, why!?
[Chris and Elise head down to the garage with the fire extinguisher to spray the fire as Dan gets the grenade out of the machine]
Come on, you stupid- [takes the grenade out] Finally! [he leaves but is stopped by Elise and Chris]
[the fire truck sirens as the fire fighters are spraying down the garage while Elise's parents stop by to Chris and Elise's house]
EElise
Dan happened. He was setting some kind of trap and burned our garage down.
And Chris, you didn't get shipped anywh-uh. Are you okay?
EElise
I'm not fine, Chris. I don't care if you have to cut the ray gun in half, you need to settle this now!
You're right, Elise. The answer's been staring me in the face all along. You won't have to worry about this anymore.
Dan's house. To end this. [he angrily leaves as Elise's parents are shocked]
After all I've done for you! [whacks Dan in the face] You burn my house? [whacks Dan] For the last time, you can’t have my toy! [whacks Dan in the face 3 times]
[angrily] IT'S! [grabs his weapon] MY! TOY!!! [throws Chris, Dan presses the shock button, electric plug pops up, he hits the ground and shocks Chris and punches him off the cliff]
Wake up! It's getting good.
[Dan goes to Chris who is holding on the ledge as Elise runs up, Dan tries to finish him off, sees flashbacks from "Barber", "Magician", and "Wolf-Man", flashback ends]
Last I checked, you were about to send me plummeting to my death.
[drops the weapon off the cliff] You don't get off that easy. Give me your hand. [Chris grabs Dan's hand and he is saved]
I was going to. But then I thought, "Nah, I'm going home". We'll talk about this tomorrow.
[rain stops and sun rises]
[answer his phone]Aw, nice.
Elise
Hi, gorgeous. What do you want to do for dinner tonight?
Ah, the eternal question. I was thinking
[interrupts Chris' call] Ahem.
Hey! The rules about personal calls are clearly spelled out in the employee handbook. You can have your phone back at the end of the day.
[takes Chris' phone away from him] But--
If you can't be trusted to work in your cubicle. [walks with Chris to the file cabinet] A comes first, then B. Just like the song. Think you can figure it out?
[opens the garage] What are you guys doing in my shop?
Elise
When I said "hide," TWICE, how could I have made that more clear?
Don't you play the victim with me! We can go back and forth all night about who set who's dog free!
But I know you've been replacing my engine with junk!
You got me. All right, Dan. After this weekend, I'll fix your car up the right way.
[furious] You fix it now!
I can't order the parts until some money comes in. Which happens this weekend. Now please leave me alone.
[picks up cake mixer out of the inside hood of the car] I'm taking this cake mixer.
If you find your dog, I would like my wallet back.
You know, Dan, you put up your car, you won the fight. Technically you could have owned this shop.
Keep it. What would I do with a mechanical shop? Besides, crushing Elise was reward enough.
Elise
You got lucky! You littl-!
Whoa, whoa! All's well that ends well, right?
And trust me, better to get out before you get hooked. Thank you, Dan. You saved my business.
You don't have to thank me, Mechanic Mike. But you DO have to fix my car whenever it breaks, and never charge me a penny.
[Chris, Elise, and Mechanic Mike walk away after Dan drives off]
Huh. Guess I forgot to- [Dan's car explodes] Yeah, that's the thromdibulator.
[Mechanic Mike throws the thromdibular to the ground as he, Elise, and Chris walk away while Dan's car is caught on fire as the episode ends]
Elise
Dan! How did you get here?
If you thought I couldn't chew my way through duct tape, you don't know me as well as you think.
That's right, Chris, your wife has joined the conspiracy to stop me from being here.
Elise
Only because I love you.
Ew cooties. Break it up. I need you to create a diversion so I can sneak inside. Chris, do that stupid fight song. You know "rah rah, whoo whoo". The one that makes you look like a complete idiot.
Elise
I thought it was peppy.
Dan, if you want to come in, buy a ticket and get a name tag. But then my attack won't be a surprise! You really have no sense of theater. [sees his friends walk by] It's Perry and Rajneesh. From the A.V. club. Hey guys! [runs over to them]
Elise
Come in, Dan. No one's looking.
[comes in from the window] I'm glad you can put your personal agenda aside and--- [Elise grabs him and puts him inside the locker] Ow!
Elise
Chris is going to make new friends tonight. Friends who call before they come over. Who returns the things they barrow. Friends who aren't wanted by Interpol. [punches the locker and walks away]
[inside the locker] Trapped in a locker? This is just like high school!
Hey, what happened to Giselle?
Elise
Let's just say she's going to need another nose job.
Wow, that really- [sneezes]
Elise
Oh, no. Now you've got a- [sneezes]
[satisfied while Elise and Chris stare at him angrily] Don't look at me. I feel great.
There's nothing like a great ski trip! Just you, me, the snow and-
Can we get some heat back here?
Elise
And Dan.
If I get frost bite, you're buying me new toes.
Well it was either bring him along or risk him sabotaging the trip.
Obviously. Do you know how it feels to be left behind? And besides, why wouldn't you bring me? I love skiing. [sees a lot of people skiing] Wait...what are these people doing?
THIS is skiing? What's the one where you shoot clay discs with a rifle?
Elise
You mean skeet shooting?
Yeah! That's the one I like! I despise skiing.
You know how I feel about trying things.
Well, I guess we should have known better. Shall we pack it up and go?
Elise
Hold on. It's just a one night trip. Dan, you can survive one night. And why don't you make the most of it? Skiing's a lot of fun.
If you want to dress up like an astronaut and get a concussion that's your business, but I didn't take my stupid pills this morning, so if you think-- [cut to him, Chris, and Elise at the ski lift] --that I'm going to strand myself at the top of a mountain with those snow hippies, you are very wrong.
Well, we're almost to the top, so you may as well give it a shot. [he and Elise leave to ski]
How do you stop this thing? Hurling myself down a mountain at terminal velocity goes against every natural instinct in my body. And that guy's.
It's easy. If you want to go forward, just make your skis look like french fries. See? And if you want to stop, you just make your skis look like pizza.
Is there anything that doesn't remind you of food?
Speaking of which, I've already worked up a bit of an appetite. I wonder if you can tell if the snack bar is open from up here.
Uh, Chris? Chris? [goes down skiing]
Where's the emergency brake on this thing?
LGLittle Girl
Mommy, mommy take my picture! Take my-- [gets caught with Dan] Mommy!!!
Man, this place is a death tra-AAH! SKIIII TRRRIIIPPP!!! [falls down and lands in the snow] Ow ow ow!
[Dan and Elise are at a cabin together]
[takes a sip of his hot chocolate] Man, this is peaceful. [breaks his drink] I hate it.
Elise
Dan!
No TV, no cell phone service, no thank you! You can take a cab home. I'm getting out of here right now. [opens the door as snow falls] What's this nonsense?
Elise
Looks like a blizzard. Which means Chris is stranded with a bunch of strangers and I'm stuck here with you.
A blizzard? You think a bunch of flakey water is gonna stop ME? [closes the door but opens again as he gets icicles on his nose] OK. I've got icicles in my nose.
Elise
I told you, the only thing you can do with a storm like this is wait it out. And by these look of these clouds, it could be a while. Maybe even all night.
All night? Oh no. No, no, no, no. I agreed to try skiing, I agreed to sip your cocoa, I even let you tie me up and gag me, but there is no way, and I mean NO WAY, I am staying in this meat locker for an entire night! [he wakes up from the chair and gets the keys] So long, Elise. I hope you choke on a big pile of- [opens the door and finds out that snow is coming from outside] Snow!
MMan
Which one of you is Dan?
Who wants to know?! The trilateral commission? Freemasons? [gets a paper about jury duty thrown on his face]
MMan
L.A. Superior Court, buddy. You've been served.
MMan
We tried to notify you by mail, but you never responded.
I don't open mail from the government. That's what they want you to do.
MMan
We'll see you in court. [walks away]
But my friends and I need to drive around until we find the aliens that abducted me! We have to make them pay for what they did! Whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't pleasant.
MMan
You show up for jury duty, or you go to jail. Your choice.
Elise
Dan has to perform his civic duty!
Don't worry Dan. Elise and I will drive you.
MMan
Elise? You're Elise?
Elise
Oh, come on!
DEDan and Elise
[yelling] JURY DUTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Your honor, I am also in the process of giving birth. And I'm also emotionally fragile, having been recently abducted by aliens. [cut to Dan being locked in a hamster cage] Alternate juror? That's even worse! I still have to be here, but I can't send anyone to prison!
CCrunch
I'm just happy to be of service to my community. By the way, that's Olaf. He doesn't speak any English.
Then how do you know what his name is?
CCrunch
Oh I'm like, totally fluent in Danish. Anyway, Olaf isn't even a juror. He wandered in by mistake when he was looking for the bathroom.
I'm tunneling out. [he digs down under the cage until he gets hit at the bottom]
CCrunch
Don't go yet, bro-face. They're supposed to give us food pellets in like an hour.
[pops up] Useless! Under the layer of newspaper there's just more bars.
JJudge
Has the jury selected a foreman?
Elise
We have, your honor. It's me.
[Elise sighs]
[whisper-yelling] CHRIS! Hey, Chris! You've got to bust me out of here.
I'm not "busting you out" of jury duty.
Just go to my apartment, all right?! In my closet, you'll find a a plastic gun, a block of thermite, a wig, makeup, petroleum jelly-
But sadly, no clean clothes.
JJudge
[clank clank] Are you trying to influence one of my jurors, or just disturbing the proceedings?
Uh, the second one? [gets kicked out of the court] I'll just wait out here, then.
This has been so much fun. We really should get hold of devastatingly toxic chemicals more often.
I am rather enjoying myself. Where to next?
There's one last broccoli farm left in the greater Los Angeles area. We take that out, they'll HAVE to serve fries at Burgerphile again.
[both vehicles stop in the middle of road]
Elise
Dan! [comes out from the car and confronts him for taking her ID] You are a dead man!
[comes out from the truck] Okay, before you start in on one of your irrational "You-took-my-ID-a and-used-it-to-steal-weapons-grade-def foliants-from-the army," let's take a moment to think about what's really important. Friendship. [Elise punches him] Ow! Jerk!
Elise
Where's my ID?
It's in the truck! Go ahead and take it, I don't need it any more anyway. I only have one more farm to destroy and then I'm done. For now.
Elise
I'm taking the defoliant back, too.
But the last broccoli farm!
Elise
Let it be a lesson to you. If Chris wasn't involved, I'd have you arrested for high treason!
In that case, I'm glad Chris is involved.
Elise
[angrily gets in the truck and sees Chris hiding] And you! You're not hiding!
First off, let me say I'm sorry. Second, let me say I don't know what I'm apologizing for.
Elise
We will talk about it at home.
Uh, you didn't leave the keys in the car, did you?
Elise
Why do you ask?
[Dan takes the car and drives away offscreen]
Elise
Dan! Get back here! Let's get after him.
He has the keys to the truck, too.
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
