Elise quotes from Dan Vs.

Elise

Yes! [calls] Hey, it's Elise. Tell little Susie I'll be there in time for the freestyle rap battle!

Chris

[to an angry Mr. Bainbridge] Well, sir, the important thing is we had fun.

Mr. Bainbridge

You're fired! [walks away]

Chris

Aw...

Elise

So Dan, this is our new gym. What do you think?

Dan

I think there's a whole room full of people on bicycles going nowhere!

Chris

They're called stationary bikes.

Elise

It's to get your heart rate up.

Dan

That sounds dangerously irresponsible! I'm leaving. [he tries to leave but Chris grabs him] Get your sticky paws off me!

Chris

Give the gym a chance. You said just yesterday you've been feeling fat.

Dan

That was said in confidence!

Dan

Turn off the idiot-box, Chris. We have work to do.

Chris

Just once, I'd like you to open with "Hey, Chris! How are you today?"

Dan

Grow up. We have to end stupidity in this country once and for- What are you watching? Is that guy eating a bucket of mayonnaise?

Chris

It's a competitive eating contest. Want to watch with us?

Dan

This is your "must-see" television show?

Chris

Yep. The Gullet Bowl. What? It's good.

Dan

I'm not going to say anything, Chris. I'm just going to give you the slow, sad, head-shake of disapproval.

Elise

What are you doing here, Dan?

Dan

What are YOU doing here, Elise? I could see Chris watching this drivel, but I'd expect better from you.

Elise

Oh, he's not just watching it.

Chris

He's going to compete this year. That's right! In the deep-fried bacon eating contest. I've finally found my sport!

Dan

There are so many things wrong with that statement I don't even know where to begin. You actually want him to do this?

Elise

Of course not. It's terrible for his health. But you can't stand between Chris and empty calories.

Dan

I come over here to enlist your aid in destroying the stupidity epidemic, and instead I find myself knee-deep in it!

Chris

It's not an epidemic, Dan.

Dan

Sure it is! And it's getting worse. Every aspect of our society is serving to make us dumber.

Elise

Come on.

Dan

Spell-check means you don't have to spell. People don't use encyclopedias, they just get the wrong information from the Internet!

Chris

Dan, could you move? You're blocking the TV.

Dan

But.

Wow, folks, Thompson's just CRAMMING those fishsticks into his gullet He's the one to beat.

Dan

Listen to you! Our whole society is getting dumber as we speak. TV shows just quote older TV shows.

Elise

Even if you're right, Dan, how do you expect to-

We now pause for breaking news from the Government Action Center for Action in Los Angeles.

Chris

Aw, I wanted to see how the contest ends!

Elise

With clogged arteries for the contestants.

Let's go live to the Governor of California, with a special announcement.

Well, hello. My fellow Californians. I'll get right to it. Due to budget cuts, the school year is being downsized to 3 months. Also, textbooks will be replaced by the Internet. So, uh, that's happening. [laughs] Yes sir.

Mr. Governor? Is this a good idea? Further cuts in education?

Are you saying you WANT higher taxes?

I'm just asking if the school system will be able to-

I don't know about that, son. I just let the teachers teach. Because unlike you, I believe in America.

I believe in America, too. It's good, then we're in agreement.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you Governor! And now, back to the Gullet Bowl!

Dan

I think I know where to start. Come on, Chris, let's go talk to the Governor.

Chris

I should get something to eat anyway. Gotta stretch out the guts. [walks out of the house]

Dan

Gross!

Elise

You have no idea. He's been sweating bacon fat.

Dan

[takes out the fire ant farm from the box] Yes, my pretties. Soon you will have a target for your horrible, painful bites. Yesss.

Chris

I'm going to make sure this thing works. [he plugs the fryer as he and Dan quickly hide as the Governor of California comes]

Dan

[whispering] He's coming! Get ready!

Chris

[he gets the fryer from the Governor of California's desk but he realizes that his butt is on fire] Oh, no. [he runs around in circles] Ahh! Ahhh! I'm on fire! Help me!

Dan

I'm on it, buddy! [he uses the fire extinguisher to spray Chris but he misses] When are you going to learn to hold still!? [shocked as there is fire ants on his fire] You were supposed to be on MY side! Ow! I'll teach you to bite me, you little pests! Ow! Ow! [he hits himself with a stick while Chris is running around as the Governor of California comes in his office]

[on the phone] Our work in America is finished. Pack up. We're moving all stupidity operations to China. Pardon me.

Chris

[gets tripped by the Governor of California] Wahhh-oof! [as fire is off him] Thank you.

You’re quite welcome. There's a garden hose out back. You can wash the ants off.

Dan

[voiceover] I'll get you for this!

Highly unlikely! Good day. [leaves his office]

I spent 10 months undercover and you ruin it in one day. Do you have any idea of what this investigation cost the taxpayers?

Chris

A lot?

I'm out of here. Dancing Shadow.

Elise

Agent Bro-Face. How are you? Okay, I guess. I know what will make you feel better. Let's get you some deep-fried bacon.

Elise

Chris! Did you hear that?

Chris

Are you calling this ship because the ship you're on has been captured?

Elise

Never mind. I'll handle it. [she does ninja moves as she goes down to the living room to find Dan watching TV] Dan.

Dan

Oh, hey Elise. You can't sleep either?

Elise

I WAS sleeping just fine. How did you get in?

Dan

Kitchen window was unlocked. Hey, since we're both up, how about you, toddle into the kitchen and make us some dairy-free cocoa?

Elise

What are you doing here?

Dan

Waiting for my cocoa, Elise. Chop-chop!

Elise

Last chance before I de-bone you. What are you doing in our living room?

Dan

I told you already, I can't sleep. They keep calling me.

Elise

Who does?

Dan

Telemarketers! It's like you don't even listen.

Elise

Why don't you turn your phone off?

Dan

I can't. What if Chris needs me in the middle of the night? Sometimes when a person is in a toxic relationship, they need a friend they can talk to.

Elise

Okay, this has been a hoot and a half, but if you don't leave right now I'm going to emasculate you.

Dan

I think you mean eviscerate.

Elise

I know what I said.

Chris

[wakes up as he goes to the living room] Elise? You coming back to- Hey, Dan. What are you doing here?

Dan

Chris, I'm glad you're up. Go make me some cocoa.

Elise

Dan! You are leaving!

Dan

I can't! The telemarketers know my every step! I think they work for some kind of shadowy quasi governmental organization.

Elise

Trust me, you are of no interest to the intelligence community.

Dan

Then how do you explain how they know where I am at all times?

Elise

They don't! [phone rings] Hello? It's for you.

Dan

Yes? [angrily] NO, I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR DELOUSING SERVICE! HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER? [hangs up and the phone rings again] Well?!

Elise

Chris, would you make us some cocoa?

Elise

They can mess with Dan all they want. But call MY house? I don't think so.

Dan

67 voicemail messages? Since when do they leave voicemails?

Chris

I kind of miss telemarketing. Good hours, steady work until they outsourced all the call center positions.

Dan

Then let's get on a plane to India and kick some butts!

Elise

It's probably a little premature to fly halfway around the world.

Dan

Oh, you're so smart? What are you doing? And what is taking so long with the cocoa?!

Chris

Good cocoa takes time.

Elise

I'm hacking the companies the telemarketers were advertising to find out who does their cold calling.

Dan

That could take forever!

Elise

Let the record show I was done before Chris.

Chris

Do you want good cocoa, or rushed cocoa?

Elise

Looks like it's the company you used to work for, after all.

Dan

I knew it! I'm flying to Mumbai.

Elise

You'll be about 87 hundred miles off, then.

Dan

How do you mean?

Elise

They outsourced to Reseda.

Chris

What? That's just 10 miles away. I would have commuted there.

Dan

Come on, guys. It's up to us to stop this evil menace from destroying countless lives!

Elise

As long as we're back by brunch. [leaves the kitchen]

Dan

Are you coming?

Chris

[angrily] You do NOT ask me to make cocoa in the middle of the night and then leave before it's ready!

Dan

[worried] But-

Chris

[angrily] SIT DOWN!

Dan

[satisfied] Okay, that's really good.

Elise

According to the call logs, all the calls to Dan's phone were made by the same employee. Him.

Dan

I'll handle it from here. [angrily] ALRIGHT, YOU FILTHY TELEMARKETER! YOU!

Chris

Hey, it's that guy who stole Dan's identity and tried to ruin his life.

Hiya, Dan. How've you been?

Dan

It's me! I mean, I'm you! I mean, you know who you are! Stop calling me!

Oh, I can't do that now, can I? Not after I spent 6 months in jail because the police thought I was YOU!

Dan

Because you stole my identity! Whose fault is that?

So I should just let it go then?

Dan

I WOULD!

By the way, hi, Chris and Elise. You guys look stunning! You do. Have you been working out? tell? tell? Oh stop, you.

Dan

Hey! Don't be charmed by this miscreant! Need I remind you that he's calling your house, too?

Elise

Dan's right. I get one more sales call at 4am and you find out how hard it is to dial without fingers.

Whoa now, tigress. I'm gonna have to put you on a leash. I don't have a problem with you guys. I won't call you anymore. Heh?

Elise

Huh. Alright, then.

Dan

And you'll stop calling me, too?

[laughs] It's adorable that you think that.

Dan

Oh, come on! Look, I got you thrown in jail. Fine. But this is just sub-human.

Listen man-cookie. I learned all about "sub-human" on cellblock 2.

Elise

Well, I got what I wanted. I'll be outside.

Dan

I demand to know why you've called me over 200 times in the last 24 hours.

Ha. Maybe I have a dream, Dan. You ever think of that?

Dan

Um, I had not thought of that..

Maybe I just want to be the best telemarketer I can be.

Chris

You'd, uh, probably be better at it if you called more than one person.

Chris has a point. Maybe that's not my dream after all.

Dan

[yelling] STOP PLAYING GAMES AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!

To drive you absolutely batty. Nutso. Around the bend. And I have to say, I don't expect it to take long. Now, I've enjoyed our little chat here, but if you don't leave immediately, I'll have you arrested for trespassing. And Dan? We're on parole.

Dan

[angrily as Chris is dragging him] YOU ABYSMAL EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING! I WILL FIND A WAY TO-

I'll call you.

Dan

Man, I hate that guy! And how could you ditch me in my moment of need? He's trying to make me crazy, you know.

Elise

You mean crazy-er?

Dan

He clearly doesn't know who he's messing with!

Elise

Uh-huh.

Dan

[angrily] YOU HEAR ME IN THERE!? YOU CAN'T DRIVE ME MAD! I LAUGH AT YOU! [laughs angrily] YOU COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN BITE YOU! RARH! RARH! [grumbling to himself until Chris and Elise head to the car]

Dan

Bite his face off, that’s what I’ll do.

Elise

Calm down, Dan. Listen, I made it look like I was ditching you, but really I was sneaking away so I could-

Dan

You don’t need to explain. It’s like I told Chris when I was driving to your wedding. [Chris saddened] “Don’t marry Elise. She’s a jerk!”

Elise

What?! Okay, you are going to have to beg, and I mean BEG, on bended knee for me to help you now!

Dan

When the devil goes ice-skating, missy.

Dan

Some friends! Don’t expect my help when the people yout sent to jail for six months come back for revenge!

Run this by me one more time.

Dan

Fine! There's this guy, okay? He tried to steal my identity.

While you were in jail?

Dan

No. HE went to jail, not me! But it was for something I did. Because he was me.

So he's you?

Dan

No! But kind of. And now he's a telemarketer who won't stop calling.

And then he attacked you?

Dan

Yes! He knocked me unconscious, so he could dress up as my cat, and redecorate my apartment!

Because?

Dan

He's trying to make it seem like I'm losing my marbles! Which I'm not!

I assure you sir, we will give this matter all the attention it deserves.

[voiceover] Which means none, of course.

Dan

Did you hear that?

Uh, hear what?

[voiceover] He can't hear the voices in your head silly. Come on.

Dan

[yelling] YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!

With pleasure. That door's that way.

Dan

[yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!

[voiceover] Hey now, don't be a jerk.

Dan

[yelling] YOU'RE A JERK!

Do not call me names, sir. I carry a gun.

Dan

I said, [yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I'M TALKING TO THE TELEMARKETER!

Oh, so he's here now?

Dan

No! Yes! I mean- No.

[voiceover] That was very smooth.

Dan

[yelling] SHUT UP!

[voiceover] Why are you so upset? We're having fun together. And this is only the beginning!

Dan

[yelling] He's in my brains! [runs off to Chris and Elise's house much to his horror] Sign me up for the laughing academy, Chris! Book me a room at the padded hotel!

Chris

Hey Dan. What's new?

Dan

He's done it! I'm completely round the bend! Yeah? Well no one asked you! Stupid voice in my head!

Elise

You're hearing the telemarketer in your head?

Dan

Uh-huh. Except when I ran under some power lines. Then it changed to smooth jazz for some reason.

Elise

Dan, do you trust me?

Dan

OF COURSE NOT! [Elise covers his mouth with a towel as he faints]

Dan

How can you watch that filth?

Chris

How long have you been standing there?

Dan

Long enough to pity you. This afternoon, I was duped into being a puppet on a ridiculous reality show.

Chris

Hey! You're gonna be on TV! I don't want to be on TV!

Dan

I'm not an entertainer, Chris, I'm an entertainee. Which that slimeball fails to understand.

Chris

What slimeball?

Dan

Who cares?! Some stupid producer. Buddy something. Let's go!

[on TV] Tune in next week when we get cozy at Ninja Dave's cookies. Until then, I'm Tony Minestrone, telling you to stay cozy. Or else.

[on TV] You just watched a Buddy Star production. Way to go, you.

Dan

Buddy Star! That's the guy who bamboozled me.

Chris

[as Elise comes home] Hey, honey! Want to come meet a famous reality TV producer before Dan ruins his life?

Elise

Ah! Thanks, but I'm not really into Reality TV. Or Dan. Besides, weren't we going to fix the water heater?

Chris

You're right. One of us should probably stay.

Elise

How hard is it to turn off a TV?

[on TV] This week on "Fake Date". An angry little man answers the wrong personal ad.

Dan

[yelling in front of the store] And I'll say it again: JUST SAY NO TO PARENTHOOD! ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE ON THE PATH OF THE RIGHTEOUS! Over the course of a parent's life, their child will cost them more than $1,000,000! Money that could be spent on a yacht! A car made out of gold! Even one of those apes that knows sign language!

Chris

[while walking with groceries] I still don't get why it's called it a farmer's market. They didn't even sell overalls.

Elise

At least we got all these great vegetables.

Dan

Don't throw your lives away on people who will only grow up to resent you! Don't believe me? Just ask my parents!

Elise

Wow, Dan. I guess I always knew you'd end up a raving derelict.

Dan

Sister, I am cutting off parenting at its source. Can I get a DAN'S GREAT?

Chris

Woo-hoo!

Elise

OK Dan, people don't need to be told how to be parents. And if they do, not by you. They can just go to Toddler Todd's Tykeland.

Dan

What in the name of all things unholy is Toddler Todd's Tykeland?

Elise

It's where everyone goes to learn all the latest parenting techniques.

Chris

Why do you know that?

Elise

Well I started doing some research. Eventually, you and I are gonna wanna have chil--

Chris

[he and Dan head off to the car] OK, Dan. I'll help you. [in the car with Dan] Oh man, oh man, she's she's already dropping the "c" word. I mean what am I gonna do?

Dan

That's easy. I know a great divorce attorney. Well, not great, but he did represent my dad. I wonder whatever happened to the old man.

Chris

Well, you should write him sometime.

Dan

Why would I write to a divorce attorney? [he and Chris arrive in the parking lot of Toddler Todd's Tykeland] Here's what we're going do: cover you in maple syrup, roll you in feathers. Then you go in-

Chris

Whoa. I'm not- not going an- not going anywhere near kids. I'm freaked out enough.

Dan

[as he leaves the car] Baby!

Chris

Sure. The pictures are cute. You can't smell them in pictures.

Okay, next question. Do you have a preference between boy or girl?

Dan

Well, women are kinder, gentler, naturally more compassionate. But men do get paid more. Boy.

Okeydokey. And would you like a child that is American, foreign, or swirl?

Dan

Hmm, what do you think, Chris?

I think this whole thing is a huge mistake, and I won't let you do it.

Dan

No preference.

Just sign here and you're all set.

Chris

Dan, if you have any respect for me or what I think, you won't sign that. Oh, Dan. What have you done?

Dan

So should I pull the car up, or does he already know how to walk?

Actually, your baby boy won't arrive for 6-8 years. There's quite a wait list for healthy infants.

Dan

But I wanted to drive home a new child today.

I'm afraid the only way we could get you a kid right now is if you were willing to somehow settle.

Dan

What do you mean, "settle"?

This is where we keep the, [whispering] uh ahem, irregulars.

Dan

It can't hurt to do a little window shopping. Uh, maybe not this one. Oh, she's cute. She can be the backup plan. Who's in here?

[in an evil voice] This is not my true form.

Chris

[on the phone] Elise, you gotta help me. I'm at the adoption agency with Dan and he's trying to take home a kid.

Elise

What? There's no one less qualified to be a parent than Dan.

Chris

You don't have to tell me. A child would be better off floating down a river in a basket.

Elise

Not like you, the strong, nurturing type. You were born to be a father.

Chris

Aah! [hangs up]

Dan

So what's your bedtime? [gasps as Dennis' mom arrives]

There you are, Dennis. You're coming with me.

Dan

What are you talking about? He's mine. I won him fair and square.

Dan, he'll never be yours.

Dan

Why? Everything I did was in self-defense.

It's not just that.

Dan

Your background check also came back. [whistles] I don't care what Homeland Security says.

I know I'm the best parent for Dennis. Well, I care. And unfortunately for you, I make the decision. Dennis is going with the Goodhills. Oh, yeah? What makes you qualified to decide? I'm a parent.

Dan

[angrily grunts] Just give me a moment. Promise me you'll steal from them every chance you get.

Oh, I will.

Chris

So what do you think, Elise? Should we have a kid? [sees Dan thumb wrestle with Dennis]

Elise

I think we already do.

Chris

Yeah. Maybe a dog's the way to go.

Elise

[as she locked Chris inside a shed] Chris, this is for your own good. You're a bulk-buying addict.

Chris

Let me out! I'm missing so many bargains!

Elise

Your bargain days are over, mister. [angrily heads to Gigundo-Mart]