“The High School Reunion” quotes from Dan Vs.

Chris

[singing] Hail hail the mighty owls... standing loyal and true. Rah rah. Whoo whoo whoo! [takes out the old jersey out of his box] My old jersey! [puts on jersey]

Dan

[entering] Chris, good, you're home. Take this. I need your fingerprints on it. [puts the bag in bowling ball]

Chris

What? Why?

Dan

That's between me and the Department of Agriculture. [Chris ignores Dan and walks off] Is that your high school jersey?

Chris

Yeah, I think it shrunk while it was in storage.

Dan

What is this junk? A year book, stack of report cards? Are you planning a bonfire?

Chris

Just taking a little stroll down memory lane. Tonight's the class reunion.

Dan

And you intend to go?

Chris

Of course. There's going to be a big party in the school gymnasium. Elise is eager to meet my old pals.

Dan

[takes the "Go Owls" flag away from him] Chris, reunions are for ex-prom queens and aging muscle-heads who want to wallow in their past glories. Not for normal people like us who hated high school.

Chris

That might've been your experience Dan, but I loved it. I was involved in so many activities... I earned dozens of participation ribbons.

Dan

Delude yourself if you must, but I endured the same four years you did, and I wouldn't be caught dead commemorating them at some vapid social. [notices that he was not invited] Hey, wait a minute. I was in your high school class. No one sent me an invitation.

Chris

Really? Hmm.

Dan

I guess they didn't want me there. B-but why?

Chris

I'm sure it was an oversight.

Dan

Oh, don't sugar coat it, Martha Sunshine! I know when I've been snubbed! [yelling] HIGH SCHOOL REUNION!!!!

Dan

I spent my teenage years constantly ridiculed. Then I'd get to school and it was even worse.

Elise

Dan! How did you get here?

Dan

If you thought I couldn't chew my way through duct tape, you don't know me as well as you think.

Chris

What?

Dan

That's right, Chris, your wife has joined the conspiracy to stop me from being here.

Elise

Only because I love you.

Dan

Ew cooties. Break it up. I need you to create a diversion so I can sneak inside. Chris, do that stupid fight song. You know "rah rah, whoo whoo". The one that makes you look like a complete idiot.

Elise

I thought it was peppy.

Chris

Dan, if you want to come in, buy a ticket and get a name tag. But then my attack won't be a surprise! You really have no sense of theater. [sees his friends walk by] It's Perry and Rajneesh. From the A.V. club. Hey guys! [runs over to them]

Elise

Come in, Dan. No one's looking.

Dan

[comes in from the window] I'm glad you can put your personal agenda aside and--- [Elise grabs him and puts him inside the locker] Ow!

Elise

Chris is going to make new friends tonight. Friends who call before they come over. Who returns the things they barrow. Friends who aren't wanted by Interpol. [punches the locker and walks away]

Dan

[inside the locker] Trapped in a locker? This is just like high school!

Chris

[muffling] Oh, I get it. I get it. Is that you, Rajneesh? Are we re-enacting the A.V. Club initiation? Well, bring on the pudding! [Dan takes off Gym Bag] Oh...

Dan

I decided to give you one more chance to redeem yourself.

Chris

Dan, for the last time... [Dan opens his car trunk and reveals the owl suit] Ah! It's the owl suit! The one I would've worn if I was elected mascot. Wait a minute. How did you get this?

Dan

Dressing up as a mascot is an embarrassment! I was saving you from yourself!

Chris

You're the one who stole it?

Dan

I didn't plan to keep this long. But it's surprisingly difficult to unload an owl suit.

Chris

How could you do that to me? You knew that was my dream!

Dan

[gets the Owl Mask] If you help me, you get to wear it. In all its feathery glory.

Chris

No, I can't use the mascot in service of evil?

Dan

You sure?

Chris

[yelling, running away] NOOOO!!!

Dan

[puts on the mask] Sheesh. Some people are so dramatic.