[Dan and Chris arrive to work]
Chris and Dan, reporting for duty.
BThe Boss
Cute. Okay, here's the deal: People are past due on their magazine subscriptions. You call them and tell them to pay up. Think you monkeys can handle that?
Who are you calling a monkey?! [cut to him at the workplace] Stupid boss Call ME names? [Chris is humming while he's doing his work] Chris, I'm leaving. I can't work for someone who treats me like an idiot. [he reads at his message on the computer] Oh. That's it! [he angrily heads to his boss' office]
BThe Boss
Aw, office monkey look upset. Office monkey want a banana?
No, office monkey want- Now, stop that! Just give me my $18 and I'll be on my way.
BThe Boss
$18? You make $9 an hour, and you've been here for 5 minutes.
BThe Boss
You leave now, I'll make sure you never get another temp job. Which means you're getting evicted, Dan.
BThe Boss
Look, I am in the middle of nothing, actually. But that's still more interesting than talking to you. Get out of my office.
[angrily heads out of his boss' office, throws papers over the air as Chris is filing them, picks up a trash can and drops the papers on the floor, and goes outside yelling] BOSS!!!
Dan's log, 1:03:27 of my imprisonment I have escaped my cell, and am now gathering intelligence. [narrating] First, I have discovered that one can spend great amounts of time in the restroom without arousing suspicion. Though unfortunately, there are limited time-killing activities to be had there. Perhaps not surprisingly, the longer I stay in the bathroom, the less likely anyone is to ask "why" upon my return. So far, my best camouflage has been simply sitting at my desk, staring at the computer screen.
BThe Boss
That's what I like to see. Work smarter, not harder.
[narrating] Though it's very easy to lose consciousness. [puts his head down and screams] Finally, crude weapons can be forged from the materials at hand and it does provide some passing amusement to use my fellow office drones for target practice. [whispers] Hey! [aims the rubber band ball at the worker] However, those that share my dismal situation are the enemy. There is one enemy, and she is-
BThe Boss
[pops up behind Dan] Right behind you.
BThe Boss
Get back to your desk!
[pops up at Chris' work area] I'm going over the wall.
Catch me! [he falls down on Chris as the computer unplugs]
[feeling his stomach] Can't breathe!
I'll send you a postcard from freedomville! [crawls away]
[when Dan is trying to find a way to escape, he finds The Boss standing in front of him]
BThe Boss
Can you explain why I found these in the trash can? [drops the files on the floor]
Yes, I can. I threw them away because I didn't feel like filing them. [The Boss steps on his hand] Ow!
BThe Boss
I really should get rid of you, but some part of me enjoys watching you suffer here.
BThe Boss
So I'm going to give you one more chance.
[Dan is on the phone having a split screen chat with a dumb costumer]
Hello, sir. You are past due on your payment for "Rat Fancy" magazine.
DCDumb Customer
So what? I ain't payin'. You go ahead and cancel my prescription.
Yes sir, but we still need to collect payment on the issues you've received.
DCDumb Customer
Nuh-uh. I said CANCEL MY PRESCRIPTION, you idiot!
DCDumb Customer
Don't you correctify me! [hangs up]
[Dan press the redial button, and talks to the dumb costumer again]
Listen up, brain trust. I have your address. Do you understand what that means? I know where you live. Where you sleep. [yelling] AND I WILL FIND YOU, YOU MOUTH BREATHER, AND WHEN I DO, I WILL RAM MY FIST... DOWN YOUR INCOMPREHENSIBLY STUPID... THROAT!
[still yelling] I WILL GRAB YOUR LARGE INTESTINES... RIP THEM OUT OF YOUR BODY, AND I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM! [he realizes that everyone is starting at him and The Boss is standing behind him] Ah, personal call.
[answer his phone]Aw, nice.
Hi, gorgeous. What do you want to do for dinner tonight?
Ah, the eternal question. I was thinking
[interrupts Chris' call] Ahem.
Hey! The rules about personal calls are clearly spelled out in the employee handbook. You can have your phone back at the end of the day.
[takes Chris' phone away from him] But--
If you can't be trusted to work in your cubicle. [walks with Chris to the file cabinet] A comes first, then B. Just like the song. Think you can figure it out?
[after The Boss was defeated] Quitting time. [he and Chris leave the workplace] On the bright side, looks like we can sleep in tomorrow.
Hey, thanks for not sacrificing me to your demon overlord.
No problem, buddy. I just wonder how I'm going to make rent this month.
You know, Dan, I think I can spot you. It's the least I can do.
It really is. [he and Chris drive home while the workplace is caught on fire as the episode ends]
