[Chris is eating popcorn as Dan comes to scare him]
How can you watch that filth?
How long have you been standing there?
Long enough to pity you. This afternoon, I was duped into being a puppet on a ridiculous reality show.
Hey! You're gonna be on TV! I don't want to be on TV!
I'm not an entertainer, Chris, I'm an entertainee. Which that slimeball fails to understand.
Who cares?! Some stupid producer. Buddy something. Let's go!
TTony
[on TV] Tune in next week when we get cozy at Ninja Dave's cookies. Until then, I'm Tony Minestrone, telling you to stay cozy. Or else.
BBuddy
[on TV] You just watched a Buddy Star production. Way to go, you.
Buddy Star! That's the guy who bamboozled me.
[as Elise comes home] Hey, honey! Want to come meet a famous reality TV producer before Dan ruins his life?
Ah! Thanks, but I'm not really into Reality TV. Or Dan. Besides, weren't we going to fix the water heater?
[Dan clears his throat as he leaves Chris and Elise's house]
You're right. One of us should probably stay.
How hard is it to turn off a TV?
BSBuddy Star
[on TV] This week on "Fake Date". An angry little man answers the wrong personal ad.
DDirector
[appears outside] What are you still doing here?
[throw pillows on the director's face] We've decided to beat you to death with throw pillows.
DDirector
Wait, to death? Stop! You don't have to do this.
Yes I do. Reality TV is the worst entertainment medium since witch-burning. If you want to entertain people, why don't you try making a real show? With fictional characters who live in impossibly convenient worlds?
DDirector
Hey, we'd all love to write a real show. But it's hard. I don't have any ideas.
Really? I have drawers full of stuff that could be on TV. Oh well. [pillow fights with the director]
DDirector
Wait, wait, wait wait! I have a thought. Look, all I want to do is produce television. If you've got better ideas, I will cancel every reality show on my roster. Come to my estate for lunch tomorrow. We'll talk. [Dan hits the director with a pillow]
[Dan is making a recipe]
KKelly
I love a guy who can cook! What are you making?
If you must know, a bomb.
KKelly
Wow! My grandma used to make those! Chocolate-cherry or peach-praline?
KKelly
I don't think I've ever tried that one.
And you never will. Because I'm about to incinerate every inch of this house. THEN HOW WILL YOU DO YOUR STUPID SHOW, BUDDY? [laughs eviliy]
KKelly
Oh, I get it. You're just mad because you found out the grand prize is just a trip to Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
What? Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp?
KKelly
Yeah, pretty lame, huh?
[gives Kelly a rose] Here ya go. Ah, the sweet stench of victory!
BBuddy
You won, big deal? We'll just have to keep reshooting it until you lose. Thanks for wasting everyone's time! [Buddy's phone rings] One sec. Uh huh. Uh huh. You too. That was the president of the network. He just canceled the show. Apparently the ratings were terrible. The only thing with less viewers was some Opera Documentary on Public Access.
Guess there won't be a reshoot after all.
BBuddy
I've never had a show cancelled before! Never!
Wanted to ruin a reality show, check. Wanted to ruin Buddy Star's life, check. Guess the only thing left to do is go to Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
JJack
So, how about I take you on a real date sometime?
KKelly
Dude, I'm married. [leaves]
[at the end, Dan arrives at Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp]
It's just like I imagined. [he heads inside Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp] Hey, what is this?
AAnnouncer
Everyone, meet Dan. He's our last contestant on "They Told Me It Was Astronaut Sleepaway Camp But Instead I'm Trapped in a Steal Shipping Counter with a Ravenous Pack on Coyotes!"
[Dan screams as coyotes attack him inside the place as the episode ends]
