[finds a quarter in the fountain] Yes! A quarter! Things are finally looking up. Ugggh. [sees a naked baby] What is wrong with parents today?
JJean
There you are, Kale. Are you enjoying your frolic?
I demand answers. Why isn't this savage wearing pants like the rest of us?
FFlynn
We subscribe to Dr. Davis-Siegel's child-led method of parenting.
JJean
I'm Jean Goodhill. This is my soul mate, Flynn Goodhill.
Back off, weirdos! And while you're at it, clothe your youngin'!
JJean
Sir, I think what you need is a hug. Kale! Get in there, buddy!
Wait! No! [splashes in the fountain as Kale is about to give him a hug] PAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENTS!!!!!
[yelling in front of the store] And I'll say it again: JUST SAY NO TO PARENTHOOD! ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE ON THE PATH OF THE RIGHTEOUS! Over the course of a parent's life, their child will cost them more than $1,000,000! Money that could be spent on a yacht! A car made out of gold! Even one of those apes that knows sign language!
[a man runs off screaming by Dan]
[while walking with groceries] I still don't get why it's called it a farmer's market. They didn't even sell overalls.
At least we got all these great vegetables.
Don't throw your lives away on people who will only grow up to resent you! Don't believe me? Just ask my parents!
Wow, Dan. I guess I always knew you'd end up a raving derelict.
Sister, I am cutting off parenting at its source. Can I get a DAN'S GREAT?
OK Dan, people don't need to be told how to be parents. And if they do, not by you. They can just go to Toddler Todd's Tykeland.
What in the name of all things unholy is Toddler Todd's Tykeland?
It's where everyone goes to learn all the latest parenting techniques.
Well I started doing some research. Eventually, you and I are gonna wanna have chil--
[he and Dan head off to the car] OK, Dan. I'll help you. [in the car with Dan] Oh man, oh man, she's she's already dropping the "c" word. I mean what am I gonna do?
That's easy. I know a great divorce attorney. Well, not great, but he did represent my dad. I wonder whatever happened to the old man.
Well, you should write him sometime.
Why would I write to a divorce attorney? [he and Chris arrive in the parking lot of Toddler Todd's Tykeland] Here's what we're going do: cover you in maple syrup, roll you in feathers. Then you go in-
Whoa. I'm not- not going an- not going anywhere near kids. I'm freaked out enough.
[as he leaves the car] Baby!
[arrives at Toddler Todd's Tykeland while two little boys come close to him such as getting sprayed in the face and grossed out by a kid with boogers] Ah! Ahem! [he goes on stage while a little boy hugs his leg with another little boy following him as he gets ready to give attention to everyone] Ahem!!!! [he grunts as a little kid hits him with a floatable hammer and kicks the recorder off the table] May I have your attention please? [angrily] SHUT UP!!! [normal voice] I'd like to inform you that Toddler Todd hasum, been arrested. For clown trafficking. [the baby cries much to Dan's yelling] Yeah. I'm your substitute toddler guy, Dan. Now who here has heard of the DAN Method? I'm not surprised, considering you're all awful parents! But there is hope! Let me break it down for you. DAN stands for discipline, action, knowledge. The 3 pillars of parenthood.
Jean Goodhill. We met earlier in the park. I'm not sure I understand. Well, Jean- [Jean's baby continues crying] Are you going to get that? In child-led parenting, we believe babies have the right to express themselves. Oh do you now? Watch and learn. Ahem. [imitating baby noises to Jean's baby] WHAAA!!! WHAA!! THAT'S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE!!! BLOO GLEE GLAA!!
TTodd
[pops out of the car's trunk] This is no way to treat the Child Educator of the Year.
[the kids are working at Toddler Todd's Tykeland much to Dan's dismay]
Kale, I need you to scrape the mold out of the AC unit. You love this thing, right? [yells at Kale] BACK TO WORK! [Kale leaves] Did everyone see how I parented Kale? I incorporated all aspects of the DAN Method. I DISCIPLINED him by making him scrape mold. I ACTED when I destroyed his favorite toy. And I-
JJean
Dan, I know the kids are well-behaved right now, but couldn't the DAN Method give them long-term psychological damage?
Who cares? It's better than your enabling, coddling, spoiling nonsense.
JJean
I really hope you don't have kids. You'd make an awful parent.
What are you talking about? If I wanted to, I could be the best parent in the world!
TTodd
[shows up injured] Help me! I've been assaulted!
There's a simple explanation- [he runs off to Chris]
Hey, Dan, question for you-
No, it didn't go well in there. Sometimes you can't reach people with words alone. You have to lead by example. Chris, I've decided to become a father.
[Dan is having an interview at adoption agency]
Sure. The pictures are cute. You can't smell them in pictures.
IInterviewer
Okay, next question. Do you have a preference between boy or girl?
Well, women are kinder, gentler, naturally more compassionate. But men do get paid more. Boy.
IInterviewer
Okeydokey. And would you like a child that is American, foreign, or swirl?
Hmm, what do you think, Chris?
IInterviewer
I think this whole thing is a huge mistake, and I won't let you do it.
IInterviewer
Just sign here and you're all set.
Dan, if you have any respect for me or what I think, you won't sign that. Oh, Dan. What have you done?
So should I pull the car up, or does he already know how to walk?
IInterviewer
Actually, your baby boy won't arrive for 6-8 years. There's quite a wait list for healthy infants.
But I wanted to drive home a new child today.
IInterviewer
I'm afraid the only way we could get you a kid right now is if you were willing to somehow settle.
What do you mean, "settle"?
[the interviewer is giving Dan a tour]
IInterviewer
This is where we keep the, [whispering] uh ahem, irregulars.
It can't hurt to do a little window shopping. Uh, maybe not this one. Oh, she's cute. She can be the backup plan. Who's in here?
KKid
[in an evil voice] This is not my true form.
[on the phone] Elise, you gotta help me. I'm at the adoption agency with Dan and he's trying to take home a kid.
What? There's no one less qualified to be a parent than Dan.
You don't have to tell me. A child would be better off floating down a river in a basket.
Not like you, the strong, nurturing type. You were born to be a father.
[at the end, Dan and Dennis go out of the store as the police officer helps Dennis' mom picks Dennis up]
So what's your bedtime? [gasps as Dennis' mom arrives]
DMDennis' Mom
There you are, Dennis. You're coming with me.
What are you talking about? He's mine. I won him fair and square.
DMDennis' Mom
Dan, he'll never be yours.
Why? Everything I did was in self-defense.
DMDennis' Mom
It's not just that.
Your background check also came back. [whistles] I don't care what Homeland Security says.
DMDennis' Mom
I know I'm the best parent for Dennis. Well, I care. And unfortunately for you, I make the decision. Dennis is going with the Goodhills. Oh, yeah? What makes you qualified to decide? I'm a parent.
[angrily grunts] Just give me a moment. Promise me you'll steal from them every chance you get.
DMDennis' Mom
Oh, I will.
So what do you think, Elise? Should we have a kid? [sees Dan thumb wrestle with Dennis]
Yeah. Maybe a dog's the way to go.
