[Dan talks to the police officer at the police station]
Run this by me one more time.
Fine! There's this guy, okay? He tried to steal my identity.
While you were in jail?
No. HE went to jail, not me! But it was for something I did. Because he was me.
So he's you?
No! But kind of. And now he's a telemarketer who won't stop calling.
And then he attacked you?
Yes! He knocked me unconscious, so he could dress up as my cat, and redecorate my apartment!
Because?
He's trying to make it seem like I'm losing my marbles! Which I'm not!
I assure you sir, we will give this matter all the attention it deserves.
[voiceover] Which means none, of course.
Did you hear that?
Uh, hear what?
[voiceover] He can't hear the voices in your head silly. Come on.
[yelling] YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!
With pleasure. That door's that way.
[yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!
[voiceover] Hey now, don't be a jerk.
[yelling] YOU'RE A JERK!
Do not call me names, sir. I carry a gun.
I said, [yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I'M TALKING TO THE TELEMARKETER!
Oh, so he's here now?
No! Yes! I mean- No.
[voiceover] That was very smooth.
[yelling] SHUT UP!
[the police officer kicks Dan out of the police station for screaming at him]
[voiceover] Why are you so upset? We're having fun together. And this is only the beginning!
[yelling] He's in my brains! [runs off to Chris and Elise's house much to his horror] Sign me up for the laughing academy, Chris! Book me a room at the padded hotel!
Hey Dan. What's new?
He's done it! I'm completely round the bend! Yeah? Well no one asked you! Stupid voice in my head!
You're hearing the telemarketer in your head?
Uh-huh. Except when I ran under some power lines. Then it changed to smooth jazz for some reason.
Dan, do you trust me?
OF COURSE NOT! [Elise covers his mouth with a towel as he faints]
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