Chris, Interviewer and others in “Parents”

Sure. The pictures are cute. You can't smell them in pictures.

Okay, next question. Do you have a preference between boy or girl?

Well, women are kinder, gentler, naturally more compassionate. But men do get paid more. Boy.

Okeydokey. And would you like a child that is American, foreign, or swirl?

Hmm, what do you think, Chris?

I think this whole thing is a huge mistake, and I won't let you do it.

No preference.

Just sign here and you're all set.

Dan, if you have any respect for me or what I think, you won't sign that. Oh, Dan. What have you done?

So should I pull the car up, or does he already know how to walk?

Actually, your baby boy won't arrive for 6-8 years. There's quite a wait list for healthy infants.

But I wanted to drive home a new child today.

I'm afraid the only way we could get you a kid right now is if you were willing to somehow settle.

What do you mean, "settle"?

This is where we keep the, [whispering] uh ahem, irregulars.

It can't hurt to do a little window shopping. Uh, maybe not this one. Oh, she's cute. She can be the backup plan. Who's in here?

[in an evil voice] This is not my true form.

[on the phone] Elise, you gotta help me. I'm at the adoption agency with Dan and he's trying to take home a kid.

What? There's no one less qualified to be a parent than Dan.

You don't have to tell me. A child would be better off floating down a river in a basket.

Not like you, the strong, nurturing type. You were born to be a father.

Aah! [hangs up]