[yelling in front of the store] And I'll say it again: JUST SAY NO TO PARENTHOOD! ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE ON THE PATH OF THE RIGHTEOUS! Over the course of a parent's life, their child will cost them more than $1,000,000! Money that could be spent on a yacht! A car made out of gold! Even one of those apes that knows sign language!
[a man runs off screaming by Dan]
[while walking with groceries] I still don't get why it's called it a farmer's market. They didn't even sell overalls.
At least we got all these great vegetables.
Don't throw your lives away on people who will only grow up to resent you! Don't believe me? Just ask my parents!
Wow, Dan. I guess I always knew you'd end up a raving derelict.
Sister, I am cutting off parenting at its source. Can I get a DAN'S GREAT?
Woo-hoo!
OK Dan, people don't need to be told how to be parents. And if they do, not by you. They can just go to Toddler Todd's Tykeland.
What in the name of all things unholy is Toddler Todd's Tykeland?
It's where everyone goes to learn all the latest parenting techniques.
Why do you know that?
Well I started doing some research. Eventually, you and I are gonna wanna have chil--
[he and Dan head off to the car] OK, Dan. I'll help you. [in the car with Dan] Oh man, oh man, she's she's already dropping the "c" word. I mean what am I gonna do?
That's easy. I know a great divorce attorney. Well, not great, but he did represent my dad. I wonder whatever happened to the old man.
Well, you should write him sometime.
Why would I write to a divorce attorney? [he and Chris arrive in the parking lot of Toddler Todd's Tykeland] Here's what we're going do: cover you in maple syrup, roll you in feathers. Then you go in-
Whoa. I'm not- not going an- not going anywhere near kids. I'm freaked out enough.
[as he leaves the car] Baby!
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