[Dan kicks the door open to the locker room]
There you are! [to Chris] Chris, prepare your jaws of death!
ChrisFor the last time, I'm not eating anyone, because it's gross!
All right! Wait, are you crying?
Uh... Okay look, I'm here to pummel you, and for some reason I feel weird about doing that while you're crying, so could you stop?
Oh, sure. I'm-I'm sorry about that.
Chris
Hey, uh, maybe if you could just put Dan's car back together, we could all forget this awkwardness.
I'd be willing to accept that.
I can't. I don't own my garage anymore. Or I won't as of Monday morning.
You know, Dan, you put up your car, you won the fight. Technically you could have owned this shop.
Keep it. What would I do with a mechanical shop? Besides, crushing Elise was reward enough.
You got lucky! You littl-!
Chris
Whoa, whoa! All's well that ends well, right?
And trust me, better to get out before you get hooked. Thank you, Dan. You saved my business.
You don't have to thank me, Mechanic Mike. But you DO have to fix my car whenever it breaks, and never charge me a penny.
[Chris, Elise, and Mechanic Mike walk away after Dan drives off]
Huh. Guess I forgot to- [Dan's car explodes] Yeah, that's the thromdibulator.
[Mechanic Mike throws the thromdibular to the ground as he, Elise, and Chris walk away while Dan's car is caught on fire as the episode ends]
Chris
[singing] Hail hail the mighty owls... standing loyal and true. Rah rah. Whoo whoo whoo! [takes out the old jersey out of his box] My old jersey! [puts on jersey]
[entering] Chris, good, you're home. Take this. I need your fingerprints on it. [puts the bag in bowling ball]
Chris
What? Why?
That's between me and the Department of Agriculture. [Chris ignores Dan and walks off] Is that your high school jersey?
Chris
Yeah, I think it shrunk while it was in storage.
What is this junk? A year book, stack of report cards? Are you planning a bonfire?
Chris
Just taking a little stroll down memory lane. Tonight's the class reunion.
Chris
Of course. There's going to be a big party in the school gymnasium. Elise is eager to meet my old pals.
[takes the "Go Owls" flag away from him] Chris, reunions are for ex-prom queens and aging muscle-heads who want to wallow in their past glories. Not for normal people like us who hated high school.
Chris
That might've been your experience Dan, but I loved it. I was involved in so many activities... I earned dozens of participation ribbons.
Delude yourself if you must, but I endured the same four years you did, and I wouldn't be caught dead commemorating them at some vapid social. [notices that he was not invited] Hey, wait a minute. I was in your high school class. No one sent me an invitation.
Chris
Really? Hmm.
I guess they didn't want me there. B-but why?
Chris
I'm sure it was an oversight.
Oh, don't sugar coat it, Martha Sunshine! I know when I've been snubbed! [yelling] HIGH SCHOOL REUNION!!!!
Dan! How did you get here?
If you thought I couldn't chew my way through duct tape, you don't know me as well as you think.
Chris
What?
That's right, Chris, your wife has joined the conspiracy to stop me from being here.
Ew cooties. Break it up. I need you to create a diversion so I can sneak inside. Chris, do that stupid fight song. You know "rah rah, whoo whoo". The one that makes you look like a complete idiot.
Chris
Dan, if you want to come in, buy a ticket and get a name tag. But then my attack won't be a surprise! You really have no sense of theater. [sees his friends walk by] It's Perry and Rajneesh. From the A.V. club. Hey guys! [runs over to them]
Come in, Dan. No one's looking.
[comes in from the window] I'm glad you can put your personal agenda aside and--- [Elise grabs him and puts him inside the locker] Ow!
Chris is going to make new friends tonight. Friends who call before they come over. Who returns the things they barrow. Friends who aren't wanted by Interpol. [punches the locker and walks away]
[inside the locker] Trapped in a locker? This is just like high school!
[Dan traps Chris in a gym bag dragging him outside]
Chris
[muffling] Oh, I get it. I get it. Is that you, Rajneesh? Are we re-enacting the A.V. Club initiation? Well, bring on the pudding! [Dan takes off Gym Bag] Oh...
I decided to give you one more chance to redeem yourself.
Chris
Dan, for the last time... [Dan opens his car trunk and reveals the owl suit] Ah! It's the owl suit! The one I would've worn if I was elected mascot. Wait a minute. How did you get this?
Dressing up as a mascot is an embarrassment! I was saving you from yourself!
Chris
You're the one who stole it?
I didn't plan to keep this long. But it's surprisingly difficult to unload an owl suit.
Chris
How could you do that to me? You knew that was my dream!
[gets the Owl Mask] If you help me, you get to wear it. In all its feathery glory.
Chris
No, I can't use the mascot in service of evil?
Chris
[yelling, running away] NOOOO!!!
[puts on the mask] Sheesh. Some people are so dramatic.
DDoctor
Well, you're sick.
Guess you were right. I'll have to buy you a drink at Bingo.
DDoctor
Dan, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have a pretty bad case of the common cold. A cold is a viral infection in the upper respiratory tract.
Chris
Are you telling me you've never had a cold before?
I happen to lead a very healthy lifestyle. [sneezes]
DDoctor
Dan, if you want to get over this thing, you must avoid physical exertion.
No problem, I've been avoiding it my whole life.
DDoctor
That means no bingo.
No bingo?! COMMON COLLLLLLLLD!!!! [he coughs]
DDoctor
Well, sorry, there's no cure for the common cold. [walks away]
Chris
Told ya.
What are you talking about?! If modern science can cure a ham, you can cure a common cold.
DDoctor
With all of the life threatening diseases that are yet to be cured, there's isn't the manpower nor the resources to exhaust on such a mild virus.
Oh, I get it. You're lazy. [takes the stethoscope away from the doctor]
DDoctor
Hey! Where are you going with my stethoscope?
To do what you should have done a long time ago. I'm going to cure the common cold! [leaves]
Chris
[gives the doctor his money] For the stethoscope. [leaves]
Chris
Hey, what happened to Giselle?
Let's just say she's going to need another nose job.
Chris
Wow, that really- [sneezes]
Oh, no. Now you've got a- [sneezes]
[satisfied while Elise and Chris stare at him angrily] Don't look at me. I feel great.
I need to renew my license.
HHence
Wow. That's a bad hair day.
I had just woken up in a dumpster in Sacramento. It was a bad day all around.
HHence
I'll need to see some I.D. This is expired.
Hence, the need to renew it.
HHence
I need something current, with your picture, your name, and the date.
Chris
Hey, I've got something. [gives Hence a picture of Dan]
Why do you have my mug shot?
Chris
This one looks so adorable I, just had to keep it.
HHence
[hands Dan a pile of papers] Fill these out, bring them back with the correct documentation. Thank you!
Chris
There's nothing like a great ski trip! Just you, me, the snow and-
Can we get some heat back here?
If I get frost bite, you're buying me new toes.
Chris
Well it was either bring him along or risk him sabotaging the trip.
Obviously. Do you know how it feels to be left behind? And besides, why wouldn't you bring me? I love skiing. [sees a lot of people skiing] Wait...what are these people doing?
Chris
Uh, they're skiing.
THIS is skiing? What's the one where you shoot clay discs with a rifle?
Yeah! That's the one I like! I despise skiing.
Chris
Have you ever tried it?
You know how I feel about trying things.
Chris
Well, I guess we should have known better. Shall we pack it up and go?
Hold on. It's just a one night trip. Dan, you can survive one night. And why don't you make the most of it? Skiing's a lot of fun.
If you want to dress up like an astronaut and get a concussion that's your business, but I didn't take my stupid pills this morning, so if you think-- [cut to him, Chris, and Elise at the ski lift] --that I'm going to strand myself at the top of a mountain with those snow hippies, you are very wrong.
Chris
Well, we're almost to the top, so you may as well give it a shot. [he and Elise leave to ski]
How do you stop this thing? Hurling myself down a mountain at terminal velocity goes against every natural instinct in my body. And that guy's.
Chris
It's easy. If you want to go forward, just make your skis look like french fries. See? And if you want to stop, you just make your skis look like pizza.
Is there anything that doesn't remind you of food?
Chris
Speaking of which, I've already worked up a bit of an appetite. I wonder if you can tell if the snack bar is open from up here.
Uh, Chris? Chris? [goes down skiing]
Chris
Yeah?
Where's the emergency brake on this thing?
LGLittle Girl
Mommy, mommy take my picture! Take my-- [gets caught with Dan] Mommy!!!
Man, this place is a death tra-AAH! SKIIII TRRRIIIPPP!!! [falls down and lands in the snow] Ow ow ow!
MMan
Which one of you is Dan?
Who wants to know?! The trilateral commission? Freemasons? [gets a paper about jury duty thrown on his face]
MMan
L.A. Superior Court, buddy. You've been served.
MMan
We tried to notify you by mail, but you never responded.
I don't open mail from the government. That's what they want you to do.
MMan
We'll see you in court. [walks away]
But my friends and I need to drive around until we find the aliens that abducted me! We have to make them pay for what they did! Whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't pleasant.
MMan
You show up for jury duty, or you go to jail. Your choice.
Dan has to perform his civic duty!
Chris
Don't worry Dan. Elise and I will drive you.
MMan
Elise? You're Elise?
DEDan and Elise
[yelling] JURY DUTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Your honor, I am also in the process of giving birth. And I'm also emotionally fragile, having been recently abducted by aliens. [cut to Dan being locked in a hamster cage] Alternate juror? That's even worse! I still have to be here, but I can't send anyone to prison!
CCrunch
I'm just happy to be of service to my community. By the way, that's Olaf. He doesn't speak any English.
Then how do you know what his name is?
CCrunch
Oh I'm like, totally fluent in Danish. Anyway, Olaf isn't even a juror. He wandered in by mistake when he was looking for the bathroom.
I'm tunneling out. [he digs down under the cage until he gets hit at the bottom]
CCrunch
Don't go yet, bro-face. They're supposed to give us food pellets in like an hour.
[pops up] Useless! Under the layer of newspaper there's just more bars.
JJudge
Has the jury selected a foreman?
We have, your honor. It's me.
Chris
[cheers] Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
[Elise sighs]
[whisper-yelling] CHRIS! Hey, Chris! You've got to bust me out of here.
Chris
I'm not "busting you out" of jury duty.
Just go to my apartment, all right?! In my closet, you'll find a a plastic gun, a block of thermite, a wig, makeup, petroleum jelly-
Chris
But sadly, no clean clothes.
JJudge
[clank clank] Are you trying to influence one of my jurors, or just disturbing the proceedings?
Chris
Uh, the second one? [gets kicked out of the court] I'll just wait out here, then.
Where did all these farmers' markets come from, anyway? And what are all those things they're selling?
Chris
They're called vegetables, Dan. You should try them sometime.
What about me makes you think I'd have any interest in eating vegetables!
Chris
They have fruit, too.
If I want something sweet, I'll have candy. Like an adult.
Chris
Look, you can't live on just hamburgers and turkey sandwiches, Dan. It's not healthy.
I'll have you know my grandfather lived to be a hundred and 8.
Chris
Oh? Did he eat only meat and bread, as well?
No, but he MINDED HIS OWN BUSINESS! [he realizes that Burgerphile serves broccoli instead of fries] What on God's green earth is that thing? You stay back, deviant! Get away from me!
Chris
Oh, right! I read about this. In an effort to be more healthy, this month they're replacing the french fries with a different vegetable every week. This week's broccoli-palooza.
Come on, we're going to another Burgerphile.
Chris
Uh, no, it's ALL Burgerphiles. Everywhere. [Dan knocks down a plate of broccoli and heads out]
Chris
Dan, that is not okay.
VEGETABLLLLLLLLLLLES!!!!!!!
This has been so much fun. We really should get hold of devastatingly toxic chemicals more often.
Chris
I am rather enjoying myself. Where to next?
There's one last broccoli farm left in the greater Los Angeles area. We take that out, they'll HAVE to serve fries at Burgerphile again.
Chris
What's Elise doing here?
[both vehicles stop in the middle of road]
Dan! [comes out from the car and confronts him for taking her ID] You are a dead man!
[comes out from the truck] Okay, before you start in on one of your irrational "You-took-my-ID-a and-used-it-to-steal-weapons-grade-def foliants-from-the army," let's take a moment to think about what's really important. Friendship. [Elise punches him] Ow! Jerk!
It's in the truck! Go ahead and take it, I don't need it any more anyway. I only have one more farm to destroy and then I'm done. For now.
I'm taking the defoliant back, too.
But the last broccoli farm!
Let it be a lesson to you. If Chris wasn't involved, I'd have you arrested for high treason!
In that case, I'm glad Chris is involved.
[angrily gets in the truck and sees Chris hiding] And you! You're not hiding!
Chris
First off, let me say I'm sorry. Second, let me say I don't know what I'm apologizing for.
We will talk about it at home.
Chris
Uh, you didn't leave the keys in the car, did you?
Chris
A rookie mistake.
[Dan takes the car and drives away offscreen]
Dan! Get back here! Let's get after him.
Chris
He has the keys to the truck, too.
[Elise steps into the garage to spot Dan and Chris as Batman and Robin Expies, Chris awkwardly crosses his legs, and she bursts into laughter]
Chris
I can explain.
[in hysterics] Actually, you know what? Never mind! I'd rather be surprised when I watch the news! [leaves]
Chris
Great. Now Elise thinks I'm an idiot.
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
