[Dan dresses up as a burglar at Chris and Elise's garage with a grenade]
Come on, lucky hand grenade. Don't fail me now. Whup! [he drops the grenade to the floor]
Chris[comes in to the garage] Hello? Is someone in here? [the lights turn on as he stand on the letter X] Huh. Was this X always that big? Where did all this stuff come from? [he turns the light on and off, as the grenade gets stuck in the machine causing a disaster] Uh Elise? [runs off]
What I wouldn't give for 6 gallons of hummus right now.
Chris
[comes in his and Elise's room] Uh, honey? I don't want to alarm you, but where do we keep the fire extinguisher?
EElise
It's under the--wait, why!?
[Chris and Elise head down to the garage with the fire extinguisher to spray the fire as Dan gets the grenade out of the machine]
Come on, you stupid- [takes the grenade out] Finally! [he leaves but is stopped by Elise and Chris]
Chris
[angrily] Dan!
[the fire truck sirens as the fire fighters are spraying down the garage while Elise's parents stop by to Chris and Elise's house]
EElise
Dan happened. He was setting some kind of trap and burned our garage down.
And Chris, you didn't get shipped anywh-uh. Are you okay?
Chris
I'm fine. Thanks.
EElise
I'm not fine, Chris. I don't care if you have to cut the ray gun in half, you need to settle this now!
Chris
You're right, Elise. The answer's been staring me in the face all along. You won't have to worry about this anymore.
Chris
Dan's house. To end this. [he angrily leaves as Elise's parents are shocked]
Chris
After all I've done for you! [whacks Dan in the face] You burn my house? [whacks Dan] For the last time, you can’t have my toy! [whacks Dan in the face 3 times]
[angrily] IT'S! [grabs his weapon] MY! TOY!!! [throws Chris, Dan presses the shock button, electric plug pops up, he hits the ground and shocks Chris and punches him off the cliff]
Wake up! It's getting good.
[Dan goes to Chris who is holding on the ledge as Elise runs up, Dan tries to finish him off, sees flashbacks from "Barber", "Magician", and "Wolf-Man", flashback ends]
Chris
Last I checked, you were about to send me plummeting to my death.
[drops the weapon off the cliff] You don't get off that easy. Give me your hand. [Chris grabs Dan's hand and he is saved]
Chris
Why didn't you kill me?
I was going to. But then I thought, "Nah, I'm going home". We'll talk about this tomorrow.
[rain stops and sun rises]
[Chris arrives at Dan's apartment and finally gives his Death Ray Gun to Dan]
Chris
Here, Dan. A Death Ray should never come between friends. I want you to have it.
Chris
Yes.
Thanks, Chris. This means a lot. I don't really have anywhere to put it, though. My Dan's box of special memories! You didn't give it away after all.
Chris
Nope. I couldn't bring myself to. Hey, they're doing a 25th anniversary screening of Space Monkeys tonight. You want to go?
You bet, buddy. [Chris closes the door, then he puts his Death Ray Gun in his locker along with the grenade, and then puts his box of special memories under the bed] Ah, there's nothing quite like friendship, is there, Mr. Mumbles? [Mr. Mumbles meows while Dan is in the bathroom] Huh. What's this X doing on the floor? Oh, no. [gets caught by a trap in the bathroom] Oh, come on!
[Dan walks inside Wild Wesley's Family Saloon and Ice Cream Parlor]
LLady
Welcome to Wild Wesley's Family Saloon and Ice Cream Parlor. Y'all want a table or a booth?
Chris
This place looks fun.
Fun? A saloon is supposed to be dangerous. A place where men risk death just to order a drink.
Chris
Ooh! Root beer floats! [Dan drags him out]
AAmber
I know how you're feeling, Dan. We've all been there too.
Oh, sure. Cute girls with PhD's have all the problems.
AAmber
Everyone has anger. Right guys?
BBert
I beat up the Dalai Lama.
AAmber
The trick is learning to control your rage, so it doesn't control you.
Sounds unsatisfying. How about instead, we all go in on a flamethrower? Who's with me?
AAmber
Maybe it's a little early to jump right into group. Let's start with some basic psychological testing.
They're going to put us in a maze and make us find cheese. If we don't do it in time, they zap us with electricity. [leaves]
Chris
[outside] What kind of cheese?
Sup? SUP! [talking to the mummy] You broke into my apartment, messed with my Mr. Mumbles and stole my personal toiletries, that's what's up! Get him, Chris!
Chris
Why me?
Because you're the Chris.
MMummy
Look, I don't want any trouble.
Do I have to do everything?
MMummy
Hey, hey, ow, what the heck, bro?
[Dan puts the mummy back in the mummy box and tapes it]
There! Vengence, thy name is Dan.
Chris
Great. Can we go now?
Chris
Why?
Because if I get caught with them, I'll go to jail.
Chris
What are you doing here?
MMummy
I dunno, I just got excavated, you guys seemed cool. I thought we could hang.
Hang! Hang! You stole my toilet paper!
MMummy
Yeah, bro. My bad. Though you can't really blame that on me though, you're the only one in a hundred miles with rolls of Egyptian cotton just laying around. I needed a touch up.
[Dan and Chris arrive to work]
Chris
Chris and Dan, reporting for duty.
BThe Boss
Cute. Okay, here's the deal: People are past due on their magazine subscriptions. You call them and tell them to pay up. Think you monkeys can handle that?
Chris
You bet!
Who are you calling a monkey?! [cut to him at the workplace] Stupid boss Call ME names? [Chris is humming while he's doing his work] Chris, I'm leaving. I can't work for someone who treats me like an idiot. [he reads at his message on the computer] Oh. That's it! [he angrily heads to his boss' office]
BThe Boss
Aw, office monkey look upset. Office monkey want a banana?
No, office monkey want- Now, stop that! Just give me my $18 and I'll be on my way.
BThe Boss
$18? You make $9 an hour, and you've been here for 5 minutes.
BThe Boss
You leave now, I'll make sure you never get another temp job. Which means you're getting evicted, Dan.
BThe Boss
Look, I am in the middle of nothing, actually. But that's still more interesting than talking to you. Get out of my office.
[angrily heads out of his boss' office, throws papers over the air as Chris is filing them, picks up a trash can and drops the papers on the floor, and goes outside yelling] BOSS!!!
Dan's log, 1:03:27 of my imprisonment I have escaped my cell, and am now gathering intelligence. [narrating] First, I have discovered that one can spend great amounts of time in the restroom without arousing suspicion. Though unfortunately, there are limited time-killing activities to be had there. Perhaps not surprisingly, the longer I stay in the bathroom, the less likely anyone is to ask "why" upon my return. So far, my best camouflage has been simply sitting at my desk, staring at the computer screen.
BThe Boss
That's what I like to see. Work smarter, not harder.
[narrating] Though it's very easy to lose consciousness. [puts his head down and screams] Finally, crude weapons can be forged from the materials at hand and it does provide some passing amusement to use my fellow office drones for target practice. [whispers] Hey! [aims the rubber band ball at the worker] However, those that share my dismal situation are the enemy. There is one enemy, and she is-
BThe Boss
[pops up behind Dan] Right behind you.
BThe Boss
Get back to your desk!
[pops up at Chris' work area] I'm going over the wall.
Chris
Wha-what? What wall?
Catch me! [he falls down on Chris as the computer unplugs]
Chris
[feeling his stomach] Can't breathe!
I'll send you a postcard from freedomville! [crawls away]
Chris
Ow! Hey!
[when Dan is trying to find a way to escape, he finds The Boss standing in front of him]
BThe Boss
Can you explain why I found these in the trash can? [drops the files on the floor]
Yes, I can. I threw them away because I didn't feel like filing them. [The Boss steps on his hand] Ow!
BThe Boss
I really should get rid of you, but some part of me enjoys watching you suffer here.
BThe Boss
So I'm going to give you one more chance.
[Dan is on the phone having a split screen chat with a dumb costumer]
Hello, sir. You are past due on your payment for "Rat Fancy" magazine.
DCDumb Customer
So what? I ain't payin'. You go ahead and cancel my prescription.
Yes sir, but we still need to collect payment on the issues you've received.
DCDumb Customer
Nuh-uh. I said CANCEL MY PRESCRIPTION, you idiot!
DCDumb Customer
Don't you correctify me! [hangs up]
[Dan press the redial button, and talks to the dumb costumer again]
Listen up, brain trust. I have your address. Do you understand what that means? I know where you live. Where you sleep. [yelling] AND I WILL FIND YOU, YOU MOUTH BREATHER, AND WHEN I DO, I WILL RAM MY FIST... DOWN YOUR INCOMPREHENSIBLY STUPID... THROAT!
Chris
Dan!!
[still yelling] I WILL GRAB YOUR LARGE INTESTINES... RIP THEM OUT OF YOUR BODY, AND I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM! [he realizes that everyone is starting at him and The Boss is standing behind him] Ah, personal call.
Chris
[answer his phone]Aw, nice.
Hi, gorgeous. What do you want to do for dinner tonight?
Chris
Ah, the eternal question. I was thinking
[interrupts Chris' call] Ahem.
Chris
Oh, hi Dan. It's Elise.
Hey! The rules about personal calls are clearly spelled out in the employee handbook. You can have your phone back at the end of the day.
Chris
[takes Chris' phone away from him] But--
If you can't be trusted to work in your cubicle. [walks with Chris to the file cabinet] A comes first, then B. Just like the song. Think you can figure it out?
Chris
Jerk.
Chris
Good!
[after The Boss was defeated] Quitting time. [he and Chris leave the workplace] On the bright side, looks like we can sleep in tomorrow.
Chris
Hey, thanks for not sacrificing me to your demon overlord.
No problem, buddy. I just wonder how I'm going to make rent this month.
Chris
You know, Dan, I think I can spot you. It's the least I can do.
It really is. [he and Chris drive home while the workplace is caught on fire as the episode ends]
[yelling] YOU DID THIS, YOU SWINDLER!!
MMMechianic Mike
I was trying to tell you something like this could happen. Now if we can calm down and discuss this like rational adults.
[yelling] I WILL DROWN YOU IN BARBECUE SAUCE AND HAVE CHRIS EAT YOUR BODY!!
Chris
You shouldn't just automatically assume I'd be up for that!
You are so selfish! There's no "I" in "friend," Chris.
Hey, you want me to fix your car or what?
Absolutely not! Since it appears my friend has developed a sudden aversion to cannibalism...
Chris
It's not "sudden"!
Then I will simply have to take my business elsewhere!
You know anyone else will charge you twice what I do.
[yells] BLOCKED AT EVERY TURN!
Chris
Maybe we can take it to the dealer?
The closest one's in Manila.
And it closed twelve years ago.
Chris
Oh. Can you even fix this?
Sure, but it's not going to be cheap. The thromdibulator's shot, and I can see from here it took the Oscillation Overthruster with it. You see?
Well, sure. Any child could see it's the thromdibulator.
[opens the garage] What are you guys doing in my shop?
When I said "hide," TWICE, how could I have made that more clear?
Don't you play the victim with me! We can go back and forth all night about who set who's dog free!
But I know you've been replacing my engine with junk!
You got me. All right, Dan. After this weekend, I'll fix your car up the right way.
[furious] You fix it now!
I can't order the parts until some money comes in. Which happens this weekend. Now please leave me alone.
[picks up cake mixer out of the inside hood of the car] I'm taking this cake mixer.
Chris
If you find your dog, I would like my wallet back.
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
