Dan quotes from Dan Vs.

Dan

Did you know, the actual story of Thanksgiving is a bit darker than what they teach in school. For instance-

Enough! Everyone just go to sleep. Anyone still awake in 5 minutes gets a smothering.

Don.

The foot is down. [turns off the light]

Dan

Hey guys, you know what I'm thankful for? Friendship.

Shut up, Dan.

Dan

Now you can't believe everything in this book Mr. Mumbles. Mrs. Claus is still very bitter about the divorce.

Chris

Yuletide greetings, Dan.

Dan

And to you, fine sir. Hey, give me some money.

Chris

Nope.

Dan

Oh, come on! I'm destitute, and I need to buy a Christmas present for- you know who.

Chris

Aw, that's-Hey wait, you never get me anything.

Dan

That's not true! Remember last year?

Chris

Oh, you mean when you borrowed fifty bucks from me and then gave me a $25 gift card?

Dan

Hey, buddy, you're worth it.

Chris

And then you never paid me back.

Dan

We're going in circles! Listen, I need you to help me help me.

Chris

Uh, well, I'm on my way to the mall. They're hiring seasonal employees for Christmas Crossing. You should come.

Dan

Don't be stupid. I don't need a job. I need money.

Resumes, please.

Dan

I demand the role of Santa. To prepare, I spent last night in a chimney.

Ooh. I've already got my Santa. But I do have a couple of jobs I think you gentlemen would be perfect for.

5 minutes, everyone! Magic time!

Dan

This is beneath me.

Chris

At least you don't have to spend all day in a giant snow globe. [he wears his snowman outfit and goes inside the snowglobe]

Ho, ho.

Dan

Who gives a crap? Watch it! And what kind of language is that? Santa's supposed to be jolly and kind, you jerk.

Get out of my face. I'm working a minimum wage job for a holiday I don't even celebrate.

Dan

How can you not celebrate Christmas? You're Santa!

I'm confused. I know you're not a child because you have facial hair. But it sounds like you actually believe in Santa Claus.

Dan

Of course I do! Read your Bible!

Listen to me, you unshaven little elf, if you ever-

What's going on here? Why aren't you two working? I was trying to-

Supervisor Darla, this poor little elf is having some trouble getting into the Christmas spirit.

Dan

Get your filthy hands off me, you fat-

[stops Dan from attacking Santa Claus] Whoa whoa whoa now. That is no way for an elf to speak to Jolly St. Nick. You better straighten up and fly right mister, or I'll find someone else to fill those pointy shoes!

[pats Dan's head] Ho ho ho, ugly. [he pushes Dan down the path until he lands on the floor]

Dan

MALL SANTA!!!

Ho, ho, ho!

Dan

[angrily walks up to Mall Santa] I hope you asked for pain this Christmas, because I'm going to-

Going to what? Please, tell Santa, and this innocent, sickly child who loves Christmas more than life itself, what you're going to do.

Dan

I'm going to- Walk the reindeer.

That was one of Santa's magical helper elves! I call him "Stinky".

Bye, Stinky!

Chris

[takes off his snowman head] Could you not tap on the glass? Sound gets magnified like crazy in there. I have a massive headache already.

Dan

Sure, just help me get rid of the Mall Santa.

Chris

Dan, can't you just let it go for once? It's Christmas.

Dan

That's exactly my point! This man is a representative of Santa. A diplomat, if you will. And, get this, the guy doesn't even believe in Christmas!

Chris

That can't be right. He's Santa!

Dan

Now, we can't act until his lunch break, so the kids don't see, but I have a plan that involves licking a candy cane down to a razor-sharp point and then stabbing him in his bowl full of jelly!

Chris

Okay. Even if I were willing to help you commit assault with a deadly holiday candy, I can't lose this job. I have to buy Christmas presents. And so do you. Remember Mr. Mumbles?

Dan

Mr. Mumbles will understand! I'm defending the good name of Santa here!

What are you two doing? Breaks every 6 hours, not in between. Back to the happiness mines, people!

Chris

Sorry, Dan, can't help you.

Oh. Cheer up, and that's an order! If you can't be happy, I'll find an elf who can!

That's right, little fellow! Ho, ho, ho!

Dan

This isn't over.

Ho, ho, ho! [sneezes at Dan's lunch] Oh, excuse me, Stinky.

Dan

There will be nothing left but a scrap of red felt and a smoking pair of extra wide boots.

Chris

This is so humiliating. They could replace me with a Styrofoam snowman and no one would notice. Hey, don't tell Elise what I'm doing, okay? I don't want her to think less of me.

Dan

Don't worry. There's no way she could possibly think less of you. But you might want to put your snowman head back on.

Chris

Did she see me?

Dan

I don't think so.

Chris

Perfect! Maybe I can follow her and find out what she's getting me for Christmas.

Dan

Chris, that is not in the Christmas spirit! Now come and help me annihilate Santa!

Dan

Hurry up, you lout! We're on in 2 minutes!

Who wants a noogie?

Dan

Get off of me, you oaf!

Why are you hitting your elf? Why are you hitting your elf?

Dan

Stop it! [kicks the Mall Santa's stomach]

Hey, good kick. Guess you've been trained in "Elf Defense".

Dan

What's that smell? Nutmeg?

Uh, no.

Dan

You, sir, reek of eggnog! You are a disgrace to the uniform! I demand you resign your post and leave at once, taking nothing with you from the office.

Don't yell at me, little man! I outrank you!

Dan

You leave me no choice! [he tries to hit the Mall Santa with a candy cane but fails]

Were you trying to hurt Santa? [he hits Dan with a candy cane]

I'm pretty sure he started it.

Dan

[angrily] PERJURY! He was

Quiet! If this had happened in front of the children, none of you would work as seasonal holiday employees ever again. I am very disappointed in all of you.

Chris

Uh, ma'am? I wasn't involved.

YOU were a full minute late coming back from lunch! You're the worst of the lot.

Dan

You really are.

Now back to work. And no more trouble, or they won't find your bodies until the fake snow melts.

I've got something to do. Can you two get along for 20 minutes? If not, I can fire you.

Hey Stinky, you're not on break.

Dan

Mind your business.

Chris

He's not so bad, you know. He just takes Christmas very seriously.

I hate Christmas.

Chris

I don't see how you can hate Christmas, you're Santa!

It's a long story... When I was a kid, Santa never got me the Sergent Sascatchawand action figure I wanted.

Chris

That wasn't a long story. And it seems like you've made an odd career choice.

This isn't my career. It's just something I do until my interpretive dance starts getting the recognition it deserves.

Chris

Oh.

Shouldn't you be in your fishbowl?

Chris

Probably.

Dan

Hey! Let me- Elise?

Elise

Who's the snowman?!

Dan

Where did you come from? I didn't even see you.

Elise

Who is in the snowman costume?! Tell me!

Dan

I don't know, okay? It's just some guy. Some guy I don't know.

Elise

What are you doing?

Dan

[laughs] Oh, it's gonna be awesome. See, the Mall Santa

Elise

I don't care. Never mind.

Okay, closing time! Good merriness today, people! Except for you, Snowman. You were phoning it in. Get out of my snow globe.

Chris

[gets out of his snowman outfit] Oh thank goodness. It smells like feet in there.

Dan

Hey, Mall Santa, I was thinking Maybe we should bury the hatchet.

I don't know, I kind of like the hatchet where it is.

Dan

Oh, come on. Hey, want to see something cool?

Okay.

Dan

Check out the gingerbread house.

Yeah, it's great.

Dan

No, no. Look closer. Go on. There's eggnog over there.

What are you two doing?

Stinky wants me to look at the gingerbread house.

Why? Is something wrong with it?

Dan

No! Wait! [she steps on Dan's trap as candy canes would attaack her]

You're fired.

Dan

I can't believe I got fired! What happened to "Peace on Earth and good will towards- Whatever.

Chris

You almost killed our boss.

Dan

Since when is that grounds for dismissal?! And I think "killed" is an overstatement. The odds of one of those candy cane spikes penetrating deep enough to hit a vital organ is like a million to one.

Chris

Yeah, she really overreacted.

Dan

All I wanted to do was buy a present for Mr. Mumbles. That's all. And maybe give the Mall Santa blood poisoning stemming from extreme peppermint exposure. Is that so wrong?

Chris

The first part sounded okay. Look, Dan, I think we can get your job back. But you need to decide what's more important: buying a present for Mr. Mumbles, who loves you unconditionally, or exacting petty revenge on the Mall Santa.

Dan

Mmm, I'm leaning "Mall Santa."

Chris

Dan! Fine, fine.

Dan

Mr. Mumbles.

Chris

There's the Christmas spirit!

Dan

Shut up.

Chris

Let me help you with that.

Whew. Thanks.

Chris

No problem. Moving in?:

That's right, yeah- just got here from Iowa. I'm Jennifer, this is Jason.

Chris

Chris.

Nice to meet you.

Dan

[opens the door as he whispers] Chris! Chris! Don't talk to them! They're evil! Eeeevillll!

Chris

Have you met Dan?

Not officially, no. Hi, there! I'm-

Chris

Well, good luck living next to Dan. And I really mean that.

Dan

What do you think you were doing?

Chris

I think I was meeting your neighbors, who seem very nice.

Dan

You are so stupid.

Chris

You know I really enjoy these little talks of ours, Dan.

Dan

Can't you see they're up to something?

Chris

Up to something? B-Because-

Dan

They're always smiling. And, they insist on saying "Hello" every single time I see them!

Chris

Well, I hope you've notified the police.

Dan

[angry and flustered] I'll notify them that missing person when your body turns up in-

Chris

Let's go. The movie starts soon.

Dan

Okay, the coast is clear. Now here's how we roll: Head down, eyes front. Make a beeline for the car. Go! Go! Go! Ahh!

[opens the door] Dan, right? You play basketball? I was thinking about-

Dan

Basketball is for communists.

Uh, tennis then?

We baked this pie for you. It's banana cream.

You know, Jennifer also makes the world's best meat pie, if you're interested.

It helps that Jason's a butcher.

Chris

Dan!

Dan

What? It slipped. Besides, I can't eat dairy.

Oh. Ok. Well. I guess we'll see you soon neighbor.

Dan

My car! Look at what they did!

Chris

Dan, you were the one who-

Dan

NEIGHBORS!!!

Hey there, Dan.

Dan

You leave me alone! I spent all day rolling around in noxious chemicals, so I'd taste terrible!

Uh. Okay. I came over here because my wife saw a prowler outside the window today.

Dan

So? What makes you think I had anything to do with that? You can't come over here and accuse me, I have lawyers!

I was actually letting you know that we're having security bars installed on our windows.

Dan

Noted. Goodbye!

They're running a 2-for-1 special at the security store, so we'll be having them installed on our windows, too! [Dan slams the door and hears him from outside] No thanks necessary!

Dan

Chris! Get over here-

Chris

[answering machine] I'm not in right now, so leave a message.

Dan

Where are you?! We were supposed to be watching a marathon of Pay Cable Prison Drama! Mr. Mumbles and I can't wait anymore, especially since my TV has been hijacked by this dancing nonsense! 'Do you know what a cellie would do if you punked him like this? A shanking, sir! Now you dance your way over- [machine beeps] You're beeping me? Nobody beeps me! You stay here, Mr. Mumbles. I'm going to go hit Chris where he lives, HIS HOUSE. [sees Crunch dancing outside of the apartment] What are you doing here, you moron?

One man flash mob, bra.

Dan

[walks up to him] A mob implies a group. You are but along dumdum. [Crunch goes up on Dan's car] Hey! Get off my car! You'd better run!

[runs off] Alright!

Dan

What is going on with all this dancing malarky? [drives to Chris and Elise's house and sees them dancing from their window] Chris too? [opens the door] What are you doing?

Chris

Dancing! [Dan breaks the vase] Dan!

Elise

We're practicing for Swing til the Spring, an endurance spring dance contest. You are not invited. Get out of our house.

Chris

Hey!

Dan

DANCING!

Chris

Promise me you won't make a scene. [Dan yells and hits himself to the bank window] Did your head make that sound?

That's supposed to be bulletproof.

Dan

[as the security guard is grabbing him] Let me go!

Chris

Wait, why did they throw me out?

Dan

BAAAAANNNNKKK!!!

Chris

You have to calm down.

Dan

[angrily] I'LL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!

Chris

Dan, that's disgusting! And impractical!

Dan

Oh, you have a better idea?

Chris

How about NOT eating their children!

Dan

You have no vision. That vexes me! But not as much as being out 50 cents. OH! We're gonna rob the bank.

Chris

That... is one of the worst ideas you've ever had, and you've had some doozies!

Dan

Name one! And don't say the jetpack, because that's gonna be awesome. [goes inside the car]

Chris

You are aware that they intentionally make banks very difficult places to steal from?

Dan

Which is why we'll discuss it over lunch, kick some ideas around, and then we'll come back and ROB the place!

Chris

Dan, listen to me: I'm not going to rob a bank with you!

Dan

Don't be so stubborn! Hey, what kind of mask do you wanna wear? And bear in mind if you don't choose, I'll choose one for you.

Chris

I made a promise to myself, and to Elise, that I wouldn't let you--

Dan

Bring a sense of purpose to your meaningless life? Let's go.