DanChris! Quit acting suspicious!
I'm not! And quit using my name!
Dan
Don't follow so close!
I think we should leave now.
Dan
That's it! Pens!
Dan
We steal their pens. I sell them for 50 cents, and everything's as it should be.
Dan
But nothing! Be cool. Ready?
Dan, wait. That pen has a-
Dan
Now! Run for it! [he runs off but his pants rip off of him]
Dan
Hey! Where are my pants?! Oof! Get off me! [the security guard catches him]
Oh no. [the security guard catches him]
Dan
Pants thieves!
Dan
I think that went pretty well.
I do not appreciate being used as a human shield!
Dan
But you were born for it. You're so meaty!
I have been against this plan from day 1!
Dan
Don't be one of those sad clowns, Chris. Nobody likes those guys. Be a fun clown!
What are we going to do? I don't want to go to prison!
Dan
Well, you should have thought of that before breaking into a bank.
Dan
Let's not go blaming others- [Chris tackles him and he laughs] Your nose just- [Chris punches him] Ow! You know something? You're not invited on my next bank heist!
Dan
Now help me think of some demands to keep the cops busy. [picks up the phone] Hello, police? It's me. First off, I would like a baby tiger, some chestnuts, a rocket launcher.
Dan
[wakes up while he's sleeping as he hears a loud noise] Huh? Wha? Was that you, Mr. Mumbles? I need to stop feeding you tacos before bed. [Mr. Mumbles meows] Yes, I know you like them, but [raises a candy cane and hits it to the wall] KEEP IT DOWN, YOU JERKS! [feels something under his bed] Whoa! What was that? IS MY BED ON FIRE?! [sees something evil under his bed] Huh. Hey! I was going to eat that! Ah! Mr. Mumbles, we have a problem. Evacuation plan 14! Not 12! 14! [Mr. Mumbles hops over to Dan Good kitty. Now for my clothes. [a monster takes Dan's clothes away from him] Clothing's overrated anyway. Vamonos! [leaves his apartment] Hey! Whuuh!!! [gets scared by the monster and runs away]
LGLittle Girl
Mommy, there's a naked man outside!
Dan
Again! Call the police, there's a monster under my bed!
LGLittle Girl
[teases Dan] Baby. [giggles]
Dan
MONSTER UNDER THE BED!
Dan
[screams outside as Elise and Chris hear him from outside] Whoa! Hey! Was that trap meant for me!? Elise, how could you? I almost- [screams again when he gets caught in a mousetrap] stupid, no good, reckless, trap setting!
[finds Dan outside] Hey, Dan What's new? Chris! How do I get out of this thing?
Dan
How do I get out of this thing?
You could try gnawing your own leg off.
Dan
You think this is funny?!
Elise calls it her "DAN TRAP.
Dan
Just get me out of here! And when's the last time someone mowed your grass? This is just slovenly.
You took our lawnmower apart to build a jet pack, remember?
Dan
And, It would have worked if you didn't have such a crappy lawnmower. Come with me.
Do you know what time it is?
Dan
I don't care what time it is! I need help. There is a monster under my bed! I know how it sounds! Do you? Because you said it anyway. Listen to me very carefully: I hate you. Also, THERE IS A MONSTER UNDER MY BED!
I promised Elise we'd have a Spa Week. Sort of a "stay-cation.
Dan
First off, that's not a real thing. Second, there's no time for your foolishness. I have just been ejected from my own domicile!
By a monster. Under your bed.
Dan
Don't say it like that!
After you ruined our last vacation by getting us deported-
Dan
There's nothing to see in Rome!
I owe Elise a real, "Dan free" week of relaxation and fun. For once.
Dan
Then we had better settle this whole "monster" thing as quickly as possible, hadn't we?
[sighs] I'll get my keys.
Dan
Wait! Bring me some pants.
[Dan and Chris arrive at Dan's apartment late at night while Dan is dressed up in Chris' outfit]
LGLittle Girl
[teases Dan and Chris] Baby.
Dan
Don't you have parents? Do you see it?
The monster? No, but I can't see under your bed from here Plus, it's a figment of your imagination.
Dan
[opens the door but realizes that he is missing his keys] I left my keys inside.
Dan
Of course. [takes Chris' sandal off of Chris' foot]
What are you doing? Let go!
Dan
[gets the key out of Chris' sandal] Yuck. Wash your feet.
That's not okay, you know.
Dan
[as he and Chris enter his apartment] Stay in front of me. If this thing eats one of us, I want it to be you. Well?
I'm sure it was a very scary dream, Dan.
Dan
It wasn't a dream! It was right here!
Well, I'd check the closet, but I don't think there's room for a monster, what with all the garbage and everything.
Dan
It's not garbage until I throw it out!
I'm going home. [walks away]
Dan
Coward! Wait! Can we stay with you?
For how long? Until your imaginary monster leaves?
Dan
What are we suppose to do? Sleep in the car?
There's no monster under your bed, Dan. [leaves]
Dan
Is so!
Dan
[runs to Chris and Elise's house] The monster's back! It thwacked me in the noggin! Come quick! Bring shotguns!
Did you run here again? You're covered in sweat.
Dan
The monster is back and I have physical proof! Look at my forehead!
Well, that is odd. Don't know if it's proof of monsters.
Dan
It did this with its tentacles! Would you please help me kill it now!?
If we don't help him, he's just going to keep coming over here in the middle of the night.
Dan
With my brand new air horn. [he blows his air horn loud and Elise throws it away from him]
[Dan, Chris, and Elise are at Dan's apartment looking for the monster]
Dan
Whatever the circumstances, it's nice to have both of you for a visit.
This isn't a visit, Dan. You won't let us sleep. That's coercion.
Dan
You say "tomato". Why is it so hard to get you guys to come over?
Because it's 2 in the morning.
Dan
So? Are we only friends during business hours? I visit you no matter what time it is. That's just good manners.
[while looking under the bed] There's nothing down here.
Dan
Keep looking!
I don't know why you think Elise will be able to find a monster under your bed when clearly the whole thing is a product of your overburdened psyche.
Uh. Maybe not. [picks up a green thing with a tweezer]
Dan
Ha! A green thing! Overburdened psyche, indeed.
It's a scale, I think. But it's not from any reptile species I've ever seen.
Dan
See this, Chris? This is me not gloating.
IWe can't be sure until I run some tests at the lab, but I think you might owe Dan an apology.
I'll wait until the tests come back.
[drives Dan home while Dan yawns] Dan, you should really listen to Elise. Agsagoth is no joke.
Dan
Uh-huh.
First, he marks his victim with his tentacle. That's already happened.
Dan
What, this? This is just a bruise.
Then, he softens you up with extreme physical pain, and then the mark changes to his runic symbol.
Dan
Okay, when that happens, I'll worry.
[he and Dan arrive in front of Dan's apartment] No, when that happens, Agsagoth will appear and devour you.
Dan
[opens the door] Look, your concern is appreciated, but I have the situation under control.
[a monster throws a figure out of Dan's apartment, Dan and Chris find a figure outside as they find the real monster in Dan's apartment much to their shock]
Dan
[closes his apartment as a monster roars] I think we should run.
That was close. [he and Dan run off]
LGLittle Girl
[teases Dan again as Dan runs off] Baby.
[Dan angrily screams in front of the little girl's face which causes her to cry]
[Dan and Chris are in the car]
Dan
Monsters. They live under your bed, but they never kick in for the rent.
Are you ready to listen to me now? That creature was identical to the one in the book.
Dan
I'll admit, there was some passing resemblance.
If you don't get rid of that thing, it's going to devour you.
Dan
I just don't understand why he started terrorizing me. What did I ever do to Agsagoth?
[stops the car and shows Dan a page of the book] Does this look familiar?
Dan
No. Should it? [he and Chris both get out of the car]
This is the scratch you put in our car last week.
Dan
Allegedly.
Not allegedly, Dan. Actually. The scratch is identical to the Ancient Sumerian symbol. It must have caught the attention of Agsagoth the Devourer.
Dan
So? Fix it.
Dan! If you have read the book, you'd know it needs to be you that fixes the scratch, since you put it there.
Dan
Allegedly!
You called this creature here, and now it's marked you. Have you forgotten the next steps?
Dan
Physical agony, the mark changes, the beast eats me, blah, blah, blah.
So, do you want to get rid of the monster or not?
Dan
Of course I do! But I don't see how a scratch on YOUR car- [Dan's stomach growls] Ohh! My guts!
It's the second step! Let me see your forehead!
Dan
Let go, lummax.
Dan
How am I suppose to look at my own forehead, you jerk! [Chris lifts him and puts him in the car]
Dan
[sees his scratch in the mirror] Oh, come on!
[at the end, Chris and Elise are relaxing at the spa]
Aahh.. Dan should just about be reading my letter by now.
He's going to be really mad.
He's got to start listening to me. Every once in a while, anyway.
I'm really proud of you for standing up to Dan, however indirectly.
Yeah, I'm not really good at direct confrontation. Besides, all's well that ends well.
Dan
[angrily yelling as the episode ends] CHRIS!!!
Dan
Why are you wasting time at a stupid golf place? Mr. Mumbles' birthday party is 48 hours away and we don't even have a theme!
I'm not wasting time, I'm playing golf. It's my new hobby!
Dan
For the last time, your hobby is being my sidekick!
[comes by] Hey C-man - is this vagrant bothering you?
Uh, no sir. Dan, this is my boss, Mr. Bainbridge. Mr. Bainbridge, this is my impertinent friend, Dan.
Son, that is not why it's called a driving range. [chuckles]
Dan
Chris, I am going to count to 3. 1, [a golf ball smashes Dan's car windshield] WHO DID THAT?! I want a name! [he gets hit by a golf ball] GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLF!!!
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
