Now you can't believe everything in this book Mr. Mumbles. Mrs. Claus is still very bitter about the divorce.
And to you, fine sir. Hey, give me some money.
Oh, come on! I'm destitute, and I need to buy a Christmas present for- you know who.
Aw, that's-Hey wait, you never get me anything.
That's not true! Remember last year?
Oh, you mean when you borrowed fifty bucks from me and then gave me a $25 gift card?
Hey, buddy, you're worth it.
And then you never paid me back.
We're going in circles! Listen, I need you to help me help me.
Uh, well, I'm on my way to the mall. They're hiring seasonal employees for Christmas Crossing. You should come.
Don't be stupid. I don't need a job. I need money.
[Dan and Chris are having their interviews for their seasonal job]
[Dan and Chris give the interviewer their resumes]
I demand the role of Santa. To prepare, I spent last night in a chimney.
Ooh. I've already got my Santa. But I do have a couple of jobs I think you gentlemen would be perfect for.
[Dan is dressed up as an elf]
5 minutes, everyone! Magic time!
At least you don't have to spend all day in a giant snow globe. [he wears his snowman outfit and goes inside the snowglobe]
Who gives a crap? Watch it! And what kind of language is that? Santa's supposed to be jolly and kind, you jerk.
Get out of my face. I'm working a minimum wage job for a holiday I don't even celebrate.
How can you not celebrate Christmas? You're Santa!
I'm confused. I know you're not a child because you have facial hair. But it sounds like you actually believe in Santa Claus.
Of course I do! Read your Bible!
Listen to me, you unshaven little elf, if you ever-
What's going on here? Why aren't you two working? I was trying to-
Supervisor Darla, this poor little elf is having some trouble getting into the Christmas spirit.
Get your filthy hands off me, you fat-
[stops Dan from attacking Santa Claus] Whoa whoa whoa now. That is no way for an elf to speak to Jolly St. Nick. You better straighten up and fly right mister, or I'll find someone else to fill those pointy shoes!
[pats Dan's head] Ho ho ho, ugly. [he pushes Dan down the path until he lands on the floor]
[angrily walks up to Mall Santa] I hope you asked for pain this Christmas, because I'm going to-
Going to what? Please, tell Santa, and this innocent, sickly child who loves Christmas more than life itself, what you're going to do.
I'm going to- Walk the reindeer.
That was one of Santa's magical helper elves! I call him "Stinky".
[Dan taps on the glass]
[takes off his snowman head] Could you not tap on the glass? Sound gets magnified like crazy in there. I have a massive headache already.
Sure, just help me get rid of the Mall Santa.
Dan, can't you just let it go for once? It's Christmas.
That's exactly my point! This man is a representative of Santa. A diplomat, if you will. And, get this, the guy doesn't even believe in Christmas!
That can't be right. He's Santa!
Now, we can't act until his lunch break, so the kids don't see, but I have a plan that involves licking a candy cane down to a razor-sharp point and then stabbing him in his bowl full of jelly!
Okay. Even if I were willing to help you commit assault with a deadly holiday candy, I can't lose this job. I have to buy Christmas presents. And so do you. Remember Mr. Mumbles?
Mr. Mumbles will understand! I'm defending the good name of Santa here!
What are you two doing? Breaks every 6 hours, not in between. Back to the happiness mines, people!
Sorry, Dan, can't help you.
Oh. Cheer up, and that's an order! If you can't be happy, I'll find an elf who can!
That's right, little fellow! Ho, ho, ho!
[Dan and Chris are having a lunch break while the Mall Santa]
Ho, ho, ho! [sneezes at Dan's lunch] Oh, excuse me, Stinky.
There will be nothing left but a scrap of red felt and a smoking pair of extra wide boots.
This is so humiliating. They could replace me with a Styrofoam snowman and no one would notice. Hey, don't tell Elise what I'm doing, okay? I don't want her to think less of me.
Don't worry. There's no way she could possibly think less of you. But you might want to put your snowman head back on.
Perfect! Maybe I can follow her and find out what she's getting me for Christmas.
Chris, that is not in the Christmas spirit! Now come and help me annihilate Santa!
Hurry up, you lout! We're on in 2 minutes!
Why are you hitting your elf? Why are you hitting your elf?
Stop it! [kicks the Mall Santa's stomach]
Hey, good kick. Guess you've been trained in "Elf Defense".
What's that smell? Nutmeg?
You, sir, reek of eggnog! You are a disgrace to the uniform! I demand you resign your post and leave at once, taking nothing with you from the office.
Don't yell at me, little man! I outrank you!
You leave me no choice! [he tries to hit the Mall Santa with a candy cane but fails]
Were you trying to hurt Santa? [he hits Dan with a candy cane]
I'm pretty sure he started it.
[angrily] PERJURY! He was
Quiet! If this had happened in front of the children, none of you would work as seasonal holiday employees ever again. I am very disappointed in all of you.
Uh, ma'am? I wasn't involved.
YOU were a full minute late coming back from lunch! You're the worst of the lot.
Now back to work. And no more trouble, or they won't find your bodies until the fake snow melts.
I've got something to do. Can you two get along for 20 minutes? If not, I can fire you.
[Dan runs up to pick up the bag from the present while the Mall Santa gets his sandwich out]
Hey Stinky, you're not on break.
He's not so bad, you know. He just takes Christmas very seriously.
I don't see how you can hate Christmas, you're Santa!
It's a long story... When I was a kid, Santa never got me the Sergent Sascatchawand action figure I wanted.
That wasn't a long story. And it seems like you've made an odd career choice.
This isn't my career. It's just something I do until my interpretive dance starts getting the recognition it deserves.
Shouldn't you be in your fishbowl?
[Dan is digging a pile of snow and sees everyone at the mall, while a dart shoots at the tree as Elise would be shocked wondering who's inside the snowman outfit, Elise would throw the shuriken to the snowglobe as Chris screams, then she vanishes]
Where did you come from? I didn't even see you.
Who is in the snowman costume?! Tell me!
I don't know, okay? It's just some guy. Some guy I don't know.
[laughs] Oh, it's gonna be awesome. See, the Mall Santa
I don't care. Never mind.
[the lights turn off as the mall closes]
Okay, closing time! Good merriness today, people! Except for you, Snowman. You were phoning it in. Get out of my snow globe.
[gets out of his snowman outfit] Oh thank goodness. It smells like feet in there.
Hey, Mall Santa, I was thinking Maybe we should bury the hatchet.
I don't know, I kind of like the hatchet where it is.
Oh, come on. Hey, want to see something cool?
Check out the gingerbread house.
No, no. Look closer. Go on. There's eggnog over there.
Stinky wants me to look at the gingerbread house.
Why? Is something wrong with it?
No! Wait! [she steps on Dan's trap as candy canes would attaack her]
[Chris and Dan are driving home from work]
I can't believe I got fired! What happened to "Peace on Earth and good will towards- Whatever.
You almost killed our boss.
Since when is that grounds for dismissal?! And I think "killed" is an overstatement. The odds of one of those candy cane spikes penetrating deep enough to hit a vital organ is like a million to one.
Yeah, she really overreacted.
All I wanted to do was buy a present for Mr. Mumbles. That's all. And maybe give the Mall Santa blood poisoning stemming from extreme peppermint exposure. Is that so wrong?
The first part sounded okay. Look, Dan, I think we can get your job back. But you need to decide what's more important: buying a present for Mr. Mumbles, who loves you unconditionally, or exacting petty revenge on the Mall Santa.
Mmm, I'm leaning "Mall Santa."
There's the Christmas spirit!
