Promise me you won't make a scene. [Dan yells and hits himself to the bank window] Did your head make that sound?
[Dan hits himself and makes a crack to the bank window]
That's supposed to be bulletproof.
[as the security guard is grabbing him] Let me go!
[another security guard grabs Chris and the 2 security guards angrily throw Dan and Chris out of the bank]
Wait, why did they throw me out?
BAAAAANNNNKKK!!!
You have to calm down.
[angrily] I'LL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!
Dan, that's disgusting! And impractical!
Oh, you have a better idea?
How about NOT eating their children!
You have no vision. That vexes me! But not as much as being out 50 cents. OH! We're gonna rob the bank.
That... is one of the worst ideas you've ever had, and you've had some doozies!
Name one! And don't say the jetpack, because that's gonna be awesome. [goes inside the car]
You are aware that they intentionally make banks very difficult places to steal from?
Which is why we'll discuss it over lunch, kick some ideas around, and then we'll come back and ROB the place!
Dan, listen to me: I'm not going to rob a bank with you!
Don't be so stubborn! Hey, what kind of mask do you wanna wear? And bear in mind if you don't choose, I'll choose one for you.
I made a promise to myself, and to Elise, that I wouldn't let you--
Bring a sense of purpose to your meaningless life? Let's go.
Chris! Quit acting suspicious!
I'm not! And quit using my name!
Don't follow so close!
I think we should leave now.
That's it! Pens!
What?
We steal their pens. I sell them for 50 cents, and everything's as it should be.
Okay, but-
But nothing! Be cool. Ready?
Dan, wait. That pen has a-
Now! Run for it! [he runs off but his pants rip off of him]
Chain on it.
Hey! Where are my pants?! Oof! Get off me! [the security guard catches him]
Oh no. [the security guard catches him]
Pants thieves!
[Dan and Chris end up in jail]
Of all the days for you not to wear underwear.
Shut up.
[dress in a clown suit] I feel ridiculous.
Good. It's your punishment for trying to bail out on me.
But-!
Hey, you heard Elise. She said "Go with Dan and wear a clown suit".
I don't think that's what she said.
[Dan is drilling]
Dan, we need to go!
I'm not leaving!
His choice, let's move.
We can't leave Dan.
You're right, he knows too much.
And he's our friend.
Sure. Sure, that too.
I'll grab him.
I think that went pretty well.
I do not appreciate being used as a human shield!
But you were born for it. You're so meaty!
I have been against this plan from day 1!
Don't be one of those sad clowns, Chris. Nobody likes those guys. Be a fun clown!
What are we going to do? I don't want to go to prison!
Well, you should have thought of that before breaking into a bank.
This is your fault!
Let's not go blaming others- [Chris tackles him and he laughs] Your nose just- [Chris punches him] Ow! You know something? You're not invited on my next bank heist!
Good!
Now help me think of some demands to keep the cops busy. [picks up the phone] Hello, police? It's me. First off, I would like a baby tiger, some chestnuts, a rocket launcher.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dan Vs. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
