[Dan walks to the store and gets items he needs as he gets ready to call Chris]
Greetings, drone. Any special requests for Thursday? I'm at the store.
Thursday, wh- oh Dan... please don't tell me you forgot.
How could I forget? I love our little Thanksgiving tradition. I'm buying the ingredients to my secret recipe'd, world famous deviled eggs, so there you go. I have forgotten nothing. Thanksgiving is saved. Hurrah and 3 cheers for me!
STOP YELLING AT ME, I'M AT THE STORE! [everyone glares at him] Now look, you've caused a scene. Everything's fine, folks. I've gotten him under control. Go back to consuming. People, huh? No manners these days.
You know we're going to Elise's parents' for Thanksgiving, right?
I can't believe you forgot. I mean I've told you, I don't know, umpteen billion times.
No one has ever told anyone the same thing that many times! Your lies unspool as they spill from your lips, you giant toolbox!
CALM DOWN?! When stupid Elise and her dumb donkey parents are continuing their quest to reprogram you?
What about friendship? What about tradition? What about your bacon wrapped turducken? I may not care for the duck, but the bacon, tur- and -ken are mellifluously delectable.
I'll make it next year, but Dan-
Next year? NEXT YEAR?! [kicks the cart] I'll show you next year. You'd better tell your old lady's parents to make sure they have good insurance!
BECAUSE I'M GONNA BURN THEIR HOUSE TO THE GROUND!!! [gets kicked out of the store]
FAMILY THANKSGIVIIIIIIIIIING!!!
This sucks! We've been in the car for DAYS!
Would've been a lot quicker if SOMEONE wasn't on the no-fly list.
Well... why don't your stupid parents just move closer?
They were going to, and then you tried to frame my dad and almost got him killed by the mafia.
And then a chainsaw slasher.
[everyone is having dinner]
BBen
Why do I have to sit at the kids' table?
There's no room, son. We had to make a space for our guest.
Look who wanted to join us.
Um, sport? Do you really think it's a good idea to have a cat on the table?
Isn't that what Thanksgiving's about? Sharing it with those that we genuinely, truly, honestly care for? Aw, she thinks she's people. Who likes trimmings? You do. You do. Oh look, I see the deviled egg plate is empty. Why don't I go get the rest out of the fridge.
I wouldn't dream of it. Let me.
Remember, one of those eggs needs to be put aside to analyze.
[while looking at the deviled eggs] Your sacrifice will be great, unfertilized non-babies, but it shall not be forgotten. Now, you want my secret so much? Well I'll give it to you.
The grown-ups table always gets first dibs, you silly goose. [he drops off the eggs to the table as Elise's parents get a piece of the deviled eggs and bites it]
[chokes] What is this, poison?!
Apple cider vinegar, to be exact! A whole bottle's worth.
Why?! Why would you do this when we've been nothing but nice to you?
Only for your own nefarious gains.
What are you talking about?!
You only invited me here because you wanted to steal my secret family recipe and then throw me away.
Of course that's the only reason we invited you! Have you ever met you?!
Get out of my house! FINE! And take that mangy furball with you!
It's not mange! She's just not very good at licking herself.
Darn it Don, we were so close.
No more! And if there is no cranberry sauce, so help me I will smother everyone in this house.
[at the end, everyone ends up sleeping at the motel]
Did you know, the actual story of Thanksgiving is a bit darker than what they teach in school. For instance-
Enough! Everyone just go to sleep. Anyone still awake in 5 minutes gets a smothering.
The foot is down. [turns off the light]
Hey guys, you know what I'm thankful for? Friendship.
