[at the end, Chris and Elise arrive at Burgerphile]
DanWhere have you guys been?
We had dinner across the street.
It was amazing. So much better than Burg- I mean- sorry.
Hortence, your selfless actions have set an example for customer service persons everywhere.
HHortense
Thank you, sir.
By the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you regional manager.
[hugs Jeremiah] Oh, thank you, sir!
Dan
Congratulations! This is so great for you!
It is, but it's not good for us.
Dan
What do you mean? I'll have to move.
To our regional headquarters in Santa Monica.
Dan
You have to go. I can't let you give up on your dreams. Not after everything you've done for me. I can't have you regret me. I would never regret you.
[as he takes her away from Dan] Time to go, Hortence. Let's take the corporate helicopter to your new life. How do you like your burger?
I'll always like you like you!
Dan
We'll always have heavy chains! I can't believe she's gone forever.
You know, Dan, Santa Monica is only 20 miles away. It's just a straight shot down the highway. You could be there in half an hour.
Dan
Gone forever.
CCrunchy
[shows up covered in chains while Dan, Chris, and Elise leave Burgerphile] Oh, brother. Protest buddy. Little help with these chains. Please.
Dan
[while he's walking away] Just ignore him.
[while walking with Dan] Can we please pick up the pace?
Dan
Hey, you shouldn't have come with me on errand day if you didn't have the time.
You said, you needed a ride, and you only had one thing to do.
Dan
Yeah, run errands. Plus, you got something, too.
One thing. At one place. I had to pick it up for Elise's birthday. [shows Dan the necklace] Nice, huh?
Dan
The box is okay I guess.
It's a heirloom. It was the only thing of value my great-great grandmother brought her to this country. I got it engraved, see? [shows it to Dan]
Dan
Who's Elsie?
Dan
What's going on here? [drops all of his stuff on the sidewalk]
Dan
Oh magic. Never mind, we're going.
Dan
Seriously? How old are you?
Magicians have powers that normal humans can't understand Dan.
Dan
No, they have gimmicky deck of cards and thinly-veiled distractions. You will feel a punch. Watch this hand! [punches Chris in the stomach]
For my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer. How about you? [jumps on the floor] Behold! A necklace. [makes a magic trick to Chris' necklace] Transportatum necloranicum.
[looks at his necklace box] It's gone.
[everybody cheers]
Dan
Okay, now let's make it reappear so we can all get on with our lives.
I'm sorry, but that would be impossible. I banished it to the 4th dimension of the universe.
Oh, yes. Your necklace is now in another realm. A small price to pay for magic!
[everybody cheers]
Dan
Hey, buddy. You might fool children and Chris here. But we both know that magic is a scam. Now give my friend his necklace back.
Abra Cadabra! [shows up with an underwear]
Dan
Wait, those look like- [looks in his pants]
Abra Cadabra! [disappears and drives away]
Dan
Hey! I know you're in there!
It's no use, Dan. You can't fight a magician.
Dan
For the last time, magic is not real!
[holding a stick with an underwear] So, this isn't your underwear?
Dan
MAGICIAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!
[Dan and Chris arrive at a castle]
Dan
Talk about gaudy. Yeesh. This is perfect. We penetrate their sanctum sanctorum and expose magic for the fraud that it is. [he and Chris walk up to the bodyguard] Two, please.
Dan
Tickets, passes, whatever.
You have to say the magic words.
Dan
Are you kidding me?
Clearly, you are not magicians. Please get off our property.
Dan
Listen, meathead. We need to see The Amazing Peter. It's important. I promised I'd return his baseball bat.
Look, buddy. Either disappear or I will make you disappear.
Dan
Fine. Come on, Chris. We'll just have to-ATTACK! [the bodyguard grabs his baseball bat] Run! [he runs off as he and Chris climb up a tree to sneak through the castle] Come on, it's not that far to the roof.
I don't know. This doesn't seem safe.
Dan
Nothing worth doing is safe. Was marrying Elise safe?
Dan
Well, there you have it. Hey!
[shows up as a genie] What do you think you're doing?
Wow, that guy's really- [falls off a tree]
Dan
Next time. [takes a dive off the tree]
[with Dan in the river with a crocodile] Still think magic's not real?
Dan
[as he becomes sneaky opening up a room] Aha. Here's your so-called 4th dimension. I told you this hocus pocus was mumbo jumbo.
You! Stop polishing watches. I need you to go to Pasadena and work a jewelry convention. Should be a gold mine, if you know what I mean.
Dan
I'm impressed. There is some serious crime happening here.
No. No. Come on, where is it? Wait, I think I found it. Wait! [the treasure lands on him] Got it!
Dan
Smooth as always, genius.
[Magnifico the Magnificent and two men confront Dan and Chris]
Dan
Alright, magician. Game's over. We know the truth.
It's Magnifico the Magnificent. And for your information, I found all these watches and I bought all this jewelry.
Dan
I don't care about that. Steal away! I just want you to admit that you don't have any magical powers.
Oh, I have powers! Observe. [he electrocutes Chris]
Dan
Eh, that didn't even look real. Felt real. [he runs off to defeat Magnifico the Magnificent]
Sleep! [he puts Dan to sleep and takes the necklace away from Chris] I'll take that.
[Chris and Dan are chained up in jail]
Dan
Wha-- where am l?
Magnifico did magic on you.
Dan
He did not!
He did! He stopped you dead in your tracks. It was magic, real magic.
[as he is taking Elise to jail] Stop struggling. You're only making it worse. This should cool you off.
Well, as long as we're all chained up, I might as well tell you the whole story. It all started on my 8th birthday. [scene cuts to her memory from her 8th birthday]
Good afternoon, boys and girls. I am Magnifico the Magnificent, and I need a volunteer to help me do some magic!
KEKid Elise
Oh, oh, me, me!
Everyone, give a big hand for Elise. Alright, just sit down. Alright, on 3! 3!
[Kid Elise screams as Magnifico the Magnificent plays a trick on her]
KEKid Elise
[as she is trapped inside a box] Help me! [as she is spinning on the wheel] Please, stop! Ta-da!
[the kids cheer as kid Elise gets scared as her flashback ends]
Please ever since then, I haven't even been able to be in the same room as a magician.
Wow, that's awful. I mean, it doesn't explain what you're doing here right now, which was my original question, but still awful.
Well, after what happened to me, I certainly couldn't let someone I love get hurt by magic. So I followed you here, I snuck in successfully, but when a magician asked if he could saw me in half, I sort of lost it. What? He'll live.
Dan
[after freeing himself off his chain] Ahh, much better.
Wait. How did you get free?
Dan
Well, I got really bored during Elise's story. Then I remembered my left thumb is double-jointed.
How did you get your other hand free?
Dan
Pulled really hard.
[whispering] Well, help us.
Do you believe in magic? You bet do.
Dan
There's no time. I'll have to come back for you guys. Don't move. [he climbs on Chris as he heads out to the vent]
Dan
I stepped in something.
Hey where's the third guy?
[while hosting his magic show] Behold the power of magic. And witness the Chest of Wonders! [Dan shows up from the box]
Dan
You, sir, are baloney! You're no more magical than my big toe!
Can your big toe do this? [he tries to zap Dan but fails] What the?
Dan
Aw, I wish I had a wand like that. [he and Magnifico the Magnificent try to zap each other] No! Stop being amazed! This isn't magic. It's just a metal rod hooked up to a car battery.
Who taught you my magic trick?
Dan
[while Magnifico the Magnificent is trying to zap him] No one. I figured them out with plain old common sense. [the crowd laughs] I'll admit levitating was the hardest one. Turns out it's nothing more than fishing line and pulleys.
[Peter and the bodyguard play a trick on Magnifico the Magnificent]
[the crowd cheers]
Dan
Looks like his next trick's gonna be regaining consciousness. [found something hidden] Chloroform vapor.
Wow. Mr. Mumbles did not want to leave that dove room.
Stay right here! Time to show you a trick or two. [she defeats the bodyguard]
Happy birthday! [gives Elise the necklace]
You don't understand. The magician stole it, right? And my great-great-grandmother and then Dan-
Dan
Well, folks, we've all been through something very special tonight. I think it's clear now that magic is a bunch of hogwash. I hope that you've all learned-
Hey, Dan! Abra-- [Mr. Mumbles defeats him]
I've never seen Mr. Mumbles attack anyone like that before.
Dan
See? Everything has an explanation.
[Dan arrives home and finds some kids selling lemonade in his neighborhood]
Dan
Hey, you kids! Either show me your vendor permits or get out of my spot!
So, what seems to be the problem here, mister?
Yeah, mister. What's the problem?
Dan
Hey, kids. I don't mean to run you out of business, but you're kind of in my spot. So, I need to run you out of business. Or at least have you move.
Dan
Well, technically, I was here first. I live here. This is where I park.
Dan
I- Ahhh-I have no answer for that! [backs up his car and parks at a different spot] Children, can't live with them, can't hunt them for sport. [he walks upstairs but the Lemonade Stand Gang blocks his way]
Dan
I don't want any. I just want to go home. Out of the way, irksome urchins.
I wasn't asking. You're going to buy a cup of lemonade before you can pass.
Dan
Don't you threaten me, kid. I- [screams when Timmy splashes lemonade on his face] Hey!
Dan
A $1.25?! That's outrageous!
Pay up! Or Large Harold here will give you the deepest, longest-lasting charley horse you've ever had.
HHarold
I call it a Charles horse.
Dan
First of all, I don't carry cash. Second of all- [screams and trips when Moose poses a pushup] You'll pay for this, you hooligans.
[as he and the Lemonade Stand Gang comfront Dan] Did you just call us hooligans?
Dan
[as he is beaten up by the Lemonade Stand Gang] Get off me! You ankle-biting meatballs! [arrives at his apartment, injured and calls Chris]
Dan
I'm bruised and sticky!
Dan
Who else? Get over here, I have a major problem with minors. [screams as there is a note thrown through the window by The Lemonade Stand Gang, he picks up the note and reads it] "If you know what's good for you, don't mess with The Lemonade Stand Gang. Signed, The Lemonade Stand Gang." Those little beasts! LEMONAAAAAAAADE STAAAAAAAAND GAAAAAAAAANG!!!!!!!!!
TSTimmy's Mom
[finds Chris in the bathroom drinking water from the sink] Timmy, I told you to go to- [she and Chris scream]
[while he's being chased by Timmy's mom] It's a misunderstanding!
Dan
Never send a Chris to do a Dan's job. Incompetent.
[while he is being attacked by Timmy's mom] Stop!
[makes a phone call] It's me. Get everyone together, now.
[Dan and Chris are riding back home]
Dan
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't worry, I am. For many, many reasons.
Dan
It was a simple plan! You turned it into some weird monster streaker thing.
The costume was sweltering. And you wouldn't let me out of there!
Dan
So, you didn't accomplish the mission, but you did terrorize an innocent lady in her own home. I'm ashamed to call you my minion.
I'm not your minion! [phone rings] Hello?
Hey, it's getting late. Where are you?
Dan
[yelling] YOUR HUSBAND'S A MONSTER STREAKER!
Dan, would you please be quiet?
What's a monster streaker?
It's nothing. Dan, just, uh-
I did see something on the news about a guy terrorizing the neighborhood in a monster mask.
It's, well, it's those kids I told you about.
They're almost 6th graders.
Good night, Chris. Put some pants on. [hangs up the phone]
Dan
I know, buddy. But, yeah. Let's stop so you can put your pants on. [he and Chris arrive at Dan's apartment late at night] Come on. We need to plan our next move.
I'm thinking maybe my next move is to pretend that this never happened. Summer is over soon, the kids will go back to school and- Hey, why is your street deserted?
Dan
This doesn't look good. [Dolores rides her bike and runs over his foot] Ow! My foot!
Let's get inside, quickly! [Harold hits him]
Dan
[as Timmy sees him] Chris, get up! We've got to get out of here!
Can't move. Save yourself.
Dan
No, no man left behind- This is the way I always thought I'd go.
Dan
Well, I mean they're not zombie kids, but basically.
Dan
I blame cartoons.
You come after us, we come after you. You got me? Wallets! [Dan and Chris give him their wallets] Next time you mess with us, you'll lose more than your money. Alright, move out.
[The Lemonade Stand Gang ride their bikes off Dan's neighborhood while Harold throws a can to a car]
Dan
[voiceover] This is why I'm never having children.
[Dan and Chris are at Ninja Dave's Cookies]
Dan
Only Ninja Dave's makes lactose-free chocolate chip cookies.
Dan
What's wrong, buddy? We won.
We didn't win. Not in the moral sense.
Dan
But we won in the practical sense, which is the only sense that matters.
[The Lemonade Stand Gang are outside destroying the car]
Yeah, but they're just kids. Even if they are hooligans, I don't feel good about wrecking their bikes.
Dan
Eh, we taught them a lesson. It takes a village, Chris.
I don't know. How would you like it if someone destroyed your property?
[the car gets destroyed by The Lemonade Stand Gang]
Dan
I guess you can answer that question for both of us.
[answers the phone at home] Hello? They did what?! [shows up outside of Ninja Dave's Cookies where the fire fighters are hosing down the fired car] Seriously? The lemonade stand kids did this?
I told you they were bad kids.
They will all disappear. No one will ever know what became of them, except maybe in a weapons factory in North Korea where their tiny hands will be put to work assembling-
Don't you see? I took the low road with Dan and look where it got us.
Maybe you just didn't take it low enough.
Dan
That's what I've been saying.
Here's what I've learned from tonight. When you take the low road, you force the other guy to go lower. And that makes you go lower and so on.
That's pretty much how it works. Whoever goes lowest first wins.
No, we're better than this. No more destruction.
Dan
I'm not better than this.
Dan
Fine. Let's give the baby his bottle.
This is why the other boys pick on him.
[Chris confronts The Lemonade Stand Gang]
Well, well, well. If it isn't the guy with no car.
What? How come I don't get to express my opinions?
It undermines the dramatic effect of my statements.
Look, I tried it Dan's way for a little bit and I didn't like myself very much.
Huh, we don't like you much either.
We've all done things we regret, haven't we?
HHarold
Uh, I ate a frog once.
So let's stop treating each other like enemies and be friends. [Timmy kicks him] Ow!
See, mister, it's like this. Life is a 0-sum game. If you want something, you have to take it from someone else.
That's not true. You can- [Timmy kicks him again] Ow! Not my shins again.
[as he is beaten up by The Lemonade Stand Gang] Ow! Stop it! Ow!
Dan
[holding the tape] Now I've got you!
Get him! I want that tape!
[Dan runs off]
[checking his leg] Much better.
[Dan gives Elise the tape and runs off as The Lemonade Stand Gang finds the tape in the car]
[the teacher is having a meeting with The Lemonade Stand Gang's parents in the classroom]
TTeacher
And I'd just like to thank the wonderful efforts of--
[comes inside the classroom] May I have the floor for a moment? I'm a local resident who has been terrorized by a group of juvenile delinquents. [plays a video of the Lemonade Stand Gang] Here's footage of The Lemonade Stand Gang throwing lemonade on an elderly lady. And here's them kicking a citizen unmercifully in the shins.
TSTimmy's Mom
Is that my Timmy?
And if you look outside right now, you can see them destroying a car.
[everyone can see The Lemonade Stand Gang destroying a car outside from the window]
TSTimmy's Mom
[comes out the school and stops her son from destroying a car] Timmy! Stop that at once!
TSTimmy's Mom
Is this what you've been doing? Vandalism? Extortion? I wondered how your lemonade stand was making a thousand dollars a week.
TSTimmy's Mom
Well, no more! All that money is going to charity!
[The Lemonade Stand Gang parents pick up their kids and punish them]
HHarold
[in the car] I regret nothing!
[The Lemonade Stand Gang parents drive away]
[at the end, Dan, Chris, and Elise are at Ninja Dave's Cookies having cookies]
Dan
I have to say, Chris, you were right. We didn't need to sink to their level. We just needed to get smarter.
I'm sorry that your car got wrecked.
Dan
A master chess player knows which piece to sacrifice and when.
I heard that Timmy and his goons got sent off to military school.
Wait, won't they just come back even more dangerous?
Well, I suggested reform school, but the parents wouldn't go for it.
Dan
Stupid parents. They're what's wrong with America.
Actually, when I was hiding in the kid's closet, I got the sense that his mom was involved in his life and really encouraging him to succeed.
Dan
That's the problem! My parents had the right idea, they let TV raise me. And I turned out super-duper.
[Dan walks to the store and gets items he needs as he gets ready to call Chris]
Dan
Greetings, drone. Any special requests for Thursday? I'm at the store.
Thursday, wh- oh Dan... please don't tell me you forgot.
Dan
How could I forget? I love our little Thanksgiving tradition. I'm buying the ingredients to my secret recipe'd, world famous deviled eggs, so there you go. I have forgotten nothing. Thanksgiving is saved. Hurrah and 3 cheers for me!
Dan
At least one chance-
Dan
STOP YELLING AT ME, I'M AT THE STORE! [everyone glares at him] Now look, you've caused a scene. Everything's fine, folks. I've gotten him under control. Go back to consuming. People, huh? No manners these days.
You know we're going to Elise's parents' for Thanksgiving, right?
Dan
WHAT?!
I can't believe you forgot. I mean I've told you, I don't know, umpteen billion times.
Dan
No one has ever told anyone the same thing that many times! Your lies unspool as they spill from your lips, you giant toolbox!
Dan
CALM DOWN?! When stupid Elise and her dumb donkey parents are continuing their quest to reprogram you?
Dan
What about friendship? What about tradition? What about your bacon wrapped turducken? I may not care for the duck, but the bacon, tur- and -ken are mellifluously delectable.
I'll make it next year, but Dan-
Dan
Next year? NEXT YEAR?! [kicks the cart] I'll show you next year. You'd better tell your old lady's parents to make sure they have good insurance!
Dan
BECAUSE I'M GONNA BURN THEIR HOUSE TO THE GROUND!!! [gets kicked out of the store]
Dan
FAMILY THANKSGIVIIIIIIIIIING!!!
Dan
This sucks! We've been in the car for DAYS!
Would've been a lot quicker if SOMEONE wasn't on the no-fly list.
Dan
Well... why don't your stupid parents just move closer?
They were going to, and then you tried to frame my dad and almost got him killed by the mafia.
And then a chainsaw slasher.
Dan
Ah, yeah. Good times...
[everyone is having dinner]
BBen
Why do I have to sit at the kids' table?
There's no room, son. We had to make a space for our guest.
Dan
Look who wanted to join us.
Um, sport? Do you really think it's a good idea to have a cat on the table?
Dan
Isn't that what Thanksgiving's about? Sharing it with those that we genuinely, truly, honestly care for? Aw, she thinks she's people. Who likes trimmings? You do. You do. Oh look, I see the deviled egg plate is empty. Why don't I go get the rest out of the fridge.
I wouldn't dream of it. Let me.
Dan
No no, I insist.
Remember, one of those eggs needs to be put aside to analyze.
Dan
[while looking at the deviled eggs] Your sacrifice will be great, unfertilized non-babies, but it shall not be forgotten. Now, you want my secret so much? Well I'll give it to you.
Dan
The grown-ups table always gets first dibs, you silly goose. [he drops off the eggs to the table as Elise's parents get a piece of the deviled eggs and bites it]
[chokes] What is this, poison?!
Dan
Apple cider vinegar, to be exact! A whole bottle's worth.
Why?! Why would you do this when we've been nothing but nice to you?
Dan
Only for your own nefarious gains.
What are you talking about?!
Dan
You only invited me here because you wanted to steal my secret family recipe and then throw me away.
Of course that's the only reason we invited you! Have you ever met you?!
Dan
A-HA!
Get out of my house! FINE! And take that mangy furball with you!
Dan
It's not mange! She's just not very good at licking herself.
Darn it Don, we were so close.
No more! And if there is no cranberry sauce, so help me I will smother everyone in this house.
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
