[opens the garage] What are you guys doing in my shop?
When I said "hide," TWICE, how could I have made that more clear?
DanDon't you play the victim with me! We can go back and forth all night about who set who's dog free!
Dan
But I know you've been replacing my engine with junk!
You got me. All right, Dan. After this weekend, I'll fix your car up the right way.
Dan
[furious] You fix it now!
I can't order the parts until some money comes in. Which happens this weekend. Now please leave me alone.
Dan
[picks up cake mixer out of the inside hood of the car] I'm taking this cake mixer.
If you find your dog, I would like my wallet back.
[Dan kicks the door open to the locker room]
Dan
There you are! [to Chris] Chris, prepare your jaws of death!
For the last time, I'm not eating anyone, because it's gross!
Dan
All right! Wait, are you crying?
Dan
Uh... Okay look, I'm here to pummel you, and for some reason I feel weird about doing that while you're crying, so could you stop?
Oh, sure. I'm-I'm sorry about that.
Dan
Thank you.
Hey, uh, maybe if you could just put Dan's car back together, we could all forget this awkwardness.
Dan
I'd be willing to accept that.
I can't. I don't own my garage anymore. Or I won't as of Monday morning.
You know, Dan, you put up your car, you won the fight. Technically you could have owned this shop.
Dan
Keep it. What would I do with a mechanical shop? Besides, crushing Elise was reward enough.
You got lucky! You littl-!
Whoa, whoa! All's well that ends well, right?
And trust me, better to get out before you get hooked. Thank you, Dan. You saved my business.
Dan
You don't have to thank me, Mechanic Mike. But you DO have to fix my car whenever it breaks, and never charge me a penny.
[Chris, Elise, and Mechanic Mike walk away after Dan drives off]
Huh. Guess I forgot to- [Dan's car explodes] Yeah, that's the thromdibulator.
Dan
[yelling] MECHANIC!
[Mechanic Mike throws the thromdibular to the ground as he, Elise, and Chris walk away while Dan's car is caught on fire as the episode ends]
[singing] Hail hail the mighty owls... standing loyal and true. Rah rah. Whoo whoo whoo! [takes out the old jersey out of his box] My old jersey! [puts on jersey]
Dan
[entering] Chris, good, you're home. Take this. I need your fingerprints on it. [puts the bag in bowling ball]
Dan
That's between me and the Department of Agriculture. [Chris ignores Dan and walks off] Is that your high school jersey?
Yeah, I think it shrunk while it was in storage.
Dan
What is this junk? A year book, stack of report cards? Are you planning a bonfire?
Just taking a little stroll down memory lane. Tonight's the class reunion.
Dan
And you intend to go?
Of course. There's going to be a big party in the school gymnasium. Elise is eager to meet my old pals.
Dan
[takes the "Go Owls" flag away from him] Chris, reunions are for ex-prom queens and aging muscle-heads who want to wallow in their past glories. Not for normal people like us who hated high school.
That might've been your experience Dan, but I loved it. I was involved in so many activities... I earned dozens of participation ribbons.
Dan
Delude yourself if you must, but I endured the same four years you did, and I wouldn't be caught dead commemorating them at some vapid social. [notices that he was not invited] Hey, wait a minute. I was in your high school class. No one sent me an invitation.
Dan
I guess they didn't want me there. B-but why?
I'm sure it was an oversight.
Dan
Oh, don't sugar coat it, Martha Sunshine! I know when I've been snubbed! [yelling] HIGH SCHOOL REUNION!!!!
Dan! How did you get here?
Dan
If you thought I couldn't chew my way through duct tape, you don't know me as well as you think.
Dan
That's right, Chris, your wife has joined the conspiracy to stop me from being here.
Dan
Ew cooties. Break it up. I need you to create a diversion so I can sneak inside. Chris, do that stupid fight song. You know "rah rah, whoo whoo". The one that makes you look like a complete idiot.
Dan, if you want to come in, buy a ticket and get a name tag. But then my attack won't be a surprise! You really have no sense of theater. [sees his friends walk by] It's Perry and Rajneesh. From the A.V. club. Hey guys! [runs over to them]
Come in, Dan. No one's looking.
Dan
[comes in from the window] I'm glad you can put your personal agenda aside and--- [Elise grabs him and puts him inside the locker] Ow!
Chris is going to make new friends tonight. Friends who call before they come over. Who returns the things they barrow. Friends who aren't wanted by Interpol. [punches the locker and walks away]
Dan
[inside the locker] Trapped in a locker? This is just like high school!
[Dan traps Chris in a gym bag dragging him outside]
[muffling] Oh, I get it. I get it. Is that you, Rajneesh? Are we re-enacting the A.V. Club initiation? Well, bring on the pudding! [Dan takes off Gym Bag] Oh...
Dan
I decided to give you one more chance to redeem yourself.
Dan, for the last time... [Dan opens his car trunk and reveals the owl suit] Ah! It's the owl suit! The one I would've worn if I was elected mascot. Wait a minute. How did you get this?
Dan
Dressing up as a mascot is an embarrassment! I was saving you from yourself!
You're the one who stole it?
Dan
I didn't plan to keep this long. But it's surprisingly difficult to unload an owl suit.
How could you do that to me? You knew that was my dream!
Dan
[gets the Owl Mask] If you help me, you get to wear it. In all its feathery glory.
No, I can't use the mascot in service of evil?
Dan
You sure?
[yelling, running away] NOOOO!!!
Dan
[puts on the mask] Sheesh. Some people are so dramatic.
DDoctor
Well, you're sick.
Dan
Guess you were right. I'll have to buy you a drink at Bingo.
DDoctor
Dan, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have a pretty bad case of the common cold. A cold is a viral infection in the upper respiratory tract.
Are you telling me you've never had a cold before?
Dan
I happen to lead a very healthy lifestyle. [sneezes]
DDoctor
Dan, if you want to get over this thing, you must avoid physical exertion.
Dan
No problem, I've been avoiding it my whole life.
DDoctor
That means no bingo.
Dan
No bingo?! COMMON COLLLLLLLLD!!!! [he coughs]
DDoctor
Well, sorry, there's no cure for the common cold. [walks away]
Dan
What are you talking about?! If modern science can cure a ham, you can cure a common cold.
DDoctor
With all of the life threatening diseases that are yet to be cured, there's isn't the manpower nor the resources to exhaust on such a mild virus.
Dan
Oh, I get it. You're lazy. [takes the stethoscope away from the doctor]
DDoctor
Hey! Where are you going with my stethoscope?
Dan
To do what you should have done a long time ago. I'm going to cure the common cold! [leaves]
[gives the doctor his money] For the stethoscope. [leaves]
Hey, what happened to Giselle?
Let's just say she's going to need another nose job.
Wow, that really- [sneezes]
Oh, no. Now you've got a- [sneezes]
Dan
[satisfied while Elise and Chris stare at him angrily] Don't look at me. I feel great.
[Dan gets pulled over when a police officer shows up]
PPolice Officer
Do you know why I pulled you over?
Dan
No, officer. I wasn't speeding and my hands never stayed from the 10 and 2 position. Not even when I sneezed.
PPolice Officer
Your plates have expired. License and registration.
Dan
[while looking for his license and registration] Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt. What's this? Hey, Ninja Dave's receipt.
PPolice Officer
How about we start with your license? [Dan gives his license to him] Bad hair day, huh?
Dan
I'm sorry, did I get pulled over by the fashion police?
PPolice Officer
This license is expired.
Dan
But my voter registration is completely up to date. Good citizen.
PPolice Officer
I'll have to write you a "fix-it" ticket. You'll need to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles and get this all sorted out.
Dan
This is an outrage! I demand you tear up that ticket at once!
PPolice Officer
Stay in your car, sir!
Dan
I will not! My friend Chris pays taxes and those taxes pay your salary! [the officer sprays pepper in his face] Pepper spray? Really? Do I look like a 5 year old?
PPolice Officer
Sir, if you don't calm down, I'll be happy to upgrade to my nightstick.
Dan
But I wasn't doing anything wrong!
PPolice Officer
Hey, I don't make the rules. Blame the DMV.
Dan
DMV!
PPolice Officer
Ooh, and I am going to have cite you for noise violation. [gives Dan another ticket for noise violation and drives away]
Dan
I need to renew my license.
HHence
Wow. That's a bad hair day.
Dan
I had just woken up in a dumpster in Sacramento. It was a bad day all around.
HHence
I'll need to see some I.D. This is expired.
Dan
Hence, the need to renew it.
HHence
I need something current, with your picture, your name, and the date.
Hey, I've got something. [gives Hence a picture of Dan]
Dan
Why do you have my mug shot?
This one looks so adorable I, just had to keep it.
HHence
[hands Dan a pile of papers] Fill these out, bring them back with the correct documentation. Thank you!
There's nothing like a great ski trip! Just you, me, the snow and-
Dan
Can we get some heat back here?
Dan
If I get frost bite, you're buying me new toes.
Well it was either bring him along or risk him sabotaging the trip.
Dan
Obviously. Do you know how it feels to be left behind? And besides, why wouldn't you bring me? I love skiing. [sees a lot of people skiing] Wait...what are these people doing?
Dan
THIS is skiing? What's the one where you shoot clay discs with a rifle?
Dan
Yeah! That's the one I like! I despise skiing.
Dan
You know how I feel about trying things.
Well, I guess we should have known better. Shall we pack it up and go?
Hold on. It's just a one night trip. Dan, you can survive one night. And why don't you make the most of it? Skiing's a lot of fun.
Dan
If you want to dress up like an astronaut and get a concussion that's your business, but I didn't take my stupid pills this morning, so if you think-- [cut to him, Chris, and Elise at the ski lift] --that I'm going to strand myself at the top of a mountain with those snow hippies, you are very wrong.
Well, we're almost to the top, so you may as well give it a shot. [he and Elise leave to ski]
Dan
How do you stop this thing? Hurling myself down a mountain at terminal velocity goes against every natural instinct in my body. And that guy's.
It's easy. If you want to go forward, just make your skis look like french fries. See? And if you want to stop, you just make your skis look like pizza.
Dan
Is there anything that doesn't remind you of food?
Speaking of which, I've already worked up a bit of an appetite. I wonder if you can tell if the snack bar is open from up here.
Dan
Uh, Chris? Chris? [goes down skiing]
Dan
Where's the emergency brake on this thing?
LGLittle Girl
Mommy, mommy take my picture! Take my-- [gets caught with Dan] Mommy!!!
Dan
Man, this place is a death tra-AAH! SKIIII TRRRIIIPPP!!! [falls down and lands in the snow] Ow ow ow!
[Dan and Elise are at a cabin together]
Dan
[takes a sip of his hot chocolate] Man, this is peaceful. [breaks his drink] I hate it.
Dan
No TV, no cell phone service, no thank you! You can take a cab home. I'm getting out of here right now. [opens the door as snow falls] What's this nonsense?
Looks like a blizzard. Which means Chris is stranded with a bunch of strangers and I'm stuck here with you.
Dan
A blizzard? You think a bunch of flakey water is gonna stop ME? [closes the door but opens again as he gets icicles on his nose] OK. I've got icicles in my nose.
I told you, the only thing you can do with a storm like this is wait it out. And by these look of these clouds, it could be a while. Maybe even all night.
Dan
All night? Oh no. No, no, no, no. I agreed to try skiing, I agreed to sip your cocoa, I even let you tie me up and gag me, but there is no way, and I mean NO WAY, I am staying in this meat locker for an entire night! [he wakes up from the chair and gets the keys] So long, Elise. I hope you choke on a big pile of- [opens the door and finds out that snow is coming from outside] Snow!
MMan
Which one of you is Dan?
Dan
Who wants to know?! The trilateral commission? Freemasons? [gets a paper about jury duty thrown on his face]
MMan
L.A. Superior Court, buddy. You've been served.
Dan
Jury duty?
MMan
We tried to notify you by mail, but you never responded.
Dan
I don't open mail from the government. That's what they want you to do.
MMan
We'll see you in court. [walks away]
Dan
But my friends and I need to drive around until we find the aliens that abducted me! We have to make them pay for what they did! Whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't pleasant.
MMan
You show up for jury duty, or you go to jail. Your choice.
Dan has to perform his civic duty!
Don't worry Dan. Elise and I will drive you.
MMan
Elise? You're Elise?
DEDan and Elise
[yelling] JURY DUTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Dan
Your honor, I am also in the process of giving birth. And I'm also emotionally fragile, having been recently abducted by aliens. [cut to Dan being locked in a hamster cage] Alternate juror? That's even worse! I still have to be here, but I can't send anyone to prison!
CCrunch
I'm just happy to be of service to my community. By the way, that's Olaf. He doesn't speak any English.
Dan
Then how do you know what his name is?
CCrunch
Oh I'm like, totally fluent in Danish. Anyway, Olaf isn't even a juror. He wandered in by mistake when he was looking for the bathroom.
Dan
I'm tunneling out. [he digs down under the cage until he gets hit at the bottom]
CCrunch
Don't go yet, bro-face. They're supposed to give us food pellets in like an hour.
Dan
[pops up] Useless! Under the layer of newspaper there's just more bars.
JJudge
Has the jury selected a foreman?
We have, your honor. It's me.
[Elise sighs]
Dan
[whisper-yelling] CHRIS! Hey, Chris! You've got to bust me out of here.
I'm not "busting you out" of jury duty.
Dan
Just go to my apartment, all right?! In my closet, you'll find a a plastic gun, a block of thermite, a wig, makeup, petroleum jelly-
But sadly, no clean clothes.
JJudge
[clank clank] Are you trying to influence one of my jurors, or just disturbing the proceedings?
Uh, the second one? [gets kicked out of the court] I'll just wait out here, then.
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
