DanWhere did all these farmers' markets come from, anyway? And what are all those things they're selling?
They're called vegetables, Dan. You should try them sometime.
Dan
What about me makes you think I'd have any interest in eating vegetables!
Dan
If I want something sweet, I'll have candy. Like an adult.
Look, you can't live on just hamburgers and turkey sandwiches, Dan. It's not healthy.
Dan
I'll have you know my grandfather lived to be a hundred and 8.
Oh? Did he eat only meat and bread, as well?
Dan
No, but he MINDED HIS OWN BUSINESS! [he realizes that Burgerphile serves broccoli instead of fries] What on God's green earth is that thing? You stay back, deviant! Get away from me!
Oh, right! I read about this. In an effort to be more healthy, this month they're replacing the french fries with a different vegetable every week. This week's broccoli-palooza.
Dan
Come on, we're going to another Burgerphile.
Uh, no, it's ALL Burgerphiles. Everywhere. [Dan knocks down a plate of broccoli and heads out]
Dan
[angrily growls] TIMBER!
Dan
VEGETABLLLLLLLLLLLES!!!!!!!
Dan
This has been so much fun. We really should get hold of devastatingly toxic chemicals more often.
I am rather enjoying myself. Where to next?
Dan
There's one last broccoli farm left in the greater Los Angeles area. We take that out, they'll HAVE to serve fries at Burgerphile again.
[both vehicles stop in the middle of road]
Dan! [comes out from the car and confronts him for taking her ID] You are a dead man!
Dan
[comes out from the truck] Okay, before you start in on one of your irrational "You-took-my-ID-a and-used-it-to-steal-weapons-grade-def foliants-from-the army," let's take a moment to think about what's really important. Friendship. [Elise punches him] Ow! Jerk!
Dan
It's in the truck! Go ahead and take it, I don't need it any more anyway. I only have one more farm to destroy and then I'm done. For now.
I'm taking the defoliant back, too.
Dan
But the last broccoli farm!
Let it be a lesson to you. If Chris wasn't involved, I'd have you arrested for high treason!
Dan
In that case, I'm glad Chris is involved.
[angrily gets in the truck and sees Chris hiding] And you! You're not hiding!
First off, let me say I'm sorry. Second, let me say I don't know what I'm apologizing for.
We will talk about it at home.
Uh, you didn't leave the keys in the car, did you?
[Dan takes the car and drives away offscreen]
Dan! Get back here! Let's get after him.
He has the keys to the truck, too.
[after Dan's car got crashed]
Dan
[sees his car destroyed] You did not.
TGTerrifi-Guy
My bad, citizen.
Dan
BAD?! The Bubonic Plague was "bad"! THIS IS AN ATROCITY!
TGTerrifi-Guy
Not to worry. Most insurance covers superhero-related damages. [flies away]
Dan
I don't have insurance! Get back here! SUPERHEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Terrifi-Guy crashes into Elise's garage full of hot sauce]
Wait, how did a car accent hurt him?
Dan
It wasn't the car accident. I've covered your entire garage in hot sauce!
Dan
Yeah, it's his only weakness for some reason. Now let's kick him while he's down!
There are other places you could put hot sauce! Like your apartment! Or a park! Or a hot sauce factory!
TGTerrifi-Guy
The secret of my weakness will die with you.
Dan
[strangling] It was on TV! Chris Boy! Help!
I don't want to be Chris Boy anymore. In fact, I never wanted to be Chris Boy!
Dan
You're right! This is a job for Steel Scorpion!
Well that's more like it! Stinger attack!
TGTerrifi-Guy
Unhand me, simpletons!
Dan
Taste my spicy vengeance! [he feeds him hot sauce]
TGTerrifi-Guy
Stop you don't know what you're doing! I could lose my powers forever!
Actually, that's normal strong!
Dan
Steel Scorpion, hold him!
[Terrifi-Guy and Chris keep fighting until Dan pulls down the lever which spills a container full of hot sauce covering them in it]
TGTerrifi-Guy
No!! I'm losing my powers!
Okay, that's quite enough of that. [sprays water at Dan, Chris, and Terrifi-Guy who is now reduced to a scrawny weakling]
Dan
Ha ha! Now Terrifi-Guy, do you see what-
[Elise sprays Dan]
That's for messing my garage.
TGTerrifi-Guy
[high-pitched voice] Do you know what you've done? I have lost my super powers! You haven't seen the last of me, Dr. Jerk! I will get my powers back somehow, and you will be sor-
[Elise grabs Terrifi-Guy]
TGTerrifi-Guy
Hey! Quit it! Let go!
[Elise throws Terrifi-Guy out the garage]
Dan
Good riddance, I say! The city doesn't need you. It has all the superhero it needs... Dan Man!
Dan
Just Dan Man! I'll take it from here.
[Elise sprays Dan again]
You're not going anywhere until this garage is spotless!
[sees Dan pop out from the luggage] Dan?!
Honestly, that's got to be some sort of record.
You can't tag along this time. It's a family cruise. You aren't family.
Dan
You think I want to be here? I've been hijacked, Shanghaied, Dan-napped! I am missing zombie wrestling. I gotta get off this ship before [see the cruise sailing away from the city] we set sail. Alright, fine. Today is a wash. Fortunately, the main event isn't until tomorrow.
Dan, we're not going back to shore for a week. You're stuck here.
Dan
FAMILY CRUISE!
[a waiter sends everyone a roasted pig, Chris eats it]
I wonder where the people I like disappeared to?
Dan
It can't be any worse than here. There's gotta be a way off this floating barge of misery!
CCarla
Looks like the kiddies win the eating competition.
Heh. In your face, Don! [chuckles]
CCarla
All right, Fun-stronauts, time to get back on deck for more maritime merriment!
Dan
Must we?
CCarla
Come on, badminton is up next and the two teams are neck and neck. I'm sure you can't wait to find out who's gonna win the big prize! [giggles]
CCarla
Winner of the competition is crowned Captain for the Day! [puts on Captain hat] We dress you up in a little sailor's suit and take your picture on deck in front of the Catalina Parallelogram.
Dan
So if we win badminton, I get to steer the ship back to Los Angeles? Perfect! Come on, Chris!
CCarla
Actually, it's more of an honorary title-
Dan
[interrupts her] Stop, you had me at "Captain". [Chris finishes eating while walking with Dan]
[Elise and Masked Cyborg fight over a pink crystal, the racquet ball is tucked on the top of the net, the two fighting jumps off the main deck and falls to the court, the crystal is shattered, and the racquet ball falls down]
Dan
[laughing] Victory! [takes the Captain hat and puts it on] Kneel before your captain!
[scolds Elise] You better have a good explanation, young lady.
EElise
Me!? You're the one in battle armor!
Don't you change the subject!
Dan
Sounds like you all have a lot to discuss. If you'll excuse me... [Dan walks away and heads to the captain's deck] Zombie Wrestling, [breaks the steering wheel] here I come!
Dan
Arr, my trusty crew! Come for your share of the plunder?
Wait, you're a pirate now?
CCarla
What have you done to the bridge? It's only been two minutes.
Dan
It was like when this when I got here.
Yeah, that's sort of our bad.
Dan
All I did was turn back towards Los Angeles.
CCarla
And destroyed the captain's wheel. We can't steer the ship and without the automated navigation system, we will sail right into Catalina Parallelogram.
Dan
You win some, you lose some.
CCarla
Win some, lose some? Heh! [breaks the swordfish fin board, now furious] Are you kidding me?! I've been nothing but upbeat and cheerful for you people, and all you can do is snipe at one another! And to top it off, you've wrecked my ship!? I've had it! You're all going to the brig!!
Dan
Make it so, number two.
CCarla
Oh, you're going with them!
Young Dan
Mr. Tedesco, I'm so glad you're here. We'd like to go to the mess hall now as I believe is our right since I have the spirit stick.
[Mr. Tedesco swipes the spirit stick away from Young Dan and uses one of his knees to break the spirit stick in half.]
Young Dan
I think we need to go over the tradition of the spirit stick. You see, since the camp began...
TMr. Tedesco
Look at my face! It's swollen and ugly!
Young Dan
Let's be fair, you weren't exactly a looker before.
TMr. Tedesco
The whole point of the spirit stick is that it is supposed to be brute force, not subterfuge or tactical superiority! You cheated... you cheated and therefore [tossing the broken spirit stick] tarnish the sanctity of the spirit stick! Warriors!
[The Warriors kick the door of the Papoose Pavilion open and enter]
TMr. Tedesco
Show the Papooses what we do to sanctity tarnishers!
[The Warriors beat up the Papooses.]
[last scene of the series]
Young Dan
You know what? I was wrong about summer camp. I had a blast.
Yeah, but now I'll never win a camp award.
Young Dan
I wouldn't be too sure, buddy. Here. I made this for you. [gives a box to Young Chris]
[last lines] Thanks, Dan.
[as Young Chris and Dan walk away, the story ends as Elise picks up BEST SIDEKICK AWARD while Chris is eating an apple and Dan relaxing, ending the series]
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
