Dan[while walking through town] You don't tell me what the plan is, I tell YOU what the plan is. Huh. I have that same poster. And I have that exact foosball table. Weird. [sees two people dressed up as Dan] Wait a minute! [he runs to his apartments] Unhand my cat, you wretch!
OOld Lady
[falls down through the stairs] Oh, my poor old lady hip!
Dan
[angrily arrives at his apartment] You!
Hey, Dan. I figured that since you can't tell the difference between your stuff and my stuff.
Dan
You gave everything away? Even my box of Dan's special memories?
All of it. How does that feel? [Dan angrily throws the grende to Chris] Was that a grenade? [Dan attacks and chokes him but he throws Dan off of him] Congratulations, Dan. Now your apartment is as bleak and empty as your soul. Have a nice day!
Dan
Chris is going to get his! I don't care if he DID leave me with my cereal and milk. [eats his cereal and milk but he realize it was cream] What? Oh, no! Oh you no good, rotten- uurrgghh! [lands on the floor] Mr. Mumbles You have to kill me. Please. I don't know how! Just do it!
[Dan dresses up as a burglar at Chris and Elise's garage with a grenade]
Dan
Come on, lucky hand grenade. Don't fail me now. Whup! [he drops the grenade to the floor]
[comes in to the garage] Hello? Is someone in here? [the lights turn on as he stand on the letter X] Huh. Was this X always that big? Where did all this stuff come from? [he turns the light on and off, as the grenade gets stuck in the machine causing a disaster] Uh Elise? [runs off]
Dan
What I wouldn't give for 6 gallons of hummus right now.
[comes in his and Elise's room] Uh, honey? I don't want to alarm you, but where do we keep the fire extinguisher?
EElise
It's under the--wait, why!?
[Chris and Elise head down to the garage with the fire extinguisher to spray the fire as Dan gets the grenade out of the machine]
Dan
Come on, you stupid- [takes the grenade out] Finally! [he leaves but is stopped by Elise and Chris]
Dan
Uh-oh.
[the fire truck sirens as the fire fighters are spraying down the garage while Elise's parents stop by to Chris and Elise's house]
EElise
Dan happened. He was setting some kind of trap and burned our garage down.
And Chris, you didn't get shipped anywh-uh. Are you okay?
EElise
I'm not fine, Chris. I don't care if you have to cut the ray gun in half, you need to settle this now!
You're right, Elise. The answer's been staring me in the face all along. You won't have to worry about this anymore.
Dan's house. To end this. [he angrily leaves as Elise's parents are shocked]
After all I've done for you! [whacks Dan in the face] You burn my house? [whacks Dan] For the last time, you can’t have my toy! [whacks Dan in the face 3 times]
Dan
[angrily] IT'S! [grabs his weapon] MY! TOY!!! [throws Chris, Dan presses the shock button, electric plug pops up, he hits the ground and shocks Chris and punches him off the cliff]
Wake up! It's getting good.
[Dan goes to Chris who is holding on the ledge as Elise runs up, Dan tries to finish him off, sees flashbacks from "Barber", "Magician", and "Wolf-Man", flashback ends]
Dan
What are we doing?
Last I checked, you were about to send me plummeting to my death.
Dan
[drops the weapon off the cliff] You don't get off that easy. Give me your hand. [Chris grabs Dan's hand and he is saved]
Dan
I was going to. But then I thought, "Nah, I'm going home". We'll talk about this tomorrow.
[rain stops and sun rises]
[Chris arrives at Dan's apartment and finally gives his Death Ray Gun to Dan]
Here, Dan. A Death Ray should never come between friends. I want you to have it.
Dan
Really?
Dan
Thanks, Chris. This means a lot. I don't really have anywhere to put it, though. My Dan's box of special memories! You didn't give it away after all.
Nope. I couldn't bring myself to. Hey, they're doing a 25th anniversary screening of Space Monkeys tonight. You want to go?
Dan
You bet, buddy. [Chris closes the door, then he puts his Death Ray Gun in his locker along with the grenade, and then puts his box of special memories under the bed] Ah, there's nothing quite like friendship, is there, Mr. Mumbles? [Mr. Mumbles meows while Dan is in the bathroom] Huh. What's this X doing on the floor? Oh, no. [gets caught by a trap in the bathroom] Oh, come on!
[one week later, Dan arrives at Siberia by Elise's parents]
FBFun Boss
Welcome to new job, Yankee pig-dog! [laughs] I am fun boss!
Dan
I'm in Siberia, aren't I?
FBFun Boss
Da. You make ball bearings now. Here is chisel. Here is metal cube. You make like this!
Dan
I never catch a lucky break. I should be home in bed right now.
[at Dan's apartment, Mr. Mumbles wakes up and heads to the bathroom as the grenade explodes Dan's bed, he meows as the episode ends]
[Dan walks inside Wild Wesley's Family Saloon and Ice Cream Parlor]
LLady
Welcome to Wild Wesley's Family Saloon and Ice Cream Parlor. Y'all want a table or a booth?
Dan
Fun? A saloon is supposed to be dangerous. A place where men risk death just to order a drink.
Ooh! Root beer floats! [Dan drags him out]
AAmber
I know how you're feeling, Dan. We've all been there too.
Dan
Oh, sure. Cute girls with PhD's have all the problems.
AAmber
Everyone has anger. Right guys?
BBert
I beat up the Dalai Lama.
AAmber
The trick is learning to control your rage, so it doesn't control you.
Dan
Sounds unsatisfying. How about instead, we all go in on a flamethrower? Who's with me?
AAmber
Maybe it's a little early to jump right into group. Let's start with some basic psychological testing.
Dan
They're going to put us in a maze and make us find cheese. If we don't do it in time, they zap us with electricity. [leaves]
[outside] What kind of cheese?
Dan
Sup? SUP! [talking to the mummy] You broke into my apartment, messed with my Mr. Mumbles and stole my personal toiletries, that's what's up! Get him, Chris!
Dan
Because you're the Chris.
MMummy
Look, I don't want any trouble.
Dan
Do I have to do everything?
MMummy
Hey, hey, ow, what the heck, bro?
[Dan puts the mummy back in the mummy box and tapes it]
Dan
There! Vengence, thy name is Dan.
Dan
Sure. Hold these.
Dan
Because if I get caught with them, I'll go to jail.
MMummy
I dunno, I just got excavated, you guys seemed cool. I thought we could hang.
Dan
Hang! Hang! You stole my toilet paper!
MMummy
Yeah, bro. My bad. Though you can't really blame that on me though, you're the only one in a hundred miles with rolls of Egyptian cotton just laying around. I needed a touch up.
[Dan and Chris arrive to work]
Chris and Dan, reporting for duty.
Dan
I demand a raise.
BThe Boss
Cute. Okay, here's the deal: People are past due on their magazine subscriptions. You call them and tell them to pay up. Think you monkeys can handle that?
Dan
Who are you calling a monkey?! [cut to him at the workplace] Stupid boss Call ME names? [Chris is humming while he's doing his work] Chris, I'm leaving. I can't work for someone who treats me like an idiot. [he reads at his message on the computer] Oh. That's it! [he angrily heads to his boss' office]
BThe Boss
Aw, office monkey look upset. Office monkey want a banana?
Dan
No, office monkey want- Now, stop that! Just give me my $18 and I'll be on my way.
BThe Boss
$18? You make $9 an hour, and you've been here for 5 minutes.
Dan
Pain and suffering.
BThe Boss
You leave now, I'll make sure you never get another temp job. Which means you're getting evicted, Dan.
Dan
How did you know about
BThe Boss
Look, I am in the middle of nothing, actually. But that's still more interesting than talking to you. Get out of my office.
Dan
[angrily heads out of his boss' office, throws papers over the air as Chris is filing them, picks up a trash can and drops the papers on the floor, and goes outside yelling] BOSS!!!
Dan
Dan's log, 1:03:27 of my imprisonment I have escaped my cell, and am now gathering intelligence. [narrating] First, I have discovered that one can spend great amounts of time in the restroom without arousing suspicion. Though unfortunately, there are limited time-killing activities to be had there. Perhaps not surprisingly, the longer I stay in the bathroom, the less likely anyone is to ask "why" upon my return. So far, my best camouflage has been simply sitting at my desk, staring at the computer screen.
BThe Boss
That's what I like to see. Work smarter, not harder.
Dan
[narrating] Though it's very easy to lose consciousness. [puts his head down and screams] Finally, crude weapons can be forged from the materials at hand and it does provide some passing amusement to use my fellow office drones for target practice. [whispers] Hey! [aims the rubber band ball at the worker] However, those that share my dismal situation are the enemy. There is one enemy, and she is-
BThe Boss
[pops up behind Dan] Right behind you.
Dan
[scared] Whaa!
BThe Boss
Get back to your desk!
Dan
[pops up at Chris' work area] I'm going over the wall.
Dan
Catch me! [he falls down on Chris as the computer unplugs]
[feeling his stomach] Can't breathe!
Dan
I'll send you a postcard from freedomville! [crawls away]
[when Dan is trying to find a way to escape, he finds The Boss standing in front of him]
Dan
Ow, Hey!
BThe Boss
Can you explain why I found these in the trash can? [drops the files on the floor]
Dan
Yes, I can. I threw them away because I didn't feel like filing them. [The Boss steps on his hand] Ow!
BThe Boss
I really should get rid of you, but some part of me enjoys watching you suffer here.
Dan
Ow!
BThe Boss
So I'm going to give you one more chance.
[Dan is on the phone having a split screen chat with a dumb costumer]
Dan
Hello, sir. You are past due on your payment for "Rat Fancy" magazine.
DCDumb Customer
So what? I ain't payin'. You go ahead and cancel my prescription.
Dan
Yes sir, but we still need to collect payment on the issues you've received.
DCDumb Customer
Nuh-uh. I said CANCEL MY PRESCRIPTION, you idiot!
Dan
Subscription.
DCDumb Customer
Don't you correctify me! [hangs up]
[Dan press the redial button, and talks to the dumb costumer again]
Dan
Listen up, brain trust. I have your address. Do you understand what that means? I know where you live. Where you sleep. [yelling] AND I WILL FIND YOU, YOU MOUTH BREATHER, AND WHEN I DO, I WILL RAM MY FIST... DOWN YOUR INCOMPREHENSIBLY STUPID... THROAT!
Dan
[still yelling] I WILL GRAB YOUR LARGE INTESTINES... RIP THEM OUT OF YOUR BODY, AND I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM! [he realizes that everyone is starting at him and The Boss is standing behind him] Ah, personal call.
[answer his phone]Aw, nice.
Hi, gorgeous. What do you want to do for dinner tonight?
Ah, the eternal question. I was thinking
Dan
[interrupts Chris' call] Ahem.
Dan
Hey! The rules about personal calls are clearly spelled out in the employee handbook. You can have your phone back at the end of the day.
[takes Chris' phone away from him] But--
Dan
If you can't be trusted to work in your cubicle. [walks with Chris to the file cabinet] A comes first, then B. Just like the song. Think you can figure it out?
Dan
I heard that!
Dan
[after The Boss was defeated] Quitting time. [he and Chris leave the workplace] On the bright side, looks like we can sleep in tomorrow.
Hey, thanks for not sacrificing me to your demon overlord.
Dan
No problem, buddy. I just wonder how I'm going to make rent this month.
You know, Dan, I think I can spot you. It's the least I can do.
Dan
It really is. [he and Chris drive home while the workplace is caught on fire as the episode ends]
Dan
[yelling] YOU DID THIS, YOU SWINDLER!!
MMMechianic Mike
I was trying to tell you something like this could happen. Now if we can calm down and discuss this like rational adults.
Dan
[yelling] I WILL DROWN YOU IN BARBECUE SAUCE AND HAVE CHRIS EAT YOUR BODY!!
You shouldn't just automatically assume I'd be up for that!
Dan
You are so selfish! There's no "I" in "friend," Chris.
Hey, you want me to fix your car or what?
Dan
Absolutely not! Since it appears my friend has developed a sudden aversion to cannibalism...
Dan
Then I will simply have to take my business elsewhere!
You know anyone else will charge you twice what I do.
Dan
[yells] BLOCKED AT EVERY TURN!
Maybe we can take it to the dealer?
Dan
The closest one's in Manila.
And it closed twelve years ago.
Oh. Can you even fix this?
Sure, but it's not going to be cheap. The thromdibulator's shot, and I can see from here it took the Oscillation Overthruster with it. You see?
Dan
Well, sure. Any child could see it's the thromdibulator.
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
