Due to a new school board edict, we will not be running ball-handling drills today. We will be building empathy. Do you know what empathy is, Butt-head?
Uh, is that, like, something to do with ball-handling?
SHUT UP! Empathy. Empathy is when you feel what someone else is feeling. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
SHUT UP! Now, you will take these self-esteem worksheets, and you will make copies.
Uh, you mean, like, with the copy machine?
Yes, but let me be clear. You will only copy the worksheet. You will not copy your butts again. Do you understand, Beavis?!
SSapphire
Come on Crystal, no one's here. Let's try the basketball courts. I know a couple of dealers who hang out there.
CCrystal
Hang on, I think I see just what we need. [notices Beavis, jittery from the energy drink] That guy is tweaking for sure! [approaches the boys] Are you holding, sugar?
Wow, yeah! Yeah I am holding! See? Yeah. I am holding.
CCrystal
That's great sugar, 'cause I really need to score.
CCrystal
I need you to come with me though, is that alright?
Yeah. We can do this wherever you want, baby.
Oh yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
CCrystal
Great. [they approach the van] Just get in the van.
Whoa! Is she gonna do it too?
CCrystal
Hell yeah, she just can't get enough!
CCrystal
Hey y'all, this here's Beavis and Butt-head.
GGary
Yes! The stars of the party are here!
Whoa! These guys already know we're porn stars.
Yeah! And we haven't even done it yet!
GGary
Now we can start! Tim, Do you have everything fixed yet?
TTim
I'm trying! I told you, we really needed a dual-bed HD streaming router.
GGary
And I told you we don't have enough money. It was either go to the office supply store, or get drugs. I made an executive decision, and I stand by it.
GSGary's Mom
[knocking on the door] Gary? What are you and your friends doing in there?
GSGary's Mom
Do you and your friends want some sandwhiches?
GGary
SHUT UP!!! [locks the door] Man... [laughs jovially] I love crank! Especially chasing that white dragon. What exactly you guys holding? Break it out!
Uhhh... you wanna see my crank?
Yeah, um, I don't show my "white dragon" to dudes. Sorry.
Uh, you've never shown it to chicks either, dumbass.
Oh yeah, but I don't show it to dudes on purpose, know what I'm saying? Not even in the gym.
SSapphire
Come on, guys, break out the stuff!
TTim
Yeah. This better be good stuff, better than the dual-band router I was gonna get.
CCrystal
Break out the drugs!
Uh, what are you talking about? We don't have any drugs.
GGary
I thought you said you found someone!
SSapphire
She probably did it all behind our backs!
Uh, so what you think, guys? Can you see yourself driving this car?
Yeah, I can see that. That would be cool! I bet we could score.
Yes, yes, definitely my friend. I must congratulate you both, you picked a very good day to buy a car.
So you can see the price is $3000, but let's talk, you know? Tell me, what will it take to get you into this car today?
Uhhh, you said something about zero?
Yeah, that'll work. Zero point zero.
Heh heh heh, I don't think my manager would go for that, but maybe I could give you, you know, maybe $500 off this price. It's good.
Uh, you're gonna give us $500 to take the car?
Yeah, yeah! Cool! We'll take it!
Uh, no! No! That's not what I meant. No, I cannot do that. No.
I don't know, Butt-head. Are we still okay at zero?
Uhh, I don't know. A free car doesn't sound so great after he was gonna give us $500 to take it.
Wait, wait, no. I did not ever say-
I don't know, Butt-head, I mean, you know zero dollars for a car, you know, I mean that's not bad.
Damn it, Beavis, gas is expensive. Uh, I'll take like, $250 from you to take this car, but that's like, my final offer.
[after returning the crashed car] Eh, I am very sorry. They crashed the car.
DDealer
I'll deal with you later. Boys, looks like you've just bought yourselves a car.
Yeah, this one's all broken, and stuff.
Yeah. I can't see myself driving it anymore.
Yeah. We want a fresh one.
Uh, but I'm gonna have to ask you to give us a thousand dollars to take the new one.
Yeah, Hamid already agreed to give us $500 for the old one. Look at it now, you know?
DDealer
Whoa, hold on, here! That's not how it works. You gotta buy this car, or I'm gonna hold onto your licenses and contact your insurance company!
Uh, we don't have licenses.
Yeah, OR insurance company.
DDealer
[to Hamid; infuriated] You DIDN'T get their licenses and proof of insurance?! You're fired! And you two, get off my lot, and don't let me ever see you here again!
[both Beavis and Butt-head have equipment for bounty-hunting and arrive at a post office]
Yeah. He's really down to Earth in person, you know?
Well, there's the pictures of the criminals. We need to kick their asses and haul them downtown. [eyeing portraits of the governor, postmaster general, and president Barack Obama] Look at them.
[grabs Obama's portrait and looks to a postal worker] Uh, excuse me, sir. Have you seen this man?
Any information can help, sir. You can like, remain anmonymous, too.
PWPostal Worker
Yeah, he's in Europe right now for a summit. [leaves]
Damn it, Europe's like way over in Russia or something.
[approaching Clifton Karate School] This is the place, Beavis.
This is a pretty crappy school.
Yeah, really. No wonder these kids joined a gang.
Yeah, so young. They had their whole lives ahead of them, you know? But we still have a job to do.
Yeah. A job to kick their asses. You ready, brah?
Yeah, shouldn't we pray? Dog always prays before they chase a skip.
Uh, oh yeah. Okay. [they bow their heads] Uh, God is great, God is good, and we thank him for our food. Okay, let's roll Beavis.
TATown Actor
Welcome to Prairie Falls. You lucky students have traveled back in time to a typical 19th century homesteading community. Come and meet my fellow townsfolk. [lets Beavis and Butt-head enter]
Uh, did that guy say something about like, traveling back in time? [they approach Van Driessen in 19th century attire]
Howdy, fair strangers. I am Tobias Van Driessen, a humble but hard working cobbler, who dwells in the cabin down by the old fork river.
Uh, how come Van Driessen's talking like a foreigner?
I don't know. Maybe we're in Mexico or something. Let's go find a TV.
TV? I know not what you talk of, for the year is 1832. Now come and watch us thresh wheat.
Uh, 1832? That's like, not now.
Aren't we more than that?
Whoa! Hey Beavis, check it out! Look at all these people! Maybe that dork was right. Maybe we did travel back in time.
Oh yeah, yeah. How did that happen?
Uh, maybe that bus broke the time-space cundominium?
Oh yeah, yeah, like in that movie, Back to the Future.
Oh yeah. Maybe we can score with your mom.
Hey Butt-head, since we traveled back in time a thousand years, does that mean that old dude is like, Van Driessen's dad or something?
Uh, oh yeah. He's old. [they approach a woman working a butter churn] Whoa! Come to Butt-head.
I do declare, working this pole is hard.
[whispering to the woman] You look familiar, were you at the Renaissance fair this summer?
Ah, I knew it! I'm Squire Robin! [to the class] Um, class? Why don't you run along and enjoy our simple way of life, m'kay? And take notes! [returns his attention to Megan]
This sucks. How come a wuss like that can score and we can't?
Um, how do you know he's gonna score?
Because Van Driessen was born, dumbass. Whoa! Hey Beavis, I just thought of something cool we could do! If we could stop that old wuss from scoring, Van Driessen will never be born. We'll never have to go to that stupid class again.
Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah! This is gonna be cool! I mean, or it was cool. I mean, in the past, I mean like after we do it, it's gonna be cool to think back upon.
MWMassage Worker
[angrily] Oh! Oh, them! Them! Get them! Go! Bad for business!
SGSecurity Guard
[walks over to Beavis and Butt-head] You're going to have to leave. You do not have the right to block a pedestrian area.
Uh, how come they get to block a "pedestranian" area?
SGSecurity Guard
Because they are running a business. Now move along. [leaves]
MWMassage Worker
[angrily] NOW YOU GO! YOU GO TO HELL!
[Beavis and Butt-Head become massagers in order to massage chicks]
[impersonating the massagers] Um, okay. Act Chinese, Beavis.
Um, "now you go! You go to hell! What hell you doing?" That's all the Chinese I know. Oh, wait a minute! "Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke."
That was pretty good, Beavis. [a lady comes] Whoa.
WWomen
[sighs] I'm having some upper back pain and on my neck, so if you could just work on that, that would be great.
[Butt-head gets ready to touch her, but the workers show up angrily and push him away]
MWMassage Worker
[angrily] WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING? YOU TRY AND TAKE MY BUSINESS?!
Uh, yeah. We wanna be massagers.
MWMassage Worker
[sees an obese man approaching] Okay, you two now massagers.
FMFat Man
Ugh. I'm ready. I need to get my circulation going. I got a real bad spell of the gout. Probably that shellfish I ate. [sits on the massage chair]
[the lady leaves]
MWMassage Worker
[points at the fat man] GET TO WORK!
Uh, let's get out of here. [a security guard and a janitor suddenly show up]
SGSecurity Guard
Hold on. Okay. Did you two have anything to do with taking this guy's tools?
MWMassage Worker
They here with us whole time. New employees! Massage this guy now.
SGSecurity Guard
The police are on their way. Do you work here, yes or no?
MWMassage Worker
Show him! Show him you not thief. You a massager! Massage!
[the cops show up]
Uh, yeah. We're massagers.
FMFat Man
Uh, I'm gonna need you to massage the fluid back up into my torso. Uh, then rub the extremities till they aren't so blue anymore. Now don't mind that smell. That's just the muscle eating the bone. Doctor said he's only heard of it this bad in cattle before. Looks like a table leg got caught in a wood chipper, don't it?
... Well, he does have boobs.
