Beavis and Butt-Head · Season 8
You two are the worst students this school has ever had. And now because of that No Child Left Behind law, we may lose our funding! Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
Uh... did you say something about a child's behind?
Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind! I heard him!
No wonder you're gonna lose your job.
You two are the worst students this school has ever had. And now because of that No Child Left Behind law, we may lose our funding! Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
Uh... did you say something about a child's behind?
Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind! I heard him!
No wonder you're gonna lose your job.
SHUT UP! How dare you!
Okay, let's all calm down for a moment. Now Beavis, Butt-head, because next week's standardized test is so important, we're going to use all of our best resources at Highland High School to help you prepare, m'kay?
It's a waste of time, they'll never get it! They're morons! They have the worst grades I've ever seen!
Well that just means that these boys have the most room for improvement. Remember, it's all about helping the children.
Yeah. Just keep them away from their behinds.
Yeah.
You see that?! Right there! That's what I'm talking about!
Uh, hey, you know, whatever you're into.
Low grades reflect a lack of goals.
Uh, I thought it was because we're stupid.
Yeah.
Not at all. So what do you want out of life?
Uh, I wanna score.
Yeah, with two chicks! And I want money, too! Yeah!
That would be cool.
What about your higher aspirations?
"Ass."
Whoa, you're into behinds too? You and McVicker should hang out.
[as teachers are giving their lectures] Whoa! I just got something!
[The teachers, hopeful that Butt-head has actually learned something of what they taught, give him their full attention.]
... Number two pencil! Number two.
Oh, yeah!
Number two.
It's a poop pencil!
Hey Todd, where's my money?!
I don't have it, bitch.
What'd you call me?!
Bitch!
What'd you call me?! [is punched unconscious by Todd, who runs away]
Whoa! Beavis! We like, saw that.
I know! I know! Someday, we'll be able to tell our grandparents about this.
Hey Beavis, remember when Todd punched that guy out?
Yeah yeah, that's all I've been thinking about.
Yeah. That was cool.
It's cool, yeah. That's exactly what I was gonna say. [Todd suddenly shows up]
Listen up, guys.
Whoa!
Speak of the devil.
Yeah, this is weird, because like, we were just talking about-
SHUT UP! Now look, the cops busted me for punching that guy, and now they're bringing me to trial for assault. It really sucks, because I was totally acting in self-defense. But I don't have to tell you, you were the only witnesses. So you know the truth, right?!
Uh, yeah. We know the truth.
Yeah. You kicked that guy's ass.
It was the coolest thing we have ever seen.
[Todd grabs Beavis and kicks Beavis]
That's not what you saw, douchbags! Tomorrow, some pig's gonna serve you a subpoena!
You said "sub-"
It's not funny, man! You better tell him exactly what you saw. It was just me defending myself. Get it?!
Uh, yup. Got it.
Got it.
You can count on us.
Let go.
[Todd leaves]
That was cool.
So um, what are we supposed to say? Like, he was defending himself?
Yeah. That guy had the nerve to ask Todd for the money he owed him, so Todd had no choice but to kick his ass.
Oh yeah, yeah. He kicked his ass. That reminds me, Butt-head. You have that two dollars that I loaned you?
Uh, I don't have it, bitch. [begins repeatedly punching Beavis]
Ow! Ahh! Butt-hole! Ow!
I'm defending myself. [continues punching Beavis]
Is the person who started the fight here in the court room today?
Uh, yeah. He's right there.
Would you point to him, please?
Uh, him. Todd. [both he and Beavis point to an infuriated Todd]
Yeah, we saw him kicking ass, your honor.
You said "you're on her."
Oh yeah, you're on 'er. Boy, nothing gets by you, Butt-head. You should be a lawyer.
[as Beavis and Butt-head walk by a women's health clinic being picketed]
[in a megaphone] Whores! Fornicators! Whores! Fornicators!
Uh, what is this place?
[giving Butt-head a pamphlet] Here ya are, son. You can read all about it.
Uh, no. [drops the pamphlet] Did you say there were whores in there?
Well boys, you tell me. Those women that are going in there have had sexual relations outside of a marriage, and that is the Bible definition of a whore. [returns to picketing] Whores! Fornicators!
Cool!
Yeah, yeah! Whores!
Whores!
Hold on a second. [chuckles] Now I do appreciate your enthusiasm, boys. It's wonderful to see young boys interested in doing the Lord's work. But I think you might be a little bit off on the tone. Now you just watch me. [angrily into his megaphone] WHORES! FORNICATORS! THE LORD COMMANDS YOU TO REPENT! [to Beavis and Butt-head] See that? That's how it's done.
Whoa! Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. If there's whores in there, this must be a whorehouse!
Oh yeah, yeah! Yeah! A whorehouse!
A whorehouse!
Yeah! You know, I always thought there should be a whorehouse here.
So that dude must have started his own whorehouse.
Yeah, yeah, wow. Why didn't we think of that? Damn it.
Whores! Fornicators! [gives a couple protest signs to Beavis and Butt-head] Here you go. You boys are gonna need a sign.
Yeah. We'll help you get the word out.
Yeah, yeah. We really appreciate what you're doing here, you know? It's just great.
[chuckles] Well I'm just glad there are people your age as passionate as I am about putting fallen women on the righteous path, boys. That's what we're all about here. [into his megaphone] Whores! Fornicators!
Yeah. On a path where they've fallen on my wiener.
[as Beavis and Butt-head approach the clinic]
We're finally gonna do it! It's really gonna happen!
[they are immediately blocked by a security guard]
Stop right there.
Uh, don't worry, dude, we're cool.
Yeah. You can just let us in.
Please step back onto the sidewalk.
Uh, we know the owner. So I'm gonna have to ask you to go ahead and step aside.
Yeah, just step aside. I don't have a lot of time. I'm busy.
If you do not step back onto the sidewalk, I will have to escort you off the property.
Escorts?
Have you done them already?
[as they approach a hotel] It won't be long now, Beavis. Soon we will hear her voice. This is gonna be cool.
It's a long walk, but you know, it's worth it.
Yeah.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
Okay. Get ready, Beavis.
[they enter an elevator]
[pushing a button] Pee...
Here she comes.
Going down. [the boys cackle]
Going down.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
P-1. Going down.
Going down.
Going down.
[a woman enters the the elevator]
Number two, please.
Number two.
[as they try to get help in the trapped elevator] Listen, I think that roof panel comes off. And we can get out that way. I'll get on top of you...
You'll what?
And we can build a three-way boost...
[as they cackle endlessly] Okay!
[annoyed] Hey!
Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
Three way.
HEY! Hey, shut up! [the boys immediately stop laughing] Okay, listen. Do you guys wanna have sex?
Uh, okay.
Yeah, yeah! I mean, if it's not too much trouble.
Okay, here's how we're gonna do it. One of you gets down on all fours, and the other gets on top of him in the same position.
Whatever you say, baby.
[Beavis gets down on all fours, with Butt-head getting atop of him]
Yeah, just like that! [she begins to climb Beavis and Butt-head]
Ow!
Alright, lady. Get on up there- ow. [the lady opens the roof panel and climbs out, leaving Beavis and Butt-head atop one another]
I can't believe our luck!
This is gonna be cool!
Hey, how's it going? Are you going down?
[comes in] Uh, yeah. P2 please.
P2, going down.
[after the elevator closes, Beavis presses buttons inside as it breaks down]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
