Coach Buzzcut quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Coach Buzzcut

(Reading Beavis and Butt-head's self written note) Please excuse Beavis and Butt-head from wearing althetic sip-otters. They were unable to buy them because of a national sip-otter shortage. Hell that's funny boys.

Coach Buzzcut

Accortding to the school press, you had no problem at all locating the necessary equipment.

Buzzcut

You are what you eat! You got three food groups, and they sure as hell ain't fries, Chips Ahoy, and Milk Duds! And you all wonder why your faces look like topographic maps of the Himalayas!

Buzzcut

Yyyyeessss! Do it again! do it HARD!

Buzzcut

All right, losers: remember, you're competing against other classess, and I'll be damned if my class is gonna lose!

Buzzcut

Soooo, Beavis and Butthead. I understand Mr. McVicker has made a little arrangement with you guys, yeah a little probation. You see, class, Beavis and Butthead here, are not allowed to laugh for a whole week. That's right, and if they do laugh, they'll be expelled and they'll have to go to Hope High School where they'll get their asses kicked on a daily basis by all the other delinquents! Ha ha ha!

Buzzcut

Well I was real glad to hear that because this is Sex Education week. That's right, Sex Ed week! [Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter] We're gonna be talking about the PENIS! We'll be talking about the VAGINA! Do you think that's funny, Butthead?! Do you find it amusing that we'll be talking about the testicles?! [Butt-head strans to hold in his laughter] Yes we're also gonna be talking about Venereal Disease. Sexual intercourse! The Scrotum. The Clitoris. And...And we will definitely be spending a LOT of time talking about MASTURBATION! [class giggles; Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter] Well, now that's out of the way, let's take roll. Butkis!

Here. Ha ha ha.

Buzzcut

Gaylord! Hymen!

Butt-head

Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh, huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh...

Beavis

Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...

Buzzcut

Are you a man?

Butt-head

Uhhh, yeah.

Buzzcut

What makes you think so?

Butt-head

Uhhh, I got testicles.

Buzzcut

You think that makes you a man? I'll show you a real man... kick me in the jimmy.

Butt-head

No way!

Buzzcut

I said do it!

Buzzcut

Yyyyeessss!!

Butt-head

Whoa, that was cool.

Buzzcut

[teaching Beavis and Butt-head how to urinate after they forget how] Okay boys! I'm gonna make this easy! On the count of one, unzip your pants! And one, unzip your pants! [Beavis and Butt-head laugh] On the count of two, take out your penises!

Beavis

Two's my favorite, heh heh.

Buzzcut

And two! On the count of three, start leaking! Three, let's go! LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK!

Butt-head

Huh huh huh.

Buzzcut

Okay, you wussies. You're gonna stand right there until you can get it right. And don't come out until you're done. [Buzzcut leaves]

Buzzcut

Listen up, morons. Some short-sighted federal appeals judge says I can't use this on you. [pats batton] But remember this: In this classroomm, I am the judge, the jury and the jailer!

Butt-head

[to Beavis] Does it hurt when I do this? [pokes the bite with the pointy end of a compass]

Beavis

OOOOW!

Butt-head

Huh, that was cool.

Buzzcut

Do you gentlemen have a problem? Do you wish to enlighten the class as to what is festering on your leg, Beavis?

Beavis

Heh, dog bite.

Buzzcut

Well. I thought you looked rabid, boy. Now listen close. Get the hell out of my classroom before you infect anyone else with your sickness! You stink of death! Butt-head! This man requires immediate medical attention!

Butt-head

...uh....

Buzzcut

HOSPITAL, Butt-head! On the double!

Butt-head

Yessss!

Buzzcut

Butthead, do you have an explanation for your inexplicable behavior?!

Uhh...I was dead? Uh huh huh.

Beavis

Heh heh. Yeah. He was dead. Heh heh.

Buzzcut

Butt-head, do you have an explanation for your inexplicable behavior?!

Butt-head

Uhh…I was dead?  Uh huh huh.

Beavis

Heh heh.  Yeah.  He was dead.  Heh heh.

Buzzcut

Do you or do you not have a reason for placing my life and my accreditation at risk?!

Butt-head

Uhh…I can't swim.  Uh huh huh.

Beavis

Yeah.  Heh heh.  Me too.

Buzzcut

And what about your patent disregard for Beavis!  Do you not care a rat's ass for the safety of your closest companion!?

Butt-head

Uhh…no.

Buzzcut

Now, Butt-head! You've waited your whole life to say this in class without getting in any trouble. Our topic for today is? [SEXUAL INTERCOURSE is written on the board]

[with mouth wired shut, unable to talk clearly] SEFUAL INTERCOWSE!

Buzzcut

Say it, you pantywaste! Say it!

[still muffled] SEFUAL INTERCOWSE!

Buzzcut

Get out of my class you insuboridnated maggot! Beavis! What does this say?

Beavis

[wearing unneeded glasses, cannot read] Uh...uh...uh...

Buzzcut

GET OUT!

Butt-head

Pole-vaulters. Baton Passers. Javelin throwers. [a javelin hits Beavis's hand. Beavis screams] Whoa. [Butt-head removes the javelin from Beavis] You dumbass. I'd warn you. [Buzz-Cut blows his whistle]

Buzzcut

All right, men! Hit the showers! Now!

Buzzcut

Where in the hell do you think you're going?

Butt-head

Uhhh... to class?

Beavis

Umm.. yeah, yeah, to class, me too.

Buzzcut

Maybe you didn't hear me when I told you to hit the showers!

Butt-head

Uhh, we thought you were like, talking to somebody else?

Buzzcut

I was talking to everybody!

Butt-head

But like, uhh... we didn't sweat.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's all the same sir, um, I'd just like to wait till I get home to take a shower. That'll be great.

Buzzcut

Look at you boy! You're covered in crap!

Beavis

Uhmmm... That was last week. This is blood, sir.

Buzzcut

Name of this class is Physical Education! And that includes proper personal hygiene! Hit the showers now, or fail!

Butt-head

Uhhh... Well, it looks kinda crowded in there.

Buzzcut

Do I have to undress you myself, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Uh, no?

Beavis

no?

Buzzcut

I am beginning to wonder if you boys have ever taken a shower in your lives. What in the hell do you think you're doing with your underwear still on?

Beavis

Um, we don't want anybody looking at our nads.

Butt-head

Yeah, are you one of those gym teachers that likes to hang out and watch dudes in the shower?

Buzzcut

Dammit, boys, you have pushed me to the limit! You're not getting out of it this time! I'm gonna tear your - [the fire alarm begins to go off] That's the fire alarm! Now hurry up and get out of here!

Butt-Head

Dude, we have been saved by the power supreme.

Beavis

Yeah, fire drills rule.

Buzzcut

Are you deaf? That's the fire alarm! Get the hell out of here now!

Butt-Head

Uhhh... We're just gonna like, get dressed first.

Beavis

We'll be right out. See you later.

Buzzcut

That is a FIRE ALARM! That means the school may be burning down! Now if you don't get the hell out of here, I'm gonna personally grab you by the grundies AND DRAG YOU OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY! SO GET THE HELL OUT! NOW!