BeavisSo yeah, God. That's what's going on with me. Also I can't see very good, and my pee is red. So um, what did I wanna ask you again? Um... it was um, oh yeah, yeah, um, can you like, make my nads bigger? Yeah, that would be cool.
HHallucination
Beavis, I am not God. I am a fever-induced hallucaination. You have rabies.
Beavis
Uh huh. Now that's cool and everything, God, but my nads, yeah, can you make 'em bigger?
HHallucination
Beavis, your nads are perfect just the way they are. And I am not God.
Beavis
Whoa, really? Wow, wow. Thanks God. I guess you're right! My body is pretty cool, you know, just the way it is. I don't know what I was so worried about, you know.
[as Beavis enters the house with a really bad sunburn on his back]
Whoa! That's like, the worst sunburn I ever saw.
Beavis
I know. It like, hurts and stuff.
I'm sorry, Beavis. That must be very painful. [pokes the sunburn]
Beavis
AHHHHH! Come on, don't touch my sunburn please.
Uhhh, okay. [slaps his sunburn]
Beavis
AHHHHHH!!!!
I didn't touch it, I slapped it.
Beavis
Damn it, Butt-head, cut it out!
Uhh, alright. [begins making buzzing sounds] Oh no, it's a mosquito.
Beavis
Oh no, where is it?
It landed on you, Beavis.
Beavis
Oh really? Could you like slap it or something? 'Cause I don't want it to bite me on my sunbur- [realizes] uh, wait NO! [is slapped by Butt-head] AHHHHHHH!!!!!
[Beavis enters a hardware store and approaches a paint associate]
Beavis
I was told someone in here could do a job for me.
AAssociate
Maybe. What kind of job we talking about?
Beavis
[hands him a picture] Here's a picture. It's from Butt-head's uncle's house.
AAssociate
Oh yeah. This really needs it.
Beavis
Yeah, yeah, I know! He slapped my sunburn and stuff.
AAssociate
Wow, now no offense, but you should have taken care of this years ago.
Beavis
Yeah really, yeah! No kidding.
AAssociate
You know how many square feet we're talking?
Beavis
I don't know, he's got like, two, you know. They're just like, normal foot shape. I don't know what you're...
AAssociate
2000? That's about right. Okay. Yeah, I can be there at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. The whole thing'll take about four days.
Beavis
Yeah, good! Yeah. I want it to be slow, yeah.
AAssociate
Oh, almost forgot. What color?
Beavis
Uh, I don't know. I guess, um, I guess white, or something?
AAssociate
Let me text my guys.
Beavis
I'm not racist, I just wanna kill my friend. Jesus Christ.
[when Beavis and Butt-head crawl out of their box into a landfill]
Whoa! Florida is even cooler than I thought.
Beavis
Yeah. Feels really good to be on the beach, you know? Boy, the ocean really smells terrible, doesn't it?
It's all the dumbass fish.
Beavis
So um, where are all the chicks, Butt-head?
Uh, I think they all sleep late 'cause they're tired from scoring all night.
Beavis
Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, right.
Well, when they wake up, they're gonna wanna see a gun show, so let's get down to it.
[they take their shirts off]
Beavis
Here we go! Come and get it. I'm just gonna lay down here and catch me some rays. [lays down] Oh yeah, this is the life- Ow! Ah! I got like a nail in my back!
This place just gets cooler and cooler.
Beavis
[as Butt-head trains him] Butt-head, I still can't figure out why you're having me buy all these nachos.
Uh, that's okay. I can't eat anymore. Okay, let's see what you've learned.
[they move to the gym floor]
Lesson one. [punches Beavis in the face]
Beavis
Ahhh! Ow!
You dumbass, you gotta hold your hands up to protect your face. Come on!
Beavis
Oh yeah yeah, yeah, like I'm paying for nachos, yeah. [holds his hands up]
Beavis
They sure are, yeah.
Good. [kicks him in the testicles]
Beavis
OWWWW!!!
You didn't learn anything.
DDoctor
So, you're interested in getting vasectomies?
Old Beavis
Yeah, I mean, you know, we wanna score, you know?
DDoctor
Well, let me walk you through the procedure. [grabs a diagram model of the male reproductive system] Your body generates sperm... [Beavis and Butt-head chortle] ... right here, in the testicles. [Beavis and Butt-head chortle more] Which are located here in the scrotum. [Beavis and Butt-head chortle more] It then travels through the vas deferens...
Old Beavis
Huh?
DDoctor
... on its way to the penis. [Beavis and Butt-head chortle again] And then through the urethra.
Old Beavis
Huh?
DDoctor
That's in the course of a normal ejeculation. [Butt-head chortles]
Old Beavis
[confused] Ummm...
That's like... [leans in and whispers to Beavis]
Old Beavis
Ooooh! [they both chortle] Ejeculation.
DDoctor
The procedure is simply to cut and seal the vas deferens right here, and then you should be able to return to your current level of sexual activity.
DDoctor
If you'd like, we can schedule your procedures for Monday. Any questions?
Old Beavis
Yeah, yeah, um, do you have one of those, but it's like, a chick? You know what I'm saying?
Old Beavis
Whoa! Now this guy is cool!
[as Beavis and Butt-head try to enter a bar]
Now hold on there, boys, this here's the Legion Hall, and we're having a special get-together for Flag Day. Service members only.
Old Beavis
Yeah, yeah, we're from America.
Well, I'm glad to hear it, but I'm talking about people who laid it all on the line for this great country. Were you in the service?
Uhhh... yeah. We did like, service.
Old Beavis
Thank you, drive through. Would you like the combo for a dollar more?
You boys wore the uniform?
Old Beavis
Yeah, we had to wear a uniform. There was a hat and everything, yeah.
Uh, it was like, a long time ago, but I remember that the training sucked, and it was always hot, and you never knew when a bunch of guys would be all on your ass.
Old Beavis
Yeah, and there was one time when the shake machine-
Enough said, boys. Save the war stories for your fellow servicemen. Come on in, and enjoy the company.
Old Beavis
Oooh yeah!
Say, have you all met Belvis and Bunhowzen here? They served in, uh... I guess it'd be the Desert Storm.
Old Beavis
Yeah, like I was saying, there's that one time when the shake machine-
Did Gilmore tell you the story about how he captured that there flag in Vietnam?
GGillmore
Well, we see roofing it through that godforsaken jungle, when all of a sudden the commies opened fire.
Old Beavis
Fire! FIRE!!! Yeah, FIRE!
VVeteran
You're still feeling it, ain't ya?
Yeah. He feels it all the time.
YVYoung Veteran
I got a buddy who was in Desert Storm. What battalion were you in?
Old Beavis
What?
YVYoung Veteran
I said, what battalion were you in?
What's your battalion number, boys?
Uh, 69. [he and Beavis chuckle]
Old Beavis
Yeah, that's it.
GGillmore
The Fighting 69th! You guys are they're real deal.
VVeteran
Must have seen a lot of action.
Well, when you're in the 69, you're gonna get plenty of action when it's going down.
[Beavis and Butt-head chortle uncontrollably]
GGillmore
They could lick anybody!
[they chortle even more]
VVeteran
I heard in Iraq, the 69 saw action from both sides at once.
Old Beavis
Yeah, yeah, that's why they call it that! Yeah yeah, here, I'll draw you a picture. Butt-head explained it to me once. See, the bottom of the six is the butt, and then the nine is like, the nads or something. I don't know.
[after Beavis knocks a caramel apple from Butt-head's mouth with a bat]
Beavis
Uh, what are those things that look just like your braces?
Wait a second... [goes to a car window, and sees his reflection, and that his braces have come off] ... I'm beautiful...
Beavis
Yeah, you really do look different without your braces, Butt-head.
That's because I'm hot now, Beavis.
Beavis
Oh yeah.
I mean, I was hot before, now I'm like, even hotter.
Beavis
Whoa! So um, so what's it like?
You know how it's like, cool when you see a chick's butt?
Beavis
Um, yeah, yeah.
Well, I'm like that now, Beavis. I'm like a chick's butt, but to chicks.
Beavis
Well, they managed to get most of your teeth back in, that's pretty cool.
Yeah, and now I have to wear these braces until I'm like, 25.
Beavis
Yup, and you still never scored.
That nurse said I'm still beautiful on the inside.
Beavis
Yeah, that means you're ugly, I think.
[after Butt-head suffers a heart attack and falls down the stairs]
Old Beavis
What's wrong?
[breathing heavily and straining] Pain... in my chest... I can't breathe...
Old Beavis
Yeah, that's cool, yeah.
Old Beavis
Oh, you know what you should do? You should spank your monkey. It'll feel like someone else is doing it.
Oh yeah, good idea... [tries to move] Ugh... I can't...
Old Beavis
Well that sucks. It wasn't cool.
Old Beavis
So do you remember that time when you threw us in your trunk by the railroad track?
Uhh, do you remember when you threw us in your trunk at the pool?
Old Beavis
What about the time when you threw us in your trunk by the creek? Remember that one?
... huh. I guess I do remember messing with a couple of losers who were always in my face.
Old Beavis
Yes! Yes! He remembers us!
Those were the happiest times of our lives.
Beavis and Butt-Head · 2,204 quotes