[as Beavis awakens in the hospital] You're awake. Good job.
Beavis[covering his groin] No no! [nothing happens] No, wait... aren't you gonna smack my nads?
Not until you're better, Beavis.
Beavis
Oh, okay, cool. Thanks, yeah...
Beavis
Not yet. I think they're like, giving me fluids...
OPOther Patient
Keep it down, I'm trying to sleep!
Shut up, buttmunch. This guy's balls are all messed up. If this wasn't a hospital, I'd make you take a bow.
Beavis
Um, Butt-head, I was wondering like, do you think it would cool to do it with an octopus?
Beavis
Yeah yeah, me neither. I don't know why I said that. That's weird.
Uh, Beavis... I'd probably laugh about it eventually, but it would have sucked if I killed you by hitting your nuts.
VDVan Driesen
George Washington and the founding fathers were farmers, m'kay? And the main crop they grew was tobacco.
Whoa! You can grow cigarettes?
VDVan Driesen
Well, no, but you can grow tobacco, m'kay?
[amazed] You can grow tobacco...
VDVan Driesen
Yes, tobacco is a plant. It grows from seeds like any other plant.
Beavis
Whoa! Cigarette seeds! That's cool.
VDVan Driesen
[sighs] Guys, it's April. We're supposed so be up to the Vietnam War. Now, as I was saying, tobacco was America's first cash crop.
Beavis
Yeah yeah, get cash and money!
Beavis, we've heard enough. Let's grow tobacco, and get cash money like that dumbass, George Washington.
[as Beavis and Butt-head pick up cigarette butts]
OMOld Man
It's good to see two young people cleaning up all the litter around here. There's a receptacle right over there, boys. [points to a cigarette disposal can]
Whoa! Cool. We're gonna be rich! [they begin stuffing their pockets with cigarette butts]
Beavis
I can't believe these dumbasses just left these around and didn't know they were seeds. They really suck at farming.
Beavis, everybody sucks at everything.
Beavis
You know, I wonder if George Washington ever scored.
Of course he scored, dumbass. He's rich, and he's got his own cigarette trees. You should think before you open your mouth once in a while. [Beavis eats a cigarette butt] Dammit, stop eating the seeds.
Beavis
Sorry, it's like, I ate one, and now it's like, I just can't stop, you know? It's like I'm addicted to seeds, you know what I'm saying?
[after they've destroyed a community garden, and emptied their trash can of cigarette butts]
Beavis
So um, when will they be ready?
Patience, Beavis. The cigarette tree takes many seasons to grow. [Beavis eats another cigarette butt] Uh, how many of those did you eat?
Beavis
I don't know. Probably like 80. [eats another one]
Dammit, Beavis, each one of those was gonna be a whole cigarette tree. You ate like 80 trees.
Beavis
Sorry, sorry. Just one more to help me relax. [eats more cigarette butts] I'll stop tomorrow.
Dammit, Beavis, now we gotta go find more seeds, or we're not gonna get rich enough.
Beavis
Oh yeah yeah. Good idea. I'm like, craving finding more seeds.
[after getting beat up by the community gardeners]
Beavis
That old lady kicked my ass so hard, the doctor said I have a tumor on my tongue. And it increased my risk of heart disease.
Beavis
And also like, a low fetal birth weight or something. I don't know.
Well we certainly learned a lesson today.
Beavis
Yup, we sure did.
The reason George Washington is dead is some old ladies kicked his ass and gave him cancer.
Beavis
And that's why we're the greatest country on Earth.
[as their car gets towed] Uh, what's the problem, officer?
PPolice Officer
Well, your car's impounded. You have over $500 in unpaid parking tickets.
Old Beavis
In our defense, officer, parking sucks.
Okay Beavis, we need to find where they give you your license back. [they look at a long line for a driver's license] Uh, that line sucks.
Old Beavis
[they look at a long line for a firearms license] Yeah, that's gonna take forever.
[they see no line at the office for a marriage license] There's no line at that one.
Old Beavis
Yeah, let's go there.
[they enter the office]
JJanice
Well congratulations! And how's your day going so far?
Old Beavis
Yeah, we just wanted to go to Burger World, but then our neighbor yelled at us, and called us creeps. And then this cop was like, "You and your kind need to get off the streets."
JJanice
Oh, you poor, sweet, beautiful men. How can people be so cruel?
I know. We're just like, two guys trying to live our lives.
Old Beavis
Yeah, but sometimes, it just feels like the whole world is against us. You know what I'm saying?
JJanice
Well I just know there's gonna be a lot of broken hearts when a couple of hot bachelors like you go off the market.
Uh, did you just call us hot bachelors?
JJanice
Yes sir, I did, and you are, but not for long! How does getting married sound?
Whoa! Uh, you wanna marry us?
JJanice
Yes I do, if you're ready.
Uh, excuse me, ma'am. I need to talk to Beavis for a second. [they leave the counter]
Old Beavis
Um, what's going on?
Don't you see what's happening here, Beavis? She wants a three-way with us!
Old Beavis
Whoa, really?!
Yeah. But she's like, old-fashioned, so we have to get married to her first.
Old Beavis
Is that legal for her to have, like, two husbands?
Who cares, Beavis? By the time they arrest us, we'll have already scored.
Old Beavis
Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, I'd go to jail for that, yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oing! [they return to the counter] We're ready to get married.
This is the happiest day of my life.
Old Beavis
You know, I always thought being married was gonna be weird, but it's not bad.
You know, Beavis, we should have gotten married years ago.
NNeighbor
Wait, you guys are married?
Yep. It just happened like, all of a sudden.
Old Beavis
Yeah, we were down at the courthouse, you know, and one thing led to another.
[as Beavis and Butt-head watch a sad student get hugged by a girl]
Beavis
What's she doing that for?
Uh, I think maybe chicks like guys who have like, emotions and stuff.
Beavis
I have emotions. Like when I eat french fries, I have the emotion of like, "these french fries taste really good," you know?
Uhh, I think they have to be like, sad emotions.
Beavis
Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, that's how they get you. Always something.
Wait a second, Beavis. We should like, start being all sad. Then chicks will like us, and then we'll score.
Beavis
Yeah, that's a great idea, Butt-head! Yes! I think we're finally gonna score- [Butt-head slaps him] Ah!
Quit being happy, dumbass! You're gonna ruin it.
Beavis
Oh yeah yeah yeah, sorry about that. Won't happen again.
[as Beavis and Butt-head are participating in a therapy exercise that requires them to hold hands]
TTherapist
Super. The purpose of this exercise is to show that...
Beavis
This really sucks, Butt-head.
Beavis
Yeah, me too.
[as Beavis, infected with rabies, drools on the couch]
Dammit, Beavis, you're getting your gross drool on my side of the couch now.
Beavis
Ahh! AHHH!!!
Shut up, dumbass. [slaps Beavis, only to immediately be tackled, scratched, and attacked by Beavis; he manages to get away] Beavis, I'm just gonna go ahead and kick your ass some other time-
Beavis
AHHHHH!!! [Butt-head screams and runs away]
Beavis and Butt-Head · 2,204 quotes