Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Bad news, pussies. Since you guys went in the shit pipe, there's been a downturn in the plumbing business. You're fired.

Old Beavis

Well, at least we helped you out, you know?

Uh, you didn't. I just made you touch a lot of shit.

Old Beavis

Cool, um, so you're gonna pay us, right?

No, I'm not gonna do that.

Old Butt-head

Yeah, Beavis. He's not gonna do that, dumbass.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head! BUTT-HEAD, BUTT-HEAD!

Butt-head

What? WHAT?!

Beavis

Come here, quick! [to himself] This is cool. Butt-head, come here, quick!

Butt-head

Uh! [he flushes the toilet and rushes over to the couch] What?

Beavis

Cool! Check this out Butt-head, this is cool!

Butt-head

Uhhhhhh, is there a naked chick?

Beavis

No, but check it out, this is cool!

Butt-head

It is?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Oh wait, check it out!

Butt-head

Beavis, what are you talkin' about?

Beavis

Well check it out, see, see?! This guy has a like, one of those dog things on his neck! That's cool! Yeah! Then check this out, check this out, this guy's about to stab this guy, see, he's got a spear! He's chasin' him, YEAH, YEAH, GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM! YES, YES!

Butt-head

Damn it, Beavis.

Beavis

This is so cool! Yes, yes!

Butt-head

You got me out of the bathroom to see a dog collar?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! It's pretty cool, huh? Yeah.

Butt-head

What's wrong with you, Beavis?

Beavis

Ummm, I don't know!

Beavis

Whoa! Cool! This RULES! It rules! Yeah, YES! Yeah! Hey Butt-head, now check this out, see, check it out, this guy's chasin' him, STAB HIM, STAB HIM! Yeah.

Butt-head

Damn it, Beavis! You're not supposed to get me out of the bathroom unless it's like a naked chick or something.

Beavis

Yeah, but even like, if this video really does suck, I bet you forgot to wipe!

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis!

...but a .357 gonna blow your damn head off!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, what's a 357?

Butt-head

Uh...that's like when someone turns all the way around in a circle when they're like slam-dunking or something.

Butt-head

If I was a clown, I'd make it so like my head would explode when you pull my finger, and all this crap would like fly out of my head and land on other people and stuff.

Beavis

Yeah. If I was a clown, I'd go to all the parties, and like eat all the cake, and take stuff home with me.

Butt-head

That's what you do at parties anyway, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah, but then I'd be a clown, so I'd like have all these big shoes and stuff, so it'd be different.

Butt-head

If I was a clown, I'd kick your ass, Beavis, until it's beet red and I'd say, [Clown-like voice] "Look, kiddies! Look at his butt!"

Beavis

Yeah, and then I'd say, "Thanks for coming to the show. Hope you had a good time. See you next time."

Butt-head

Yeah. That would be cool.

Butt-head

Did you know that in California, any chick will do it with you?

Beavis

Really? You mean, like, all the girls are SLUTS?

Butt-head

Yep.

Beavis

Whoa, that is cool! Yeah, yeah, let's go!

Butt-head

You know, another thing about California, is that all the dudes there looks like Kato Kaelin.

Beavis

He seems like a great guy, you know?

Butt-head

Yeah. That's how come, you know, everyone just lets him live at their house, like OJ Simpson. He goes "You know, you're a great guy. Why don't you come on over and stay a while?"

Beavis

I'd let him crash here because, like, he's such a great guy.

Butt-head

Yeah. What a great guy.

Beavis

Except he kinda looks like the ass end of a dolphin.

Butt-head

Yeah, he does, sort of. But that's okay. Because he's cool.

Beavis

I wonder if A.I. could help us score.

Butt-head

Of course it can, dumbass. If it can destroy jobs and homework, it must score all the time.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, what's that stuff we took from the army guy?

Butt-head

Uh, let's see. [tries to read a label of mace] Ma- mas... masay? Masay. It must be from France or something.

Beavis

Yeah, cool, yeah. Mahseur! Mahsoir!

Beavis

I can't find the spray hole. [looks closer] Let's see... oh yeah. [about to spray the mace]

Butt-head

Wait, Beavis, stop!

Beavis

What is it? What?

Butt-head

You said "hole."

Beavis

Oh yeah, I guess I did. Thanks Butt-head. That was close.

Beavis

Um Butt-head, is cologne supposed to hurt?

Butt-head

Yeah, dumbass. That's how you know it's working

Beavis

Yeah, but my face feels all hot and stuff, and it hurts to see things.

Butt-head

Well, nobody said scoring was gonna feel good.

Beavis

Oh yeah, that's true. I'm gonna score no matter how much it sucks!

Old Butt-head

Well, back to the daily grind.

Old Beavis

Yup. Cash the unemployment check, buy beer, drink it, fall asleep on the couch. Still can't seem to get ahead.

Now you went into what's called anaphylactic shock. You're lucky it only took an hour for someone to find you and call 911.

Beavis

Yeah, that's cool, yeah.

I think you may have had an adverse reaction to nuts.

Beavis

[cackling] Nut. Yeah I like to nut. It's one of my passions, you know what I'm saying? Nut...

Now, did you have any nuts today?

Beavis

As a matter of fact, I did. It was in the shower. You know, I kinda use the shower curtain and some conditioner, you know?

Huh. How often are you having nuts?

Beavis

Oh, I don't know. Sometimes like, four or five nuts a day or something.

And when you have a nut, how do you feel?

Beavis

Oh well, you know, good. That's why I do it.

Interesting.

Beavis

These questions are weird.

I'm afraid what's happening here is you're allergic to nuts.

Beavis

What?

It appears to be a very serious nut allergy. I'm gonna need you to cut out nuts altogether.

Beavis

No way! Are you serious?

Very. If you have another nut, you could die.

Beavis

No! NO!

You're gonna be okay. As long as you are very careful to avoid nuts.

Beavis

Can I have a nut if it's with a chick?

Absolutely not.

Beavis

This sucks! What if I nut on accident because Megan Pisarchik bends over or something?!

Look, you just have to be very careful. I would avoid even touching a nut.

Beavis

Well I don't wanna do that. That's disgusting.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm allergic to nuts myself, and I haven't had a nut for over 20 years.

Beavis

Why would that make me feel better?! That you're a wuss?! Goddammit!

It drives my wife crazy because she loves nuts, but can't have them in the house.

Beavis

This is the worst day of my life! Damn it!

Beavis

[severely depressed] Butt-head, I can never spank my monkey again... and I can never score, or I will die.

Butt-head

Uh, really?

Beavis

Yes, it's true.

Butt-head

Uh, then I guess your nads are only good for one thing, Beavis.

Beavis

What's that? [Butt-head kicks him in the testicles] AHHHH! Why do they still have to hurt?!

Hey, are you okay? Your name's Baxter, right?

Beavis

Eh, it doesn't matter.

I just joined the Highland Teen Outreach program, and you look like you might be depressed.

Beavis

Yeah. The doctor gave me some very bad news. Very bad.

Oh no, the same thing happened to my aunt because she smoked.

Beavis

Your aunt can't spank her monkey?

Old Beavis

There's Stewart's house. Goddamn dirty butthole. Stewart, son of a bitch... he stole my bike.

Old Butt-head

That's right, he sure did. When he opens this door, you should kick his ass.

Beavis and Butt-head? You finally came over to visit!

Old Beavis

Damn you, Stewart! I'm gonna kick your ass, because you stole-

Do you wanna come in for a beer?

Old Beavis

A beer? Yeah okay, yeah yeah. Yeah, that sounds pretty good, sure. Beer would hit the spot.

This is what it's all about, right? Beers with your best friends from high school. I mean, I'm not a big drinker, but Caitlyn made some of her famous cucumber-water-

Old Beavis

Is there anymore beers?

No, uh, sorry guys, I think that's it-

Old Beavis

That's enough, Stewart! There's a time in a man's life when he's not gonna take it anymore! So today, I am gonna kick your fatass-

This is just like old times. Let's get some pizza!

Old Beavis

Yeah, yea, pizza sounds cool, yeah. Okay, yeah. Buy us some pizza.

Man we had some good times. Hey, remember when you locked me in the closet and forgot I was in there? You guys. Always giving me the business-

Old Beavis

Shut up, butthole! It's finally time to kick your ass!

[the door opens] Oh! Caitlyn's home from the pool.

Old Beavis

Okay, yeah, let's check out what your wife looks like in a bathing suit. That'll be cool, yeah.

Old Butt-head

Ooh! Good idea.