Todd Ianuzzi quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Where's the pre-schoolers at who parked their sucky little trikes in my spot?

Get the door, you turds. And remember: act dumb. Oh, and bring some of those marshmallow crackers next time, or I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass!

Aw, Dammit! My good jeans.

  Aw, damn it!  My good jeans.

Listen squirt, you better get in there and get me some smokes before today's lesson turns into Ass-kicking 101.

If my arm weren't so sore from my new tattoo, I'd smear both your asses all over the parking lot.

Beavis

Whoa, heh heh, cool.

Give me those nachos and those fruity whips and I might not shove these handle bars up your butt.

Butt-head

Err, Okay.

You pre-schoolers are dead! You made me spill beer all over my jeans!

Butt-head

Do you want me to kick Beavis' ass for you?

That won't be necessary, man.

So, Beaver...

Beavis

The name's Beavis, sir.

Well excuse me, Beaver.

Now get in there and get me some smokes.

Beavis

Are you sure I should be doing this?

What did you say?

Beavis

I said are you-

Butt-head

Woah. What happened, uh, son?

It seems that little Beaver here ran afoul of some asphalt.

Butt-head

Uh huh huh....asphalt.

Hey Todd, where's my money?!

I don't have it, bitch.

What'd you call me?!

Bitch!

What'd you call me?! [is punched unconscious by Todd, who runs away]

Butt-head

Whoa! Beavis! We like, saw that.

Beavis

I know! I know! Someday, we'll be able to tell our grandparents about this.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, remember when Todd punched that guy out?

Beavis

Yeah yeah, that's all I've been thinking about.

Butt-head

Yeah. That was cool.

Beavis

It's cool, yeah. That's exactly what I was gonna say. [Todd suddenly shows up]

Listen up, guys.

Butt-head

Whoa!

Beavis

Speak of the devil.

Butt-head

Yeah, this is weird, because like, we were just talking about-

SHUT UP! Now look, the cops busted me for punching that guy, and now they're bringing me to trial for assault. It really sucks, because I was totally acting in self-defense. But I don't have to tell you, you were the only witnesses. So you know the truth, right?!

Butt-head

Uh, yeah. We know the truth.

Beavis

Yeah. You kicked that guy's ass.

Butt-head

It was the coolest thing we have ever seen.

That's not what you saw, douchbags! Tomorrow, some pig's gonna serve you a subpoena!

Butt-head

You said "sub-"

It's not funny, man! You better tell him exactly what you saw. It was just me defending myself. Get it?!

Butt-head

Uh, yup. Got it.

Beavis

Got it.

Butt-head

You can count on us.

Beavis

Let go.

Butt-head

That was cool.

Beavis

So um, what are we supposed to say? Like, he was defending himself?

Butt-head

Yeah. That guy had the nerve to ask Todd for the money he owed him, so Todd had no choice but to kick his ass.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. He kicked his ass. That reminds me, Butt-head. You have that two dollars that I loaned you?

Butt-head

Uh, I don't have it, bitch. [begins repeatedly punching Beavis]

Beavis

Ow! Ahh! Butt-hole! Ow!

Butt-head

I'm defending myself. [continues punching Beavis]

Old Beavis

So do you remember that time when you threw us in your trunk by the railroad track?

No.

Old Butt-head

Uhh, do you remember when you threw us in your trunk at the pool?

No.

Old Beavis

What about the time when you threw us in your trunk by the creek? Remember that one?

... huh. I guess I do remember messing with a couple of losers who were always in my face.

Old Beavis

Yes! Yes! He remembers us!

Old Butt-head

Those were the happiest times of our lives.

Old Beavis

We wanna be plumbers!

Old Butt-head

Yes! Teach us, Todd. Teach us the way of the pipe.

You know, maybe I do owe you for all the crap I did back in the day. They call it bullying now, I guess.

Old Beavis

Yeah, bullying is cool.

Bad news, pussies. Since you guys went in the shit pipe, there's been a downturn in the plumbing business. You're fired.

Old Beavis

Well, at least we helped you out, you know?

Uh, you didn't. I just made you touch a lot of shit.

Old Beavis

Cool, um, so you're gonna pay us, right?

No, I'm not gonna do that.

Old Butt-head

Yeah, Beavis. He's not gonna do that, dumbass.