Principal McVicker quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Principal McVicker

I don't know what you're thinking, but I simply cannot have students roaming the halls, interrupting other classes, and giving prophecies of a great plague.

Principal McVicker

B-b-but I don't want any visitors... I'm sick in the head!

Principal McVicker

No! They're demons sent straight from Hell!

Principal McVicker

Oh, you guys think this is funny? You've been to four classes today and you've been sent here four times. And this laughing thing...What the hell is with this laughing thing?! All the teachers are sick of it! Mr. Sherman, your history teacher, says he's completely given up on trying to teach your class about the gay 90s. [Beavis and Butt-Head start laughing harder] See? See?! Now that's exactly what I'm talking about! You are both suspended for a week!

Butt-Head

[He and Beavis stop laughing temporarily, still grinning] Uhhh... what does that mean?

Principal McVicker

I-I-It means I-I-I don't want to see you anywhere near this school for a whole week!

Butt-Head

Cool! [he and Beavis start to act like they are playing guitars to the riff of 'Paradise City' by Guns n' Roses]

Principal McVicker

SHUT UP! Forget it. No no, you're not suspended. No, I've got a better idea. Yeah, hah-hah-hah-hah!! I'm gonna get you guys this time. [He takes a bottle of "Old Crow" out from under his desk, Beavis and Butthead start laughing again as McVicker drinks the whiskey]

McVicker

Star pupils? My ass! These two are morons!

You just weren't reaching them. They've learned everything they're going to learn in elementary school. Their young minds need room to grow, so we graduated them early. And they're not coming back.

Beavis

Yeah, and if you try reaching for us, I'll kick you in the nads!

McVicker

Oh, for crying out loud!

McVicker

Uhhh... Good job!

Buzzcut

Too bad! Another minute and they might have been naked! [starts to laugh too. McVicker laughs as well]

McVicker

Yeah. Look at them.

Butt-head

  Welcome to the future.  Here is your free porn.

Beavis

Yeah. Porn is good for you. Did you know that?

Principal McVicker

Uh... Now as you boys know, we have strict rules, about accessing computer pornography from the library. So before, I sentence you to an extremely harsh punishment, I want to know how you little punks did it! Uh... Come on. You idiots can save yourself a lot of trouble if you just tell me who helped you log on!

Butt-Head

I did that myself. But Stewart got us the porn.

What?

Beavis

He's pretty good.

But... but... but I...

Principal McVicker

Oh, that's it! You're all getting detention for the rest of the year! And you've lost all your computer privileges!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah we need more porn, come on Stewart.

Buzzcut

Shut the hell up!

Principal McVicker

Uuhh, no! Beavis and Butt-head, what the hell are you doing here?

Butt-head

Ehhh, like, two weeks ago, you told us we were suspended for like two weeks. So I think like now, we might be done being suspended, or something?

Principal McVicker

Uhh, god, I've been dreading this day.

Butt-head

Yeah, me too!

Beavis

Yeah really, school sucks!

Principal McVicker

You watch your mouth, little pain in the ass! Ehh, whose class are you supposed to be in this morning?

Butt-head

Ehh, I think the teacher is a guy. Ehh, Van..., uhh Rigvantrison?

Beavis

Yeah yeah, something like that.

Principal McVicker

Ooh, no. Mr. Van Driessen took his class to the botanical gardens today. Ooh, dammit!

Butt-head

Yeah dammit!

Beavis

Yeah dammit, god damn son of a bitch!

Principal McVicker

You little bastards, watch your language! Ooh, wait a minute. We've just got a new speech therapist on staff. Maybe I'll stick you in her class. Yeah.

Butt-head

He said "in her".

Principal McVicker

Oh, no!

Beavis

Oh, yeah.

Well, good morning everyone. My name is Miss Jenkins and I'm a speech therapist. And I guess a lot of you were wondering "why do I need speech therapy?"

Beavis

Yeah.

I already know how to speak. What can I learn here? You know, sometimes people don't even realize they have a speech impediment.

Beavis

What's a speech im-pediment?

Butt-head

Speech im-pediments suck!

A person shouldn't be ashamed of having a speech impediment. As a matter of fact, many highly intelligent and creative people are speech impaired.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, that dude has boob.

And once they begin to be more aware of how they sound, they are better able to correct themselves.

Beavis

Butt-head, that what I think it is?

Butt-head

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Well, I'm glad to hear that Butt-head and we're all glad to have you on our little speech team.

Butt-head

Eee, can you get out of the way?

Beavis

Yeah really.

Well, I'll tell you what boys. I have some other pictures in my briefcase that are even more interesting than that one.

Butt-head

Really?

Beavis

What could be more interesting than this?

Well, how about a picture taken from right up inside the larynx?

Beavis

Wow, no way!

Butt-head

How could you get a camera up there?

Well, I'll be happy to show you after you practice this next exercise, OK?

Butt-head

This is gonna be cool.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, boi-oi-oi...

OK now, we're going to use these mirrors to observe our lips, and teeth, and tongue during speech.

Butt-head

Butt-munch, dill-lead.

Beavis

Ass-wipe, butt-hole.

Butt-head

Ass-munch

Butt-head, this might be a good time to work on your "s".

Butt-head

Eeeh, I didn't know my ass needed any work.

Now don't get defensive Butt-head, I just want to try to clean it up a little, OK? Now try this. Make a "t" sound, then throw it out like this. Everyone, let's try to help Butt-head, OK?

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, check it out!

Settle down please, all right boys? OK. What I'd like everyone to do is to repeat these sentences while watching your mouth in your mirrors, OK? All right, here goes: Speaking slowly as such can say just as much.

Butt-head

Whoa, she just said "ass munch"!

Beavis

Yeah, this chick rules. "Ass munch"!

Very good, boys! As much.

Beavis

Ass munch!

Butt-head

Ass munch!

All right, let's try this one. Half haste helps, but whole haste hinders.

Butt-head

Whoa, she just said "butthole"!

Beavis

Yeah yeah, butthole!

But whole haste...

Beavis

Yeah yeah, butthole butthole! This is cool. Bunghole!

No no Beavis, listen closely. But whole, but whole.

Beavis

Oooh yeah yeah.

Principal McVicker

I just came by to see if these two little bastards have done anything I can suspend them for.

Actually principal McVicker, these boys have done very well. Beavis, Butt-head, would you like to show your principal what you've learned today?

Butt-head

Assmunch

Beavis

And butthole. Butthole.

Principal McVicker

Watch your mouth, you little sons of bitches.

Principal, please. Now I don't want you to take this to the wrong way, principal. But I've noticed that you have a litle trouble expressing yourself sometimes.

Principal McVicker

What?

Butt-head

McVicker is a dumbass. He doesn't know how to talk to chicks.

Beavis

Yeah really. He's probably like "....." Boi-oi-oi...

Students, can I have your attention? There's been a terrible tragedy...and I wanted you to hear it from me first-

Principal McVicker

(over PA) Listen up! Beavis and Butt-head are dead! There will be an emergency meeting in the teachers' conference room in five minutes, followed by a brief party. WHOO! YEAH!

Principal McVicker

[Giving speech at fund-raiser] I would gladly give back all the money, just to see Beavis and Butt-head one more time.

Butt-head

Okay, McDicker, give us some money.

Principal McVicker

What!?

Beavis

Where the hell are the dead people?

Principal McVicker

Uhhh, you're supposed to be dead!

Principal McVicker

You two are the worst students this school has ever had. And now because of that No Child Left Behind law, we may lose our funding! Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!

Butt-head

Uh... did you say something about a child's behind?

Beavis

Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind! I heard him!

Butt-head

No wonder you're gonna lose your job.

Principal McVicker

You two are the worst students this school has ever had. And now because of that No Child Left Behind law, we may lose our funding! Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!

Butt-head

Uh... did you say something about a child's behind?

Beavis

Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind! I heard him!

Butt-head

No wonder you're gonna lose your job.

Principal McVicker

SHUT UP! How dare you!

Van Driessen

Okay, let's all calm down for a moment. Now Beavis, Butt-head, because next week's standardized test is so important, we're going to use all of our best resources at Highland High School to help you prepare, m'kay?

Principal McVicker

It's a waste of time, they'll never get it! They're morons! They have the worst grades I've ever seen!

Van Driessen

Well that just means that these boys have the most room for improvement. Remember, it's all about helping the children.

Butt-head

Yeah. Just keep them away from their behinds.

Beavis

Yeah.

Principal McVicker

You see that?! Right there! That's what I'm talking about!

Butt-head

Uh, hey, you know, whatever you're into.

McVicker

Uhhhh, merry Christmas, everybody. Sorry I'm late, but Beavis wouldn't let me off. So I had to sneak out during my break. Uhhhh, look. Here's Christmas dinner. [he takes a cheeseburger and fries out of the "Merry Meal" box] A cheeseburger, fries, and look. Your Christmas present. [he takes the present out of the box, which are stick on tattoos with a picture of a purple panda] Stick on tattoos. Ohhh. Now share it with your brothers and sisters.

Wow! Thanks, Dad. This is great!