So you can see the price is $3000, but let's talk, you know? Tell me, what will it take to get you into this car today?
Butt-headUhhh, you said something about zero?
Yeah, that'll work. Zero point zero.
Heh heh heh, I don't think my manager would go for that, but maybe I could give you, you know, maybe $500 off this price. It's good.
Butt-head
Uh, you're gonna give us $500 to take the car?
Yeah, yeah! Cool! We'll take it!
Uh, no! No! That's not what I meant. No, I cannot do that. No.
Butt-head
Uhh, hmm...
I don't know, Butt-head. Are we still okay at zero?
Butt-head
Uhh, I don't know. A free car doesn't sound so great after he was gonna give us $500 to take it.
Wait, wait, no. I did not ever say-
I don't know, Butt-head, I mean, you know zero dollars for a car, you know, I mean that's not bad.
Butt-head
Damn it, Beavis, gas is expensive. Uh, I'll take like, $250 from you to take this car, but that's like, my final offer.
[after returning the crashed car] Eh, I am very sorry. They crashed the car.
DDealer
I'll deal with you later. Boys, looks like you've just bought yourselves a car.
Butt-head
Uh, no way!
Yeah, this one's all broken, and stuff.
Butt-head
Yeah. I can't see myself driving it anymore.
Yeah. We want a fresh one.
Butt-head
Uh, but I'm gonna have to ask you to give us a thousand dollars to take the new one.
Yeah, Hamid already agreed to give us $500 for the old one. Look at it now, you know?
DDealer
Whoa, hold on, here! That's not how it works. You gotta buy this car, or I'm gonna hold onto your licenses and contact your insurance company!
Butt-head
Uh, we don't have licenses.
Yeah, OR insurance company.
DDealer
[to Hamid; infuriated] You DIDN'T get their licenses and proof of insurance?! You're fired! And you two, get off my lot, and don't let me ever see you here again!
[both Beavis and Butt-head have equipment for bounty-hunting and arrive at a post office]
Butt-head
Dog was cool.
Yeah. He's really down to Earth in person, you know?
Butt-head
Well, there's the pictures of the criminals. We need to kick their asses and haul them downtown. [eyeing portraits of the governor, postmaster general, and president Barack Obama] Look at them.
Butt-head
[grabs Obama's portrait and looks to a postal worker] Uh, excuse me, sir. Have you seen this man?
Any information can help, sir. You can like, remain anmonymous, too.
PWPostal Worker
Yeah, he's in Europe right now for a summit. [leaves]
Butt-head
Damn it, Europe's like way over in Russia or something.
Butt-head
[approaching Clifton Karate School] This is the place, Beavis.
This is a pretty crappy school.
Butt-head
Yeah, really. No wonder these kids joined a gang.
Yeah, so young. They had their whole lives ahead of them, you know? But we still have a job to do.
Butt-head
Yeah. A job to kick their asses. You ready, brah?
Yeah, shouldn't we pray? Dog always prays before they chase a skip.
Butt-head
Uh, oh yeah. Okay. [they bow their heads] Uh, God is great, God is good, and we thank him for our food. Okay, let's roll Beavis.
TATown Actor
Welcome to Prairie Falls. You lucky students have traveled back in time to a typical 19th century homesteading community. Come and meet my fellow townsfolk. [lets Beavis and Butt-head enter]
Butt-head
Uh, did that guy say something about like, traveling back in time? [they approach Van Driessen in 19th century attire]
Howdy, fair strangers. I am Tobias Van Driessen, a humble but hard working cobbler, who dwells in the cabin down by the old fork river.
Butt-head
Uh, how come Van Driessen's talking like a foreigner?
I don't know. Maybe we're in Mexico or something. Let's go find a TV.
TV? I know not what you talk of, for the year is 1832. Now come and watch us thresh wheat.
Butt-head
Uh, 1832? That's like, not now.
Aren't we more than that?
Butt-head
Whoa! Hey Beavis, check it out! Look at all these people! Maybe that dork was right. Maybe we did travel back in time.
Oh yeah, yeah. How did that happen?
Butt-head
Uh, maybe that bus broke the time-space cundominium?
Oh yeah, yeah, like in that movie, Back to the Future.
Butt-head
Oh yeah. Maybe we can score with your mom.
Hey Butt-head, since we traveled back in time a thousand years, does that mean that old dude is like, Van Driessen's dad or something?
Butt-head
Uh, oh yeah. He's old. [they approach a woman working a butter churn] Whoa! Come to Butt-head.
I do declare, working this pole is hard.
[whispering to the woman] You look familiar, were you at the Renaissance fair this summer?
Ah, I knew it! I'm Squire Robin! [to the class] Um, class? Why don't you run along and enjoy our simple way of life, m'kay? And take notes! [returns his attention to Megan]
Butt-head
This sucks. How come a wuss like that can score and we can't?
Um, how do you know he's gonna score?
Butt-head
Because Van Driessen was born, dumbass. Whoa! Hey Beavis, I just thought of something cool we could do! If we could stop that old wuss from scoring, Van Driessen will never be born. We'll never have to go to that stupid class again.
Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah! This is gonna be cool! I mean, or it was cool. I mean, in the past, I mean like after we do it, it's gonna be cool to think back upon.
MWMassage Worker
[angrily] Oh! Oh, them! Them! Get them! Go! Bad for business!
SGSecurity Guard
[walks over to Beavis and Butt-head] You're going to have to leave. You do not have the right to block a pedestrian area.
Butt-head
Uh, how come they get to block a "pedestranian" area?
SGSecurity Guard
Because they are running a business. Now move along. [leaves]
MWMassage Worker
[angrily] NOW YOU GO! YOU GO TO HELL!
[Beavis and Butt-Head become massagers in order to massage chicks]
Butt-head
[impersonating the massagers] Um, okay. Act Chinese, Beavis.
Um, "now you go! You go to hell! What hell you doing?" That's all the Chinese I know. Oh, wait a minute! "Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke."
Butt-head
That was pretty good, Beavis. [a lady comes] Whoa.
WWomen
[sighs] I'm having some upper back pain and on my neck, so if you could just work on that, that would be great.
[Butt-head gets ready to touch her, but the workers show up angrily and push him away]
MWMassage Worker
[angrily] WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING? YOU TRY AND TAKE MY BUSINESS?!
Butt-head
Uh, yeah. We wanna be massagers.
MWMassage Worker
[sees an obese man approaching] Okay, you two now massagers.
Butt-head
Uh, really?
FMFat Man
Ugh. I'm ready. I need to get my circulation going. I got a real bad spell of the gout. Probably that shellfish I ate. [sits on the massage chair]
[the lady leaves]
MWMassage Worker
[points at the fat man] GET TO WORK!
Butt-head
Uh, let's get out of here. [a security guard and a janitor suddenly show up]
SGSecurity Guard
Hold on. Okay. Did you two have anything to do with taking this guy's tools?
MWMassage Worker
They here with us whole time. New employees! Massage this guy now.
Butt-head
Uh, no thanks.
SGSecurity Guard
The police are on their way. Do you work here, yes or no?
MWMassage Worker
Show him! Show him you not thief. You a massager! Massage!
[the cops show up]
Butt-Head
Uh, yeah. We're massagers.
FMFat Man
Uh, I'm gonna need you to massage the fluid back up into my torso. Uh, then rub the extremities till they aren't so blue anymore. Now don't mind that smell. That's just the muscle eating the bone. Doctor said he's only heard of it this bad in cattle before. Looks like a table leg got caught in a wood chipper, don't it?
Butt-head
Uhhh...
... Well, he does have boobs.
You two are the worst students this school has ever had. And now because of that No Child Left Behind law, we may lose our funding! Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
Butt-head
Uh... did you say something about a child's behind?
Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind! I heard him!
Butt-head
No wonder you're gonna lose your job.
You two are the worst students this school has ever had. And now because of that No Child Left Behind law, we may lose our funding! Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
Butt-head
Uh... did you say something about a child's behind?
Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind! I heard him!
Butt-head
No wonder you're gonna lose your job.
Okay, let's all calm down for a moment. Now Beavis, Butt-head, because next week's standardized test is so important, we're going to use all of our best resources at Highland High School to help you prepare, m'kay?
It's a waste of time, they'll never get it! They're morons! They have the worst grades I've ever seen!
Well that just means that these boys have the most room for improvement. Remember, it's all about helping the children.
Butt-head
Yeah. Just keep them away from their behinds.
You see that?! Right there! That's what I'm talking about!
Butt-head
Uh, hey, you know, whatever you're into.
Low grades reflect a lack of goals.
Butt-head
Uh, I thought it was because we're stupid.
Not at all. So what do you want out of life?
Butt-head
Uh, I wanna score.
Yeah, with two chicks! And I want money, too! Yeah!
Butt-head
That would be cool.
What about your higher aspirations?
Butt-head
"Ass."
Whoa, you're into behinds too? You and McVicker should hang out.
Butt-head
[as teachers are giving their lectures] Whoa! I just got something!
[The teachers, hopeful that Butt-head has actually learned something of what they taught, give him their full attention.]
Butt-head
... Number two pencil! Number two.
Butt-head
Number two.
AMAngry Man
Hey Todd, where's my money?!
AMAngry Man
What'd you call me?!
AMAngry Man
What'd you call me?! [is punched unconscious by Todd, who runs away]
Butt-head
Whoa! Beavis! We like, saw that.
I know! I know! Someday, we'll be able to tell our grandparents about this.
Beavis and Butt-Head · 2,204 quotes
