Class, this weekend, I'm organizing a trip down to the Gulf of Mexico. As you are all well aware, this oil spill is a crisis of unprecedented proportion. It's done great damage to the wetlands. [Beavis and Butt-head snicker in the back of the class] Giant tar balls are washing up all along the coast. And then there's the birds. It's too late for a lot of the older birds, but we can still rescue the chicks.
Butt-headUh, chicks?
Yes, Butt-head, so many of these poor chicks are dirty. They're just filthy.
Butt-head
Whoa! Filthy chicks!
Yes, and we need people to go down there and wash them. Are there any volunteers?
Butt-head
Uh, yeah. Count me in.
Yeah, this weekend's good for me.
Well great! Thank you, Beavis and Butt-head.
Butt-head
Filthy chicks!
NANews Anchor
The oil spill in the Gulf isn't just hurting people, it's hurting plants and animals, which are two other kinds of life. But it's not all bad news, which brings us to this week's local hero, Maya Kanigher. She's leading the efforts to clean the many baby birds damaged by this spill.
MMaya
When I saw what was happening to the birds here...
MMaya
I knew I had to act to save the chicks!
NANews Anchor
Mmm... mmmm- wait, to save the uh...?
NANews Anchor
Oh- oh right. Maya has organized an assembly line of young idealists who gather the birds, clean them, and dry them. These young volunteers are certainly doing their part.
So this is like, um, this is like, oil.
Butt-head
Yeah. And we're covered in it, and we're gonna do it!
NANews Anchor
That is an inspiring sentiment. We are all going to do it. We are all going to do it.
Butt-head
Get in line, dude.
NANews Anchor
Back to you, Geena.
OOfficer
[knocking frantically on the door] Everyone out! This is an emergency evacuation!
Butt-head
Dammit, what's going on out there?
Yeah. We're trying to watch TV!
Butt-head
Yeah, really. It's probably that census dude again.
Oh, yeah yeah. He's a real butthole.
Butt-head
He said "head of household."
[as the two eat a bunch of food at Maxi Mart]
Butt-head
Doesn't get any better than this, Beavis.
Yep, the end of the world kicks ass. [seeing an open register full of money] Hey, Butt-head, check it out! We're rich!
Butt-head
We don't need money, dumbass. Everything is free from now on.
Butt-head
We can just like, take whatever we want.
This is gonna be cool! You know what I'm gonna do, Butt-head? I'm gonna use every toilet in town.
Butt-head
Uh, okay.
I may not even flush! Cuz I don't have to. I don't have to do anything.
Butt-head
I'm like full.
Yeah, me too. So what do we do now? Like, go home?
Butt-head
No, butt-monkey. The world is ours, remember? We can live anywhere we want to.
Butt-head
Let's go live at Stewart's house.
Yeah yeah! You know I've always wanted to live there.
Butt-head
This is cool. Too bad all the chicks are dead.
Butt-head
Yeah, but like, if we're gonna live here, we can't have Stewart's stupid crap around.
Yeah, really. We need to make it cool.
[the boys start throwing various items out and through the windows]
Butt-head
Yeah. We won't be needing this. Or this. What kind of person buys one of these?
[picks up an urn] Yeah this vase sucks too. It's got a bunch of crap inside it.
Butt-head
Uh, whoa! I think this is Stewart's grandma's ashes!
You mean she put her cigarettes out in a vase? [drops the urn, and it spills] That's disgusting! No reason for that.
Butt-head
Dammit, Beavis, you're making a mess. And you're getting on my nerves. Why don't you like live somewhere else?
Okay, I'll go live at Andersons! Or maybe Todd's! I bet that house is cooler than this house!
[seeing a woman in a hazmat suit]
Butt-head
Uh, hey baby.
WWoman
You two shouldn't be here! Both of you, come with me!
Butt-head
Okay. I see your spacesuit saved you from the cocablypse. So like, do you wanna like, recopulate the Earth?
Yeah, we're the last two dudes left.
Butt-head
You have no choice.
Hold on a sec' boys. Let me ask you a question. Do you really believe in evolution? Can you honestly say you understand it?
Butt-head
Uhh, no.
I-I never could understand that crap.
MSMax's Son
It's so complicated, no one can. My dad says the reason no one understands it is because it isn't true. He says learning it in biology class isn't worth going to hell for. [fist bumps his dad]
Bottom line is, Positive Acting Teens don't believe in evolution, and don't think they should have to learn it. Right guys?
PAPositive Acting Teens
Yaaay!
Butt-head
Uh, so like, if something's too complicated to understand, we shouldn't have to learn it?
PAPositive Acting Teen
That's right.
Butt-head
Cool!
Yeah, really! I don't understand half the crap they talk about in there! Way too complicated.
Butt-head
Yeah. Maybe these people are cool.
The Pythagorean Theorem can best be expressed with this equation: A squared, plus B squared, equals C squared.
Butt-head
Uhh...
Butt-head
Uh, We shouldn't have to learn this.
Butt-head
'Cause my uncle's not a monkey!
This is geometry, not evolution. M'kay?
Butt-head
Tell that to the Lord.
But it shall go unanswered as you roam the fiery pit of damnation! [they get up to leave]
Butt-head
You're going to hell.
Now, to start a wrestling match, one wrestler gets down on all fours, and the other wrestler mounts him from behind like so!
Butt-head
Whoa! You're definitely going to hell.
Yeah! I don't understand that at all. I mean, if it's okay for you guys...
Butt-head
To each his own.
BTBiology Teacher
So, thanks to Beavis and Butt-head, you don't have to learn about evolution today if you don't want to.
[the class cheers]
Butt-head
We're popular.
BTBiology Teacher
Looks like no one wants to, very well. Then today, you have to study this. [pulls out a large textbook about Intelligent Design] I only have one copy, so please take detailed notes. The theory of Intelligent Design holds that certain features of the universe...
Butt-head
Uhhh, wait a minute.
Butt-head
I knew that Max guy wasn't cool. Let's get out of here, Beavis. We're going to hell.
Yeah, maybe it won't be so bad. The charred walls of the damned...
Due to a new school board edict, we will not be running ball-handling drills today. We will be building empathy. Do you know what empathy is, Butt-head?
Butt-head
Uh, is that, like, something to do with ball-handling?
SHUT UP! Empathy. Empathy is when you feel what someone else is feeling. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
Butt-head
Uh, feel someone else?
SHUT UP! Now, you will take these self-esteem worksheets, and you will make copies.
Butt-head
Uh, you mean, like, with the copy machine?
Yes, but let me be clear. You will only copy the worksheet. You will not copy your butts again. Do you understand, Beavis?!
SSapphire
Come on Crystal, no one's here. Let's try the basketball courts. I know a couple of dealers who hang out there.
CCrystal
Hang on, I think I see just what we need. [notices Beavis, jittery from the energy drink] That guy is tweaking for sure! [approaches the boys] Are you holding, sugar?
Wow, yeah! Yeah I am holding! See? Yeah. I am holding.
CCrystal
That's great sugar, 'cause I really need to score.
Butt-head
Uhhh, you do?
CCrystal
I need you to come with me though, is that alright?
Butt-head
Yeah. We can do this wherever you want, baby.
Oh yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
CCrystal
Great. [they approach the van] Just get in the van.
Butt-head
Whoa! Is she gonna do it too?
CCrystal
Hell yeah, she just can't get enough!
CCrystal
Hey y'all, this here's Beavis and Butt-head.
GGary
Yes! The stars of the party are here!
Butt-head
Whoa! These guys already know we're porn stars.
Yeah! And we haven't even done it yet!
GGary
Now we can start! Tim, Do you have everything fixed yet?
TTim
I'm trying! I told you, we really needed a dual-bed HD streaming router.
GGary
And I told you we don't have enough money. It was either go to the office supply store, or get drugs. I made an executive decision, and I stand by it.
GSGary's Mom
[knocking on the door] Gary? What are you and your friends doing in there?
GSGary's Mom
Do you and your friends want some sandwhiches?
GGary
SHUT UP!!! [locks the door] Man... [laughs jovially] I love crank! Especially chasing that white dragon. What exactly you guys holding? Break it out!
Butt-head
Uhhh... you wanna see my crank?
Yeah, um, I don't show my "white dragon" to dudes. Sorry.
Butt-head
Uh, you've never shown it to chicks either, dumbass.
Oh yeah, but I don't show it to dudes on purpose, know what I'm saying? Not even in the gym.
SSapphire
Come on, guys, break out the stuff!
TTim
Yeah. This better be good stuff, better than the dual-band router I was gonna get.
CCrystal
Break out the drugs!
Butt-head
Uh, what are you talking about? We don't have any drugs.
GGary
I thought you said you found someone!
SSapphire
She probably did it all behind our backs!
Uh, so what you think, guys? Can you see yourself driving this car?
Butt-head
Uhh, yeah.
Yeah, I can see that. That would be cool! I bet we could score.
Yes, yes, definitely my friend. I must congratulate you both, you picked a very good day to buy a car.
Butt-head
Yeah. We're smart.
Beavis and Butt-Head · 2,204 quotes