Butt-headHey Beavis, remember when Todd punched that guy out?
Yeah yeah, that's all I've been thinking about.
Butt-head
Yeah. That was cool.
It's cool, yeah. That's exactly what I was gonna say. [Todd suddenly shows up]
Butt-head
Whoa!
Butt-head
Yeah, this is weird, because like, we were just talking about-
SHUT UP! Now look, the cops busted me for punching that guy, and now they're bringing me to trial for assault. It really sucks, because I was totally acting in self-defense. But I don't have to tell you, you were the only witnesses. So you know the truth, right?!
Butt-head
Uh, yeah. We know the truth.
Yeah. You kicked that guy's ass.
Butt-head
It was the coolest thing we have ever seen.
[Todd grabs Beavis and kicks Beavis]
That's not what you saw, douchbags! Tomorrow, some pig's gonna serve you a subpoena!
Butt-head
You said "sub-"
It's not funny, man! You better tell him exactly what you saw. It was just me defending myself. Get it?!
Butt-head
Uh, yup. Got it.
Butt-head
You can count on us.
[Todd leaves]
Butt-head
That was cool.
So um, what are we supposed to say? Like, he was defending himself?
Butt-head
Yeah. That guy had the nerve to ask Todd for the money he owed him, so Todd had no choice but to kick his ass.
Oh yeah, yeah. He kicked his ass. That reminds me, Butt-head. You have that two dollars that I loaned you?
Butt-head
Uh, I don't have it, bitch. [begins repeatedly punching Beavis]
Butt-head
I'm defending myself. [continues punching Beavis]
PProsecutor
Is the person who started the fight here in the court room today?
Butt-head
Uh, yeah. He's right there.
PProsecutor
Would you point to him, please?
Butt-head
Uh, him. Todd. [both he and Beavis point to an infuriated Todd]
Yeah, we saw him kicking ass, your honor.
Butt-head
You said "you're on her."
Oh yeah, you're on 'er. Boy, nothing gets by you, Butt-head. You should be a lawyer.
[as Beavis and Butt-head walk by a women's health clinic being picketed]
PPicketer
[in a megaphone] Whores! Fornicators! Whores! Fornicators!
Butt-head
Uh, what is this place?
PPicketer
[giving Butt-head a pamphlet] Here ya are, son. You can read all about it.
Butt-head
Uh, no. [drops the pamphlet] Did you say there were whores in there?
PPicketer
Well boys, you tell me. Those women that are going in there have had sexual relations outside of a marriage, and that is the Bible definition of a whore. [returns to picketing] Whores! Fornicators!
Butt-head
Cool!
Butt-head
Whores!
PPicketer
Hold on a second. [chuckles] Now I do appreciate your enthusiasm, boys. It's wonderful to see young boys interested in doing the Lord's work. But I think you might be a little bit off on the tone. Now you just watch me. [angrily into his megaphone] WHORES! FORNICATORS! THE LORD COMMANDS YOU TO REPENT! [to Beavis and Butt-head] See that? That's how it's done.
Butt-head
Whoa! Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. If there's whores in there, this must be a whorehouse!
Oh yeah, yeah! Yeah! A whorehouse!
Butt-head
A whorehouse!
Yeah! You know, I always thought there should be a whorehouse here.
Butt-head
So that dude must have started his own whorehouse.
Yeah, yeah, wow. Why didn't we think of that? Damn it.
PPicketer
Whores! Fornicators! [gives a couple protest signs to Beavis and Butt-head] Here you go. You boys are gonna need a sign.
Butt-head
Yeah. We'll help you get the word out.
Yeah, yeah. We really appreciate what you're doing here, you know? It's just great.
PPicketer
[chuckles] Well I'm just glad there are people your age as passionate as I am about putting fallen women on the righteous path, boys. That's what we're all about here. [into his megaphone] Whores! Fornicators!
Butt-head
Yeah. On a path where they've fallen on my wiener.
[as Beavis and Butt-head approach the clinic]
We're finally gonna do it! It's really gonna happen!
[they are immediately blocked by a security guard]
SGSecurity Guard
Stop right there.
Butt-head
Uh, don't worry, dude, we're cool.
Yeah. You can just let us in.
SGSecurity Guard
Please step back onto the sidewalk.
Butt-head
Uh, we know the owner. So I'm gonna have to ask you to go ahead and step aside.
Yeah, just step aside. I don't have a lot of time. I'm busy.
SGSecurity Guard
If you do not step back onto the sidewalk, I will have to escort you off the property.
Butt-head
Escorts?
Have you done them already?
Butt-head
[as they approach a hotel] It won't be long now, Beavis. Soon we will hear her voice. This is gonna be cool.
It's a long walk, but you know, it's worth it.
Butt-head
Yeah.
Butt-head
Okay. Get ready, Beavis.
[they enter an elevator]
[pushing a button] Pee...
Butt-head
Here she comes.
EAElevator Announcer
Going down. [the boys cackle]
Butt-head
Going down.
EAElevator Announcer
P-1. Going down.
Butt-head
Going down.
[a woman enters the the elevator]
WWoman
Number two, please.
Butt-head
Number two.
WWoman
[as they try to get help in the trapped elevator] Listen, I think that roof panel comes off. And we can get out that way. I'll get on top of you...
Butt-head
You'll what?
WWoman
And we can build a three-way boost...
[as they cackle endlessly] Okay!
Butt-head
Three way.
WWoman
HEY! Hey, shut up! [the boys immediately stop laughing] Okay, listen. Do you guys wanna have sex?
Butt-head
Uh, okay.
Yeah, yeah! I mean, if it's not too much trouble.
WWoman
Okay, here's how we're gonna do it. One of you gets down on all fours, and the other gets on top of him in the same position.
Butt-head
Whatever you say, baby.
[Beavis gets down on all fours, with Butt-head getting atop of him]
WWoman
Yeah, just like that! [she begins to climb Beavis and Butt-head]
Butt-head
Alright, lady. Get on up there- ow. [the lady opens the roof panel and climbs out, leaving Beavis and Butt-head atop one another]
I can't believe our luck!
Butt-head
This is gonna be cool!
Butt-head
Hey, how's it going? Are you going down?
LLady
[comes in] Uh, yeah. P2 please.
EAElevator Announcer
P2, going down.
[after the elevator closes, Beavis presses buttons inside as it breaks down]
[as Beavis and Butt-head look for clues in the restroom]
Butt-head, I think I found a clue! [beckons to some bathroom graffiti reading "Jason Eats Balls"] There's words!
Butt-head
Hmm. Words. Let's see. Ja-son... eats... balls... Jason eats balls. Hmm...
Huh. But what does it mean?
Butt-head
Who is Jason? Why does he eat balls? Whose balls does he eat?
Butt-head
Perhaps.
[in the bathroom stall]
Butt-head
This mummy forgot to like leave clues or something.
Whoa, Butt-head look! I found a clue, look. A turd.
Butt-head
Hmmm. Now we're getting somewhere, Beavis. Finally. A real clue.
Butt-head
Now why would someone put a turd in a toilet? Hmm...
It just doesn't make sense. Wait a minute! Maybe someone took a du- [Butt-head smacks him] AHH!
Butt-head
Damn it, Beavis, shut up, I'm thinking.
Oh yeah yeah yeah... sorry.
Butt-head
Beavis, you mean well, but you're a dumbass. I have figured it out. That turd can mean only one thing. This mummy is disgusting.
[dramatic chord]
You know, um, maybe we should just like, get used to living in this box, you know? It's not that bad, really. It's kinda growing on me actually.
Butt-head
Beavis, I'm gonna kill you.
Maybe life is better in the box, you know? Maybe we'll meet some chicks in here or something.
Butt-head
There's no chicks in the box, dumbass!
Well not now, but you know, like maybe if we were more outgoing, you know?
Butt-head
Uh, what the hell is going on here?
What did they do to this place, Butt-head? What's going on?
Beavis and Butt-head! What a pleasant surprise to see you this here.
What happened to the parking lot? What did you do?
Well once a month, we have a farmers' market here, and it turns into a cornucopia of locally sourced farm-to-table cuisine.
Does "cornucopia" mean butthole?
Butt-head
It sure does, Beavis.
Butt-head
Uh, so like, honey for sale.
Fresh honey! It's really expensive.
Butt-head
That's right, it's like a thousand dollars.
Buy it right now, for money!
Beavis and Butt-head! [Noticing their multiple stings] Boys, are you feeling okay?
Buy our honey. Our bees made it, yeah. Check it out.
Butt-head
[hands Van Driessen a cup] That's right. It's expensive. Fresh from the bug's butt.
[samples the "honey"] This tastes like shampoo, m'kay?
What? Our bees made shampoo?
Butt-head
These dumb bugs made the wrong stuff!
Guys, these are not bees. They're wasps. Wasps don't make honey.
Butt-head
We know, dumbass. They made shampoo.
I'm gonna head to the barber to get my ears lowered, so I need you boys to sign for a couple two packages I got coming from the Amazon.
Butt-head
Package. [cackles]
They're a birthday present for Marcie, and my new hearing aid. That one's real important now, because I can't hear nothing without it.
Butt-head
Uhhh, did you hear me when I called you a butthole?
Well you're welcome. I knew I could count on you.
[after falling off the roof]
[dazed] Ow... it's okay, it's okay. I'm alright. I don't wanna be late for kindergarten. Circle time sucks. Whoa! That's a cool bowl. Never seen anything like that before. I'll be damned.
Butt-head
Get the ladder, Beavis!
Butt-head
I'm Butt-head, ass face!
Um... Which of those is your name, and which one is what you're calling me?
Butt-head
Just get the ladder, dumbass.
Butt-head
It's that thing over there that's a ladder.
Oh yeah yeah, thanks ass face.
Beavis and Butt-Head · 2,204 quotes