Cyril Figgis quotes from Archer

Cyril

God, were you raised in a barn?

Pam

No. I just slept out there a lot.

Cyril

Suppressing fiiiireeeee-extinquisherrrrr!

Archer

Is that...

Lana

Cyril?!

Cyril

Lana!

Lana

I'm coming, Cyril!

Archer

Lana, wait! Bet that's the first time you ever said that. Right? Huh? Okay now we can go.

Malory

Last night, an Air Force B-52 bomber crashed off the coast of Bermuda!

Archer

Well it's about frickin' time! [Beat] What, we're not bombing them in advance of an amphibious invasion?

Lana

Why would we invade Bermuda?

Archer

Oh... Bermuda, duh. I was thinking Bahamas.

Lana

Same question.

Archer

Same answer: Why not? It's how we got the Virgin Islands.

Cyril

Actually, the United States bought the Virgin Islands from Denmark.

Archer

Okay, Mr. Peabody...

Malory

Are you finished?

Archer

Yes?

Malory

Good. Because the B-52 was—

Archer

In the middle of the Bermuda Triangle! Is this about the Bermuda Triangle? Because that's my fourth biggest fear.

Lana

Son of a...bitches, I am pregnant!

Cyril

Yes! Who could forget, with the bastard spawn of a total stranger.

Lana

Okay, first of all... [flashbang lands near Cyril] Cover your eyes and ears!

Cyril

You're not the boss of me! [flashbang goes off] Meep? Meep?

Ray

I said Ms. Archer had an affair with the head of the KGB for like 30 years.

Cheryl

Yeah, until he got blown up. Which was actually my fault.

Cyril

Because she was busy having choke-sex with a murderous cyborg who then became the new head of the KGB.

Krieger

Until I built a sexier one out of illegal Soviet parts. And a corpse.

Cyril

Oh, Jesus I forgot about the...

Cheryl

Giant pot farm in West Virginia.

Pam

And this whole other thing with the Yakuza.

Ray

Irish mob.

Cheryl

Piracy.

Cyril

White slavery.

Pam

No, actual piracy. With, like, boats.

Krieger

Defiling a corpse.

Cyril

Defiling a different corpse.

Pam

Kidnapping the Pope...

Cheryl

[laughs] Faking my own kidnapping! Arson...

Pam

Bum fights! You know like when you pay bums to...

Cyril

Destroy an oil pipeline in...

Cheryl

I wanna say Burt Reynolds!

Cyril

Turkmenistan?

Malory

Well, what did he say?

Pam

Well, he's not happy, obviously, and he wants his drugs back, and that guy who sold 'em to me's not gonna be playing the violin any time soon.

Archer

Because?

Pam

Because a violin would probably dissolve in the same big drum of acid they dissolved that guy in.

Ew!

Lana

But if all Moto wants is his drugs...

Malory

Then he can give us a refund.

Lana

Of worthless counterfeit money?

Cyril

It's not exactly worthless. The right buyer would probably pay about 15 cents on the dollar for it.

Malory

What?! Why didn't you say that?!

Cyril

Uh, I don't know. I assumed you knew.

Ron

Everybody knows that.

Cyril

How do you not know the different kinds of porn?

Archer

Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing, and a sock.

Lana

[Laughing] Yeah, bitch! That's how I— [Seeing Archer and Pam] Ohh, shit!

Archer

Even a goddamn baby knows, in craps you never bet on the hard way! [Pam slap Archer who sees the bus about to hit them] OHHHHHHHHHHHH—

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—

Pam

You mad?

Archer

Give you three guesses, Pam!

Pam

No...? No...? No!

Archer

Wrong, Pam!

Cyril

What do crocodiles eat?

Archer

EVERYTHING! THEY EAT EVERYTHING! And fear is their bacon bits!

Cyril

Why are you so afraid of crocodiles?

Archer

Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe, deep down, I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T Extinction.

Cyril

The...?

Archer

Physically unchanged for a hundred million years because it's the perfect killing machine: a half ton of coldblooded fury with a bite force of twenty-thousand newtons and a stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hooves. And now we're surrounded, those snake eyes are watching from the shadows waiting for the night...

Ray

[Interrupts, breaking into song] Waiting for the Night!

Lana

I just this second realised why you want to stay down here! Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.

Malory

Is that a reference I should get, or...

Lana

Seriously?

Malory

Well I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school.

Lana

It's from... No, y'know what, never mind. But, spoiler alert, Vader ends up killing Palpatine.

Cyril

Hey.

But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever.

Pam

Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.

Lana

What?

Cyril

Hey.

Malory

Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.

Lana

It cannot possibly!

Ray

Quickly, get it before it gets on me!

Lana

With what? There's nothing to wipe it up with!

Archer

Ah-ha! [Holds up Cyril's vest] Maybe it is good for something!

Cyril

Are you crazy?! That's cashmere!

Archer

Wha- [Hands Cyril back the vest] Oh my God, sorry!

Lana

What, so it's non-absorbent?

Archer

Lana, it's cashmere, there are rules.

Cyril

[on guards advancing on the plane] Those guys look furious.

Archer

Yeah, no shit! So thank you, Ray!

Ray

For what, safely landing the plane?

Archer

What, like that cancels out you getting it shot down in the first place?

Ray

You were the one yapping your head off about my damn teacup pig!

Archer

Who I hope to see on my next BLT!

Ray

Well, too bad, beause... he went to live on a...

Archer

A farm! Exactly! So unless that farm had a magical talking spider...

Pam

Yeah, they don't keep 'em around for their milk.