Cheryl Tunt quotes from Archer

Cheryl

Oh, I thought we were laughing at the dead people we set on fire.

Cheryl

Who am I, Elisha Otis?

Cheryl

[In the waiting room] Oh my god! how much Cancer was in him? This is so boring amd forever-taking.

Cheryl

BUUUURT REYNOLDS! IS ON LINE ONNNNNEEEE!!!!

Cheryl

[vomiting in a toilet] Oh, my God. I'm gonna die in a toilet stall, just like the gypsy said.

Cheryl

My great-grandfather was nuts for skating. That and the Klan.

Cheryl

It has to be your place. Mine totally reeks of ocelot piss.

Cheryl

Milk comes from Mexicans? Oh my God, what's cereal made from?!

Cheryl

[To her brother] You really spent your entire inheritance on... the poors?

Cheryl

[as Pam carries her off] This is only somewhat like that old Gypsy woman said!

Archer

So, obviously, it would be a lot easier for me if you just disabled all that when you left work tonight... somehow.

Cheryl

Ooh, that would make me... uncomfortable.

Archer

Ugh, God, everything makes you uncomfortable!

Archer

Just the tip?

Archer

Just the tip?

Archer

Just the tip!

Archer

How was I supposed to know you're lactose intolerant?

Cheryl

Because I kept screaming it!

Cheryl

Are... are you gonna pay for your lunch?

Archer

Just the tip. [Pause] Actually, I don't have any cash on me. Could you... get it? I also need cab fare. Awww, Ugly Duckling. Quack Quack.

Archer

So, obviously I'm not happy about this whole arrangement, but...

Cyril

But your mother is, so...

Archer

But I wonder what Lana thinks about...

Cyril

Lana's not "need to know" this.

Archer

Wow. "Open purse, remove balls," huh?

Cyril

Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.

Archer

Uh hello! Herpes?!

Cyril

YOU GAVE LANA HERPES?!

Cyril

Hello, Cheryl.

Cheryl

It's Carol.

Archer

Wha-- Since when?

Cheryl

Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.

Archer

Well that's just... Excuse us.

Cyril

What is this herpes business?

Archer

Bad joke. And a false alarm.

Cheryl

Hey, Pam, check this out.

Pam

Holy shit snacks!

Malory

We have snacks?!

Dr. Krieger

[on Elke] Like to get a physical from her.

Cyril

Or with her.

Lana

[performing painful nerve hold on Cyril] I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows how many pounds of pressure it takes to snap a human collarbone.

Cyril

She probably uses the metric system.

Pam

Yeah, what do they use--kilowatts?

Dr. Krieger

No. In this case, it would be pascals.

Cheryl

Hey, Europe: be gayer.

Malory

Lana, release him!

Lana

As you wish. [She releases Cyril] I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Cyril

I find your mannish hands disturbing.

Pam

I think they're kinda sexy.

Lana

Excuse me?

Cheryl

They're fingers, Pam. Not kielbasas.

Archer

[as Mallory rings a dinner bell] Wow. Forgot how much I hate that.

Malory

Oh, that's right. I kept it on the nightstand to wake nanny whenever Sterling wet the bed.

Archer

[as everybody laughs] Mother!

Cheryl

Wait, whose bed?

Woodhouse

It was always "don't ask, don't tell."

Archer

Woodhouse! What are you doing?!

Woodhouse

Uh, sitting down, sir.

Archer

What, at the table?!

Malory

Sterling.

Archer

Like people?!

Malory

Sterling!

Archer

What?! Look, he thinks he's people!