Cyril Figgis quotes from Archer

Malory

Why not?

Cyril

Because it's just not believable that this guy, who also can not be named Cassius, would risk his career for a woman twice his age.

Malory

So make her forty.

Cyril

Yeah, and who's gonna play her?

Malory

Me! That's the whole point!

Cyril

You do realize there's a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe.

Archer

It's a pink ribbon, I have breast cancer.

[Laughing]' Seriously, breast cancer?

Archer

Yes.

Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?

Archer

[Laughing weakly] Excuse me.

Archer

[Between punches] I'm trying... to stay positive... both mentally... and spiritually... Brett!

Cyril

Well he certainly doesn't have cancer in his fists.

Ray

Nah, he's beatin' his ass.

Cyril

I spent last night in the tombs, getting worked over by the cops!

Ray

Fun! ... Oh, you mean literally.

Cyril

Kreiger's father was a nazi scientist!

Malory

And JFK's father was a bootlegger.

Cyril

That's like comparing apples to... nazi oranges!

Malory

Oranges, exactly! Do you like powdered orange breakfast drink?

Cyril

No. Not Really.

Malory

How about Microwave ovens, Neil Armstrong, hook and loop fasteners?

Cyril

Ok, you lost me...

Malory

None of those things would have been possible without the nazi scientists we brought back after World War Two.

Cyril

The nazis invented Neil Armstrong?

Malory

Rockets! Which put him on the moon. After the war ended, we were snatching up kraut scientists like hot cakes. You don't believe me? walk into NASA sometime and yell "Heil Hitler" WOOP they all jump straight up!

Archer

[On Cyril being a field agent] The last time I tried to train him resulted in a dead hooker in my trunk!

Cyril

There was no dead hooker.

Archer

There could have been!

Malory

Anyway, effective immediately, I'm promoting Cyril to field agent.

[simultaneously] What?!

Archer

Hey, that sounds great. Best of luck. [turns to leave]

Malory

Where do you think you're going?

Archer

Oh, sorry, I gotta get back to Earth before the Stargate closes.

Malory

Get back in here!

Archer

Mother, the chevrons are locking!

Cyril

Every single time we come here, we have to help you get rid of a dead body.

Malory

Well you've only been here twice.

Ray

Speaking of, why the hell was the prime minister of Italy here?

Don't ask.

Pam

And follow-up, did those dastardly dagoes kill him and then dress him up like a big, giant penis, or...

Malory

Oh, God, that reminds me. KRIEGER!

Krieger

Yeah, I found it!

Cyril

Found what?

Don't ask!

Krieger

Can I keep it?

Cheryl

Keep what?

Don't ask!

Malory

Just get it out of here, please!

Krieger

Yeah, take that tone.

Cyril

I hate all of you so much.

Ray

No one cares, Figgis. You're only here to round out the numbers.

Cyril

That was a gift to my grandfather! From Frank! SINATRA!

Archer

Which makes me feel even more terrible, since I'm going to puke it back up in five-- [burps] one minutes...

I heard him tell you to do it.

And I'm telling you to do it.

And I'm telling you that I didn't sign up for Animal Farm in space!

Archer

[in hiding with Lana and Cyril] Wait, there are animals?

Lana

No, Animal Farm.

Cyril

How do you not get that?

Archer

Cyril, I know what an animal farm is.

Cyril

Not an animal farm—

Archer

Maybe we can, I don't know, stampede a flock of goats down the hall.

Lana

Animal Farm is a book.

Archer

No, it isn't, Lana! It's an allegorical novella about Stalinism by George Orwell! And spoiler alert: IT SUCKS! [Guns are pointed at them by Kellogg and the scientist] Although, I was talking about an actual animal farm. So... never mind.

Lana

How could you not see that?!

Cyril

Because, I only have two eyes and they were both busy looking for hunters!

Lana

[Referring to Cyril's bright orange snow clothes] Why, is it "pumpkin season"?!

Cyril

[Gasps] Is that a thing?

Cyril

Why is your instinctive response to run toward explosions?

Lana

Ummm... Because... I'm not a giant pussy!

Cyril

And yet, somehow, incredibly single.

Archer

[In a Terminator voice] Your clothes. Give them to me!

Cyril

Ah!

Archer

[In normal voice] I'm just kidding, obviously! I wouldn't be caught dead in a sweater-vest! Now, if you'll excuse me... [Passes out]

Pam

Just like Fourth of Jul-Luau!

Yeah, if you slid a pig under him.

Archer

[Stranded in the desert] Unless I'm hallucinating, there's a Land Cruiser over there flipping his high-beams at us.

You're hallucinating.

Archer

Oh. Well, the good news is we don't have to worry about these alligators... that's not actually good news, is it?

Archer

Mexico's most notorious coyote... Which is Español for "people smuggler."

Lana

Thanks. That's—

Archer

And also for... coyote, it turns out.

Lana

Archer—

Archer

It's a loanword. Or is it a calque?

Lana

Why do you always do this?

Archer

Because I'm always bored.

Cyril

Is he—? This is totally nerve-wracking. How are you bored?

Lana

Don't engage him.

Archer

Because I've been lying in scorpion piss for two hours in the sun-blasted shit-hole which is Texas, waiting for a stupid truck stuffed with smallish brown people who just want a job.

Cyril

And probably Mexican cartel gunmen!

Lana

What'd I just say?

Archer

Big whoop. I'm spooning a Barrett .50-cal. I could kill a building.

Lana

Just put one through the engine block when the truck has to stop, please. [To Cyril] This is what he does. He knows we're tense, because we're normal human beings. My theory—and I'm serious—is that he's got some rare kind of pervasive developmental disorder, or even undiagnosed atypical autism.

Archer

Um... Your mic's hot.

Lana

I know.

Archer

Wow.