Pam Poovey quotes from Archer

Pam

Plus I'm a quick learner, plus you've seen me drive I'm an amazing driver, plus I almost never get sick, plus I already bought three pantsuits, plus...

Malory

Alright! I'll think about it.

Pam

Is that a real "you'll think about it," or a "Pam, if your pig Leon wins a blue ribbon at the county fair, maybe we won't kill him and eat him for Easter dinner and render what's left into soap," "you'll think about it"?

Malory

It's...

Pam

Because I never really got over that.

Malory

It's a real one!

Pam

YAAAAYYYY!!!

Malory

But thank you for that glimpse into your bleak, farm-y childhood.

Pam

It was actually pretty awesome. And if I'm being honest, so was Leon.

Archer

Put that down, Pam, he's not— [Pam drops the mirror right on the Pope] —dead! Nice job, Oliver Cromwell!

Pam

I killed the Pope!

Archer

Yeah, that's why I said Oliver—

Pam

[Jumps on top of the mirror that's still on the Pope, grabbing Archer by his shirt] JESUS CHRIST, I'M GOING TO HELL! I'M GOING TO HELL! I— [Archer slaps her four times]

Archer

Pam.

Pam

Yes?

Archer

Get off the Pope.

The good news is my men have apprehended Cardinal Correlli, who immediately confessed to the plot.

Pam

HA-HEY! That is good news!

Lana

You know how the whole the good news is thing works, right?

The bad news is...

Pam

Oh, right.

Pam

So, what are you, like, the Mafia?

Hah! We are like your Mafia...

Lana

Like Seal Team 6 is like the Girl Scouts.

Exactly.

Cecil

Hi, it's Pam, right? Enjoying the cruelty-free vegan seafood buffet?

Pam

It's pretty good once you get over how allergic I am to soy.

Cecil

What?! Oh my God, don't eat that!

Pam

HEY! I'm a consenting adult! [coughes] Plus, I assume you've got an Epi-pen on this rip-tide-looking bastard?

Cecil

Yes, in the cockpit. In the first aid kit.

Pam

Then shut up! [continues devouring the "shrimp"]

Cheryl

[whispering from offscreen] Psst.. Pam!

Pam

Oh, Already?! [to the "shrimp" she's holding] Look, auditory hallucinations aren't gonna make you any less delicious!

Pam

Yeah, they're shooting at you!

Archer

Who?

Cheryl

The storm ninjas!

Archer

What? That's not a thing, idiot! [beat] Oh. I stand corrected.

Cyril

Oh, Jesus I forgot about the...

Cheryl

Giant pot farm in West Virginia.

Pam

And this whole other thing with the Yakuza.

Ray

Irish mob.

Cheryl

Piracy.

Cyril

White slavery.

Pam

No, actual piracy. With, like, boats.

Krieger

Defiling a corpse.

Cyril

Defiling a different corpse.

Pam

Kidnapping the Pope...

Cheryl

[laughs] Faking my own kidnapping! Arson...

Pam

Bum fights! You know like when you pay bums to...

Cyril

Destroy an oil pipeline in...

Cheryl

I wanna say Burt Reynolds!

Cyril

Turkmenistan?

Malory

Amphetamines?!

Pam

Right? And I know it sounds crazy, but I like them as much as cocaine!

Malory

Well, what did he say?

Pam

Well, he's not happy, obviously, and he wants his drugs back, and that guy who sold 'em to me's not gonna be playing the violin any time soon.

Archer

Because?

Pam

Because a violin would probably dissolve in the same big drum of acid they dissolved that guy in.

Ew!

Lana

But if all Moto wants is his drugs...

Malory

Then he can give us a refund.

Lana

Of worthless counterfeit money?

Cyril

It's not exactly worthless. The right buyer would probably pay about 15 cents on the dollar for it.

Malory

What?! Why didn't you say that?!

Cyril

Uh, I don't know. I assumed you knew.

Ron

Everybody knows that.

Lana

What are you eating?

Pam

Yogurt.

Malory

[snatching spoon] Give me that! Lick it.

Archer

Well, can't unhear that. [Takes lick from spoon] Holy shit, yogurt is amazing! Why have I never tried yogurt?

Lana

How have you never tried yogurt?

Archer

Mmm, I didn't know it was that good.

Malory

It's good because it's cocaine!

Archer

Oh, my God, and little kids eat it?

Lana

[Laughing] Yeah, bitch! That's how I— [Seeing Archer and Pam] Ohh, shit!

Archer

Even a goddamn baby knows, in craps you never bet on the hard way! [Pam slap Archer who sees the bus about to hit them] OHHHHHHHHHHHH—

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—

Pam

You mad?

Archer

Give you three guesses, Pam!

Pam

No...? No...? No!

Archer

Wrong, Pam!

Archer

Lana, in case you haven't noticed, this place is crawling with rebels.

Pam

And not the good kind you get drunk with at Myrtle Beach and cruise the strip in the bed of their Monster truck with a big rebel flag on it, flinging empty longnecks at people!

Lana

Yeah, those aren't actually the good kind either.

Pam

Now who's racist?!

Archer

Those guys, Pam. Those exact same guys you just described.

Lana

I just this second realised why you want to stay down here! Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.

Malory

Is that a reference I should get, or...

Lana

Seriously?

Malory

Well I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school.

Lana

It's from... No, y'know what, never mind. But, spoiler alert, Vader ends up killing Palpatine.

Cyril

Hey.

But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever.

Pam

Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.

Lana

What?

Cyril

Hey.

Malory

Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.

Lana

It cannot possibly!