Pam Poovey quotes from Archer

Krieger

I needed help...disseminating him.

Cheryl

Eww!

Pam

Not what it means.

Lana

Still pretty gross though.

Krieger

And brilliant. When I'm done with him, each one of us will walk out the front door carrying a small parcel.

Ray

How small?

Krieger

[holding hands a little over a foot apart] Eh. Then on our way home, we simply drop the parcels into seven different trash cans in three different boroughs.

Lana

That's...actually pretty smart.

Krieger

And hopefully, when you look at all the different drop points on a map, it'll look like a big smiley face.

Lana

That's actually pretty gross.

Cyril

Every single time we come here, we have to help you get rid of a dead body.

Malory

Well you've only been here twice.

Ray

Speaking of, why the hell was the prime minister of Italy here?

Don't ask.

Pam

And follow-up, did those dastardly dagoes kill him and then dress him up like a big, giant penis, or...

Malory

Oh, God, that reminds me. KRIEGER!

Krieger

Yeah, I found it!

Cyril

Found what?

Don't ask!

Krieger

Can I keep it?

Cheryl

Keep what?

Don't ask!

Malory

Just get it out of here, please!

Krieger

Yeah, take that tone.

Archer

Where did you learn all that stuff?

Pam

You know I grew up on a farm, right?

Archer

Really hoping that's not relevant.

Archer

And instead of doing my job, I was here...Half-drunk and having amazing sex.

Pam

Well, I wouldn't say "amazing." [Archer looks at her] C'mon, you were pushing rope!

Archer

If anyone found out, I'd literally die of shame.

Pam

And how do you think that makes me feel?!

Archer

I don't care, Pam! [Pause] Having said that, would you please come into this dirty toilet stall and have sex with me?

Pam

Oh, alright. [As they go into the stall] But this time, really get in there. All you've been doing is giving one side hell!

Pam

Holy crapsnack, how is this gonna get—

Archer

Don't, don't you say it.

Pam

Any worse, is what I was gonna say.

Archer

[annoyed and sarcastic] Really?

Pam

[serious] Yes.

Pam

Speaking of, you see the bulge on that towel boy? Man, if I was you, I'd be in this spa 25/8.

Cheryl

Yeah, but then I wouldn't get to hang out with everybody at work.

Pam

You hate everybody at work.

Cheryl

I know. It's the only thing that gets me out of bed every morning.

Malory

Oh, Ron, thank you for coming so quickly.

Pam

Phrasing! First! Boom!

Pam

This is Rodney, he's the new... whatever... gun librarian.

Armory supervisor!

Archer

[In a Terminator voice] Your clothes. Give them to me!

Cyril

Ah!

Archer

[In normal voice] I'm just kidding, obviously! I wouldn't be caught dead in a sweater-vest! Now, if you'll excuse me... [Passes out]

Pam

Just like Fourth of Jul-Luau!

Yeah, if you slid a pig under him.

Archer

Since certain people around here may not see how brilliant my plan is, they're gonna need to be...

Pam

Convinced?

Archer

I'm sorry, did you say "incapacitated"?

Lana

Why not?! Why won't you stand up to Malory with me?

Pam

Um, because we don't give a shit?

Lana

About the Earth?!

Cheryl

Please! If you really cared, you'd resign, but there's no way you ever will because you're just counting days until, her face bloated and yellow from liver failure, she calls you to her deathbed and in a croaky whisper explains that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent and that you, the long suffering Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run ISIS and you weep shameful tears because this terrible place is the only true love you will ever know...

Lana

[shocked] ...Excuse me... [Leaves]

Pam

Daaaaaamn!

Cheryl

What? ...Oh-my-God was I talking?

Cyril

God, were you raised in a barn?

Pam

No. I just slept out there a lot.

Pam

Aww man, did I miss it?!

Cheryl

Oh my god, the toilet!?

Pam

No, Jesus! ...Although it is clogged.

Malory

My God, a perfect score on the IFAAB merely indicates that a person is a candidate for field agent status! It can't determine if they're suited for actual field work. I mean, what if she had to subdue an agent?

Pam

Cue sad trombone, and... go.

Malory

Pam! What the hell did you... waagh! [Brief shot of Cyril thrown to ground and picked up and thrown again] My God!

Krieger

And it goes on like that for another 38 soul-cleaving minutes

Ray

Of which, you were there for 2.

Krieger

3! Hey, I was scared, I ran away; sue me! And sue me for this! Smoke bomb!