American Dad! Season 9 quotes

Roger, I need your help. There's a big crazy guy at school who wants to beat the crap out of me.

[Roger takes his glasses and clothes off, then puts his glasses back on. he puts his hands together and inhales]

I'm listening.

We're supposed to fight Friday at 3:00. I only have two days to find a way out of it.

I know a guy who loves a good fight. I'll give him a call. He'll take care of your problems.

Oh, thank you. Wait, the guy's not gonna be you, is he?

No, I promise.

'Cause a lot of times when you say "you know a guy", you're really just thinking about yourself.

Fine! It was gonna be me, but since you're making a big deal about it, I'll call somebody else, okay? Stop figuring out my tricks! [crushes his desk with a bat and puts his clothes back on] My model plane.

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S9Lost in Space

Okay, So this ship...is just one big shopping mall?

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S9Da Flippity Flop

Roger, what the hell is... [sees that Roger's room has become a gym] Holy cow, you really do have a gym up here.

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[after Klaus has hit Stan on the head, knocking him out]

Klaus

Stan, are you okay? You have to wake up. We have to go.

[Stan regains consciousness and sees that Klaus' voice has come from his body]

Guten morgen, fish face!

[Stan is shocked to see himself in Klaus' fish body]

You son of a bitch! You switch us back right... [defecates] Oh, God. Oh, my God. I just pooped. Does it just float here? Why is my mind telling me to eat it?

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Hey, Stan.

Klaus

[in Stan’s body] Hey!

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Oh my stars, what a day!

AMAnswering Machine

You have new messages.

When did I get an answering machine?

RRoger (voicemail)

Hey, Steve, how's it going? It's Roger over at Roger's Gym. Just wanted to follow up on your visit. Give me a shout when you can, no presh. Hope you're well, man. [machine beeps] Steve-O! Steve, Roger, Roger's Gym. Hey, I was talking to my manager, incredible deal just popped up, thought of you. Holla atcha, boi! Call immediately. [machine beeps] Steve, it's Rowdy Roddy Piper. No I'm just kidding, it's Roger. Just on a smoothie run, want to see what you wanted. I'll just grab you the protein power blend, meet you up in the gym in about fifteen, we'll get the sign-up outta the way. [a car horn and a huge crash is heard] Ah, you clipped me, bro! Make that twenty bud, I got clipped. I'm okay, not everybody's okay. Actually if you could get the smoothies, that would be a big help, and grab me a bagel would ya? YOU CLIPPED ME, CHIEF! [machine beeps, Roger whispers] Hey, Steve. Hey, I'm at the courthouse, I'm not supposed to have my phone. Three people died in that accident, they're saying it's my fault, but it's total crap. Anyways, listen, if you could just stop by the courthouse, drop off those smoothies, we could knock off that sign-up, I got the forms with me. My manager said he'd throw in a couple of pilates classes, I've never seen him do that.

OVOther voice (voicemail)

Hey, get off the phone!

RRoger (voicemail)

[angrily] What'd you say to me?! [machine beeps]

SSnot (voicemail)

Steve, it's Snot! Turn on the news, dude! Someone's going berserk at the courthouse shooting everybody up! [machine beeps]

RRoger (voicemail)

Steve, it's Roge! Roge, the Dodge Charger, I'm back at the gym. Listen, my manager is freaking out about this deal I'm offering you, I can hold him off for a couple few. Call me... [Steve pushes the machine's button] Steve! [Steve pushes again] Steve-O! [Steve pushes again] S-Man! [Steve pushes again] Stefan Urkel! [Steve pushes again] Even Steven! [Steve pushes again] Steve-it-to-Steaver! [Steve pushes again] STEVEN, PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE!! [Steve pushes again] Hi, calling for Steven Smith. [Steve pushes again, Roger speaks in poor feminine voice] Hello, Steve, this is the girl that you like.

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S9 E2Poltergasm

[having witnessed footage of a scary ghost version of Francine]

[to a recorder] 3:43. Just peed myself. [pauses, then continues] Asparagus.

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[to her dazed father] Dad, you have to snap out of it! You gotta get Mom where she needs to get to!

I can't, Hayley! I don't know what to do! If only there was some sort of kindly robot or magic wand that could pleasure my wife. But we live in the real world.

Dad, look around you! The ghost is getting stronger! You have to satisfy Mom!

You're right. But I clearly don't know what I'm doing anymore!

You just need to get some help. A book or the Internet...

Or an oversexed hippie who just happens to be my daughter. Hayley, you are gonna be my sex coach.

[after a moment of pause] Well, that really backfired on me, didn't it?

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S9 E3Buck, Wild

I don't believe this! How could they put me at the kids' table? I'm 14!

KIKid in costume

I'm Batman.

NO, YOU'RE NOT! [sighs] I'm too old for this. I don't wanna be around all these babies playing Pokémon, badly. This kid right here is just wasting his Charizard. [to the kid] You are wasting your Charizard!

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It's about time the hunter who became the huntee becomes the hunter,… again.

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S9 E4Crotchwalkers

[Francine brings an incapacitated Stan to Hayley and Roger]

Okay. I'll bite. What's up with the gyroscope on his junk?

Stan was injured and went into a rare condition known as "testicular retreat syndrome". His "nuggs" were so traumatized, they ran up into his body to heal.

What?! Will he be okay?

We don't know yet. They might drop down again someday, but the doctors say there's a good chance they'll just die up there, like a gut-torn rabbit in a wooden thicket.

Wait. Hold on a second. I'm confused. WHY TO HELL DIDN'T YOU DICKS SHOW UP TO OUR BALALAIKA CONCERT?!?!

[falsetto voice] I've got bigger problems right now than supporting your commie music!

[Hayley and Roger laugh]

Stop! So what if I sound a little feminine?! Stop laughing, and treat me with the respect I deserve!

[Hayley and Roger laugh again]

My voice is not that…

[dogs are heard barking faintly]

Not that high.

[the barking grows louder]

It's a little higher than usual.

[the barking grows even louder; the sound of banging against the door is heard]

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[after hearing Stan sing Climb Ev'ry Mountain while still in his falsetto voice]

Oh, my God! That was transcendent!

Klaus

With you and your heavenly voice accompanying us, we'll skyrocket to the top of the ever-popular world music charts!

I say we reunite the band, but as a quartet! How 'bout it, Daddy?

I suppose I could give it a try.

[the others cheer]

Yeah, it'll be fun, right? I mean, this could be just what I need to get outta this living room. [suction pops off Stan's crotch; back in his normal voice] And back into life. [looks down] My boys just dropped!

No! No! No!

Thank God I'm back to normal! I don't have to settle for a life of singing with you idiots after all! [sings as he leaves] Swing low, sweet chariot…

Ah, the hell with it.

[he, Hayley, and Klaus drop their instruments]

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[Matilda, still stuck in the sweatshop forced to sew clothes, is still thinking about Francine's promise to rescue her, but what she didn't know is that Francine actually forgot to save her. After 6 months of remembering that and realizing she isn't coming for her, Matilda had only one thing to say about Francine:]

MMatilda

Bitch. [continues sewing]

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S9 E5Kung Pao Turkey

[Stan finds Francine and her mother in the kitchen cooking dinner]

Francine, what the hell's goin' on in here? It should smell like turkey and stuffing, not a medley of longevity-inducing vegetables.

Dad, this is my mom's famous stir-fry. I thought we could have it instead of sweet potatoes.

But that's not Thanksgiving! I don't wanna see this tiny corn!

MMMah Mah

I don't wanna see your tiny corn. Put on some pants!

I'm not changing the way I dress on this most American of days. This is traditional American Thanksgiving garb. You know how you guys always wear karate outfits? Well, this is Uncle Sam's version of that.

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[whistles] Here, Dixie Cup!

[his SUV pulls up to him]