MMitch
A car is simply a means of transporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived for they contain the dough... of life.
S1 E19It's Good to Be Queen
[sarcastically as he goes on a delivery with Mitch] Oh, this is gonna be life changing.
[cut to Roger and Mitch exiting the house; this time]
[wide-eyed] That was totally life changing!
[Klaus, Hayley and Jeff are sitting around stoned, after having eaten marijuana brownies]
They say if you play it backwards ... you can hear the voice of a dead kid.
Wow ... wait, how do you play Monopoly backwards?
[The doorbell rings; loud knocking is heard.]
Oh mein Gott! Oh mein Gott!
Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out!
It's the cops! Quick, flush me down the toilet!
S1 E20Roger 'n Me
DGDoctor Gupta
When you ran over your wife - twice - it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we, in the medical profession, call "a husk."
I've heard of that.
DGDoctor Gupta
We can reattach her brain, but it's an experimental prodecure your insurance won't cover.
That's my wife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it!
DGDoctor Gupta
It's $178,000.
What if I don't need her to talk?
Stan might be an insensitive feelings-hurter, but he'd never cheat on you.
It's not Stan I'm worried about. It's the female "entertainment" I don't trust. Men throw a little cash out 'em, they'll do anything. Then sometimes when you're on the floor with another girl, guys'll throw money, then pick it up and throw the same singles out there again. Like I'm an idiot. Like I don't have peripheral vision!
[awkward pause]
You got a best buddy? Can I be your second buddy?
Let's see, how do I hang an air freshner on this? You are a total waste waste of space. I often dream of killing you.
[inhales]
Ah, Mountain Pine.
S1 E21Helping Handis
Steve, I can't believe you're here! [he and his friend are doing chemistry] The Schwartzstein's house is going off. It's like a damn Ludacris video; pimp cups, shorties, it's all crunked out.
We're quantifying the molecular--
Steve, if you're gonna crawl out this geek squad, you gotta log some time with the cool kids. Now get goin'! I'd-uh-ditch Fatty and Dim Sum on the way here; they're gonna blow the ratio.
Damn your experimental steroids!
It's okay, son, you're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called 'roid rage.
Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right! [pulls front of bathrobe] I have boobs!
Oh, my God!
I know. Talk about a butterface.
What are you doing, you animals?! Feet on the couch-I just steam cleaned! Salsa on the carpet?! But I vacuumed! [spots a male putting a beer can on the TV, sees a hand putting a cup on table, and another places a beer can on the same table then a droplet splashed] Coasteeerrrrrs! Aaaagggghhhh!
[held by Deaf Teddy] Ow! Let go of me!
Hayley, what are you doing here?
I was worried...you were acting so crazy, so I followed you.
DTDeaf Teddy
[through sign language] I found her eavesdropping. Also, I'll need some time off in March. My wife's really on my ass.
WWaitress
Breadsticks, courtesy of table four. [two men wave at Stan and Steve]
Thanks, fellas, thank you. Wave to the nice men, Steve. Not too eager, son, they just bought us bread; they didn't let us take the Jag out for a spin.
Francine (before leaving for her next operation): Man, these hours are brutal. No wonder those doctors on Scrubs don't have time to be funny. (leaves)
Klaus (sadly): I like Scrubs.
S1 E22With Friends Like Steve's
[to evil Barry] Sure, you can kill me with your gun, but are you willing to try something much more elaborate and unnecessary?
Thanks for driving me home, Mr. Smith. We're going faster than people.
Quiet, fatty fat-fat fatty!
Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch. (gives Steve the doormat)
Great, it's the fat one.
That's a doormat, Barry.
Who's Matt Barry?
God, I hate you so much!
Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
If it's okay with his parents.
Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Good people. My kind of people.
(Barry's watch beeps)
Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Fatty can use the garden hose!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.