[Francine tries to convince Stan to keep Fussy the dog, but Stan refuses]
Forget it, Francine! We've already got something girly and annoying in this house. It's called Roger.
S1 E16Not Particularly Desperate Housewife
Stan, help me. I've been faking an affair to impress the Ladybugs, and they found out I was lying, and now they're trying to kill me!
A cult of murderous housewives. Before 9/11, I wouldn't have believed it. Or at least I'd ask you some follow-up questions. But that's just not the world we live in anymore.
[Stan is about to punch Roger, and Roger accidentally hits Stan in the crotch. Stan groans and falls on his knees]
Oh, God, I forgot. That's where you humans keep your boys. I'm so, so sorry. Here, let me help. [punches him in the crotch again] Don't be startin' what you can't finish, bitch.
There was a very famous Jewish girl who kept a diary. It... ended badly. But enough about Fran Drescher! [laughs] You thought I was making a Holocaust joke! [angrily] Shame on you!
Hey, Linda. Wanna go to that art auction?
LLinda
We can't. It's our biweekly puzzle night. We are this close to finishing that covered bridge.
But wouldn't it be fun to mix it up a little?
LLinda
You're right. Let's do the rest of the puzzle without looking at the box! Flying blind! Whoo!
[Roger sits at the dinner table with a cigarette in his mouth]
Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times: No smoking in the house!
And I told you it's menthol. So it's healthier than an apple.
S1 E17Rough Trade
Are you drunk?
Working on it.
If that were a real Wish Bowl, it would be in the Ferrari of a 600-year-old Incan on the way to his job as Jessica Alba's G-string.
[Stan and Klaus are at home, watching The $100,000 Pyramid]
This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
An elevated blood-alcohol content.
[later, Stan is watching TV drunk]
Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!
You're watching The Price Is Right.
Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!
[alone in the attic] Things that are getting fat. Things that might be wrong, and Roger might be right. Things that should buck up! Things that will be proven right in the end! Aw, things that are just kidding themselves. Things that are useless. Things that are getting soft! Things that are stupid, dumb stupid-heads! Things that miss being needed. Things that need more wine to make the pain go away! [crying]
[Francine runs after Stan, trips over the mop and goes face first into the doorknob giving her a black eye]:
[Two cops come up to her]:
I deserved it for leaving the mop out.
S1 E18Finances With Wolves
[closing lines, after he is reverted back into a goldfish] I guess it's true what they say; once you're black, there's no going back.
[Reading the instructions, trying to make Mac&Cheese] Hmm... Boil water. What am I? A CHEMIST?!
[Talking To Barry] You gonna use your diaper? Kinda floating over here.
Sure let me just [Screams] Sorry ocupodo.
S1 E19It's Good to Be Queen
G1Guy #1
It's all set, right?
G2Guy #2
It's gonna be just like in Carrie. [pulls rope; several squealing pigs fall on Stan]
G1Guy #1
Pigs? It was supposed to be pig's blood.
G2Guy #2
I didn't finish the book.
G1Guy #1
You stopped reading after the word "pigs"? That wasn't even the end of the sentence.
Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye!
Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!"
Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.