Steve Smith quotes from American Dad!

Stan Smith

Hilary, look out for the mines! [off-screen explosion] What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?

Steve Smith

You said, "Look out for the mines."

Stan Smith

I said, "Look out for the mines."

Principal Lewis

Smith! What's the meaning of this?!

Steve Smith

Principal Lewis, I am taking your office. Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High Statuette 39-F, quote, "The Student Body President can acquisition any room on school premises for the purpose of conducting school business."

Principal Lewis

You can read! The school system works! [dejectedly] I'll be back for my stuff.

Steve Smith

All periods will now be called Steves.

[to another boy] Hey, I'm thinking of cutting third Steve, you in?

Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve.

[to class] So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Steve.

Mr. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.

Steve

I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.

Francine

Aw, sweetie, there was a 70-80% chance of that happening, anyway.

Steve

Toshi, you have a video camera, right?

[subtitled] You assume this because I am Asian. You are a racist.

Steve

Wow, that's a lot of words for of course.

Steve

I can't believe you muscled out your own son. You stink, Dad!

Stan

Oh, come on. What's more important? Your hopes and dreams or me making more than your mother?

Steve

I remember when my sister had her accident. Oh, did I not mention my sister, who was horrifically burned to over 98% of her body?

That's terrible!

Steve

Only her taint survived.

Roger

[after knocking out two girls with a frying pan] Did you see where they went?

Steve

Who?

Roger

The black guys who did this.

Francine

Hayley, why don't you say grace?

Hayley

I'll pass.

Steve

Come on, you pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh God! Oh God!"

Stan

[clearly not understanding or ignoring the innuendo] Yes, yes, she's very devout.

Stan

Well, if you're ever taken hostage by, say, a neighbor, and you end up on Al Jazeera, just blink your coordinates in Morse code, like this [blinks quickly as an example] and I'll have a bomb dropped on your location.

Steve

But then I'd be dead.

Stan

Oh, c'mon, sport, there are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist....Well she must be at least sixteen by now. You could totally hit that!

Steve

What am I gonna do?!

Hayley

Whatever you want. You know, a pregnant boy still has the right to choose.

Stan

Not in this house he doesn't. We're conservatives! And the one way we don't like to kill things is that way!

Steve

Hello, India? Yeah, it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well, listen to this. [starts rubbing the phone receiver against his shoulder] Yeah, that's me wiping my butt with it. Oh, it is on. Meet me at the border at three o'clock.

Roger

Oh, and FYI, I'm punching a cow right now. [hangs up] That'll drive them crazy.

Steve

I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.

Francine

Aw... Now why would you say that?

Steve

Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.

Francine

Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work, or mow the lawn, or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.

Steve

Hey, maybe until Dad get better, I can clean the gutters.

Francine

That's creepy, honey.

Stan

Steve!

Steve

Is this a bad time?

Stan

No, no. I was just buffing the table with your mother. [starts doing so]

Steve

Dad! There you are!

Stan

Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?

Steve

Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.