American Dad! · Season 1, Episode 3
“Stan Knows Best” · Season 1, Episode 3
In this episode: Stan Smith (6), Francine Smith (4), Hayley Smith (3), Steve Smith (1), Jeff Fischer (1)
(Stan is yelling at Hayley for dying her hair green and going to an Independent Party rally)
You missed family game night for that?! Go wash it out; you look like a slutty wad of money.
No way!
[quickly reassembles, points gun at Hayley] Yes way!
Stan!
She started it!
(The morning after: Hayley wakes up to find that Stan shaved her head in her sleep)
It's okay honey, you don't look like a giant penis.
How's everyone's French toast?
Smelly and ungrateful. But this American toast is delicious!
These wigs are fashioned after the most revered Republican first ladies of our time. [pointing out the various wigs] The Barbara Bush, the Nancy Reagan, the Maria Shriver.... [looks directly at the audience] Stay tuned.
Those are terrible!
Hey, girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice!
You get back here, Hayley! No? Well, I didn't want to had to use this, but-- Rhubarb!
"Rhubarb"?
Hmm, that's her trigger word; I had her brainwashed at five. She's supposed to kill Walter Mondale, but I guess it didn't take. [a zoned-out Steve walks by in the background with a sniper rifle]
[Steve, after tutoring a girl, tries to convince her that Roger, his "sister," is a burn victim]
I remember when my sister had her accident. Oh, did I not mention my sister, who was horrifically burned to over 98% of her body?
That's terrible!
Only her taint survived.
[Hayley, working as a bar girl at the strip club, brings a guy a beer]
Hey, waitress! Bring me another beer.
But I just brought you one.
Yeah, this one's to drown my crabs. [pours beer down his pants]
How could you let Hayley do this?!
Do what?
Don't play dumb! You know she's stripping. Showing people her Ho Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Suzie Q's, her...her...uh...aw, God, what...what are those called...? Those little, uh... pink with coconut...? They're really good....
Her Sno-Balls?
You bastard!
[fighting a stripper in a Bo-Peep outfit] Hey Bo-Peep, I know where you can find your sheep, in hell!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
