Steve Smith quotes from American Dad!

Stan

[bending antennas on TV in anger] Murderer! You killed my son!

Steve

I'm still alive, Dad.

Stan

Yes, but you're dead inside.

Steve

So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?

Stan

That's right. Or angels will kill you.

Snot

Dude, she's got wrinkles!

Steve

So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet.

Steve

How come all the women are dressed like ninjas?

Hayley

They're wearing abayas. Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures. The beauty myth doesn't exist here.

Stan

It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why wouldn't we go there? Talk about a bunch of dogs.

Francine

Honey, maybe you and Rashad would like to go play.

Steve

Mom, he's like eight years old. I'm not a little kid anymore. My childhood died on July 18 2003. The day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault.

Francine

Steve-

Steve

Why was he even in Colorado in the first place? Black man don't go to Colorado.

Steve

Can I see your boobs?

I must warn you. Those who've stared into the bosom of eternal wisdom have been driven hopelessly insane.

Steve

Wow. Now I have to see them!

Hayley

Gee Dad, 24 hours ago you hated America.

Stan

Oh ha ha ha, shut the hell up Hayley.

Steve

Really Dad, like what?

Stan

Well there's...

Francine

Damn it's good to be home!

Steve

It's not the worst place in the world, yeah yeah.

You know, Steve, you'll be all grown up before you know it. So in the meantime, why not enjoy being a kid a little longer? Because it doesn't last forever.

Steve

Hey, can I see your boobs?

Stan

Hey, son!

Steve

Don't "son" me, baby-snatcher! [pushes a bookcase onto Stan's wheelchair-ridden body]

Stan

[after a pause, apparently not upset at his son] Something on your mind, champ?

Hayley

Steve! What are you doing?

Steve

[suavely] Something we've wanted to do for years, "sis". [he proceeds to french-kiss her for five seconds while she struggles to get away to no avail]

Roger

[in shock of what he just witnessed] Oh. My. God. [now with a smile on his face] Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy.

Hayley

What are you doing?

Klaus

Hayley, good. You're here. I caught Steve red-handed.

Steve

Why, you- [to Hayley] Look, I'm just reaching out to you. Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know my own sister? [mocking voice] And to read about you giving Coach Schwartz a Rod Carew in the Taco King parking lot?

Stan

[Reading the instructions, trying to make Mac&Cheese] Hmm... Boil water. What am I? A CHEMIST?!

Steve

[Talking To Barry] You gonna use your diaper? Kinda floating over here.

Barry

Sure let me just [Screams] Sorry ocupodo.

Roger

Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye!

Steve

Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!"

Roger

Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.

Stan

Steve, I can't believe you're here! [he and his friend are doing chemistry] The Schwartzstein's house is going off. It's like a damn Ludacris video; pimp cups, shorties, it's all crunked out.

Steve

We're quantifying the molecular--

Stan

Steve, if you're gonna crawl out this geek squad, you gotta log some time with the cool kids. Now get goin'! I'd-uh-ditch Fatty and Dim Sum on the way here; they're gonna blow the ratio.

Steve

Damn your experimental steroids!

Stan

It's okay, son, you're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called 'roid rage.

Steve

Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right! [pulls front of bathrobe] I have boobs!

Stan

Oh, my God!

Klaus

I know. Talk about a butterface.

Barry

Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch. (gives Steve the doormat)

Stan

Great, it's the fat one.

Steve

That's a doormat, Barry.

Barry

Who's Matt Barry?

Stan

God, I hate you so much!

Steve

Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?

Francine

If it's okay with his parents.

Barry

Oh, they won't care. They never care.

Stan

Good people. My kind of people.

Barry

Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?

Stan

Fatty can use the garden hose!