American Dad! · Season 1, Episode 7
“Deacon Stan, Jesus Man” · Season 1, Episode 7
In this episode: Stan Smith (7), Roger (3), Klaus (3), Steve Smith (2), Francine Smith (2), Hayley Smith (2)
Why so sensitive all of a sudden?
I'm going through my reproductive cycle. It's complicated. I'll draw you a diagram. Every six years, my gIaxins shoot up into my fompairs, causing me to lactate a viscous milky mucus. (milks his breasts)
Ugh! Your insides sicken me! I'll be in mein crapper. [sigh] I'm always in mein crapper.
[after Klaus reveals that Roger ate all of Francine's potato salad.]
You set me up, Klaus! Why would you do something so awful?
I'm German. It's what we do.
Roger [after Klaus reveals Roger's secret to producing more milk]: Why, Klaus? Why?!
Ja. Still German.
[after Karl Rove is seated at the kitchen table]
Wait, I know you! You're the amoral puppet master behind George W. Bush!
Thank you.
There is one person I would like to thank... [Francine stands up] Karl Rove! [wolf howls while Francine looks down in disappointment] Karl, come up here.
[Karl moves into the church doorway and he begins to emit smoke, screaming in pain. He then stands back.]
I'm good here. My work is done! [transforms into a swarm of bats and flies off]
[to Stan] You don't care about being deacon! You just wanna beat Chuck White. Why do you hate him so much?
Look at his life, Francine. He's got a bigger paycheck, a better wife, better kids...
Stan, that's incredibly hurtful!
I know! That's why I really wanna shove it in his face this time!
[Roger explaining the "secret ingredient" in Francine's potato salad]
Last night I ate all your potato salad, and I tried to make more but there was no mayo, so instead I used... [to Francine] Well, pull my finger.
[Francine does so. Roger's milk squirts out of his breasts. Francine, Heyley and Steve vomit in disgust]
Mystery solved.
I don't get it. So what's the secret ingredient?
What am I gonna do?!
Whatever you want. You know, a pregnant boy still has the right to choose.
Not in this house he doesn't. We're conservatives! And the one way we don't like to kill things is that way!
[after holding hands with Betsy] I touched her hand... her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob! Algebra's awesome!
We can bring chips and dip to the wake.
Chips and dip? Tell you what, Francine. Why don't you just take this broom here, [hands her a broom] I'll bend over and grab my ankles, [does so] you lube up the handle real good, and just sweep me out the door. Cos that's what'll happen to my chances at deacon if the best we can do is chips and dip!
I can make potato salad.
Potato salad? Not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done. [about to leave the room, then stops] That reminds me. We should have sex tonight.
We'll call you in Aunt Janet's farm in Iowa once you get settled.
So does this mean I don't have to do gymnastics any more?
Of course it does!
You should have thought of that before doing the splits all over town! Ha Ha!
[abdicating his position as Deacon] It's an bizarre situation. Not 8 Simple Rules, let's-keep-it-going-after-the-father-died bizarre, but close.
[last lines]
So, what if Chuck White is deacon now? So what if he has a bigger paycheck and a bigger car and a nicer house? None of that matters, because I've got-- [looks at Steve, smiles, then looks at Hayley. Does a face and points at her; unfazed at Steve, and looks at his plate. Peers at Steve at depressed state, looks at his plate once more.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
