Roger quotes from American Dad!

Steve

Oh my stars, what a day!

You have new messages.

Steve

When did I get an answering machine?

Hey, Steve, how's it going? It's Roger over at Roger's Gym. Just wanted to follow up on your visit. Give me a shout when you can, no presh. Hope you're well, man. [machine beeps] Steve-O! Steve, Roger, Roger's Gym. Hey, I was talking to my manager, incredible deal just popped up, thought of you. Holla atcha, boi! Call immediately. [machine beeps] Steve, it's Rowdy Roddy Piper. No I'm just kidding, it's Roger. Just on a smoothie run, want to see what you wanted. I'll just grab you the protein power blend, meet you up in the gym in about fifteen, we'll get the sign-up outta the way. [a car horn and a huge crash is heard] Ah, you clipped me, bro! Make that twenty bud, I got clipped. I'm okay, not everybody's okay. Actually if you could get the smoothies, that would be a big help, and grab me a bagel would ya? YOU CLIPPED ME, CHIEF! [machine beeps, Roger whispers] Hey, Steve. Hey, I'm at the courthouse, I'm not supposed to have my phone. Three people died in that accident, they're saying it's my fault, but it's total crap. Anyways, listen, if you could just stop by the courthouse, drop off those smoothies, we could knock off that sign-up, I got the forms with me. My manager said he'd throw in a couple of pilates classes, I've never seen him do that.

Hey, get off the phone!

[angrily] What'd you say to me?! [machine beeps]

Steve, it's Snot! Turn on the news, dude! Someone's going berserk at the courthouse shooting everybody up! [machine beeps]

Steve, it's Roge! Roge, the Dodge Charger, I'm back at the gym. Listen, my manager is freaking out about this deal I'm offering you, I can hold him off for a couple few. Call me... [Steve pushes the machine's button] Steve! [Steve pushes again] Steve-O! [Steve pushes again] S-Man! [Steve pushes again] Stefan Urkel! [Steve pushes again] Even Steven! [Steve pushes again] Steve-it-to-Steaver! [Steve pushes again] STEVEN, PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE!! [Steve pushes again] Hi, calling for Steven Smith. [Steve pushes again, Roger speaks in poor feminine voice] Hello, Steve, this is the girl that you like.

Roger

Okay. I'll bite. What's up with the gyroscope on his junk?

Francine

Stan was injured and went into a rare condition known as "testicular retreat syndrome". His "nuggs" were so traumatized, they ran up into his body to heal.

Hayley

What?! Will he be okay?

Francine

We don't know yet. They might drop down again someday, but the doctors say there's a good chance they'll just die up there, like a gut-torn rabbit in a wooden thicket.

Roger

Wait. Hold on a second. I'm confused. WHY TO HELL DIDN'T YOU DICKS SHOW UP TO OUR BALALAIKA CONCERT?!?!

Stan

[falsetto voice] I've got bigger problems right now than supporting your commie music!

Stan

Stop! So what if I sound a little feminine?! Stop laughing, and treat me with the respect I deserve!

Stan

My voice is not that…

Stan

Not that high.

Stan

It's a little higher than usual.

Roger

Oh, my God! That was transcendent!

Klaus

With you and your heavenly voice accompanying us, we'll skyrocket to the top of the ever-popular world music charts!

Hayley

I say we reunite the band, but as a quartet! How 'bout it, Daddy?

Stan

I suppose I could give it a try.

Stan

Yeah, it'll be fun, right? I mean, this could be just what I need to get outta this living room. [suction pops off Stan's crotch; back in his normal voice] And back into life. [looks down] My boys just dropped!

Roger

No! No! No!

Stan

Thank God I'm back to normal! I don't have to settle for a life of singing with you idiots after all! [sings as he leaves] Swing low, sweet chariot…

Roger

Ah, the hell with it.

Stan

Wow. Full moon tonight.

Roger

Actually, once you get above the clouds, it's always a full moon.

Stan

Is that true?

What.

Roger

Is any of this?

Francine

[grunts]

Steve

Oh.

Well, i’m not for sure.

Francine

Roger, thank God you're awake! You've been in a coma.

Roger

Oh, my God! How long was I out? [holds up a beard] This long? [holds up a longer beard] Or this long?

Stan

The first one.

Steve

You know that beautiful girl Jenna I've kinda had my eye on?

Roger

Is this the same girl whose picture you put in your pajama bottoms before you go to bed?

Steve

You know about that?

Roger

Who do you think takes your pajamas off at night?

Hayley

That blonde outside of Walgreen's was getting signatures.

Roger

Come on, Hayley. Everyone knows blondes get more attention. Scientists have proven it, but their research was ignored because they were boring brown-haired scientists.

Steve

Sensei Tom is teaching Snot to fight with anger, so I need help harnessing mine.

Roger

[chuckles] Sensei Tom. Did you know he lives in his dojo?

Steve

Well, you technically live in yours.

Roger

Lesson Two-- don't worry about where I live. You're not an angry boy, Steve, so there's nothing to harness, but that's okay, because people who fight with anger are sloppy. You're gonna fight with cold, calculating technique!

Roger

You're ready. Now make me four more.

Steve

But the tournament is in twenty minutes!

Roger

Don't worry about time. Let me worry about time.

Roger

Shit! Shit! Dammit! We're so fucking late!

Francine

Steve, I asked you to set the table 10 minutes ago. Dinner is ready.

Steve

But I'm on level 15.

Francine

Well, I'm on level 1 of the house, where I cook for you. Now set the table.

Steve

I didn't ask you to cook for me.

Francine

Excuse me.

Steve

Mom, I'm busy. I'll do it in a minute. [Francine unplugs Steve's game console] NO! IT DIDN'T SAVE! IT DIDN'T SAVE!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??!!

Francine

I was thinking... go set the table!

Steve

Fuck you!

Roger

Whoa.

Stan

Steve, I'm very disappointed that you used that language with your mother. That being said, I'm more excited for dinner than I have been in years.

Roger

You did a very bad thing. You know who had to set the table tonight? Me.

Hayley

What are you talking about? I set the table.

Roger

Well, I would have been next in line and I did not like it.

Hayley

[walks over to Klaus] Okay, Klaus, I will try one of your hazel whatevers.

Hayley

Mmm! This is really good. What's in it?

Klaus

Hazel nut, butter, eggs, veal, milk. [Hayley spits out her omelet] I use whole milk. Some people...

Hayley

Wait. Veal?! There's meat in this?

Klaus

For thickening. You know what they say; you can't make hazelnussomeletten without kinderkuhfleische.

Hayley

Klaus! I haven't eaten meat in over a year! [retches]

Klaus

How do you like yours, Roger?

Roger

Ah, it's great, it's great. [smiles uneasily at Klaus]

Francine

Stan, hamburger buns were on sale, so I stole 600.

Hayley

When I have a baby, I'm going to name it Recycling.

Roger

Stan, FIFA said the downstairs bathroom is going to need 70 urinals. It'll work if we use the hamper.

Stan

[outside in the rain] Look out, world, God and Stan are back together again!

Roger

[from inside of the house] It's not official 'til you change your Facebook status!

Roger

I once survived four days in a Del Taco parking lot extracting life-saving nutrients from puddles and bird shit.

Steve

Why didn't you just go into the Del Taco?

Roger

I'm a Taco Bell man.

Stan

I'm trying to get 20 years of crap off the patio.

Roger

Is Brett Ratner's career on the patio?